blueroom

I have a story of chronic health and pain issues spanning my entire adult life. Mononucleosis at age 18, diagnoses followed of: Epstein Barre Virus Syndrome, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Cough Variant Asthma, Insomnia, and chronic back, neck, foot, and leg pain threaded throughout, that came and went, helped by various supports such as orthotics, specific shoes, back supports, foam bedding and pillows. I had two falls on my coccyx while ice skating in middle school, which seemed to lead to the beginning of sharp low back pain (in the coccyx area in the early years) upon bending over at times, which has morphed and travelled to different parts of my low back and hips for over 30 years.

I took two medications for sleep for eleven years, prescribed by my doctor, one of which was Clonazapam. The doctor never warned me about going off of the Benzo, so when I stopped abruptly, five years ago, I went into a symptomatic reaction (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome), which I believe is still with me today, unless it's all been something else (TMS?). I am also now in menopause for the last two years, and I have many symptoms, including very uncomfortable weight gain (I've never been overweight in my life) and perhaps it has contributed to worsening my muscle pain. I tore my meniscus a couple of months ago, and I have been told I need to get the arthroscopic laser surgery to help repair it. I had the same surgery on my other knee about 25 years ago. I have a visible bunion growing on one foot, and severe pain radiating from a tendon when pressured on the top of that foot, and pain in both feet by the joint by big toe.

I have been through inordinate stress and pressure for the last five years, and a hell of a lot before that as well. I had tremendous unhappiness in an oppressive marriage, went through an awful time divorcing and getting out on my own, and then was burdened with almost all of the parenting of two children, one who ended up having special needs, and financing it all on my own. Then I went through another round of hell with a subsequent partner, and multiple moves across the country with my children to try to relocate to a new, suitable home.

We are settled now, gratefully, and there has been some stability. But I am not out of the woods. I am still under chronic, severe stress handling all of the finances for my home with two kids, with very little help with parenting and very little support period. I am very alone, even with a partner who lives in town, as he is traumatized himself and has to spend most of his time trying to mend his life and get his functioning up to a tolerable level.

I don't get ill anymore like I used to, which is wonderful, but my back and neck pain have gotten much worse. I sleep without meds now, for which I am deeply grateful. However, I feel like a total wreck, and overall, I'm so uncomfortable in my body that I suffer all throughout the day. I don't know if ALL of my aches, pains and miseries are TMS, but I'm here to diligently work the program, and do whatever else I can, to see what relief I can find. I'd like to find a physician to diagnose me and a therapist to work with. I am a therapist myself, and I've done a good deal of my own personal work, but I have no problem believing I have tremendous amounts of unconscious, repressed rage, and more work to do.

I believe I have TMS, somewhere. My doubts are around which of my symptoms are covered under that diagnosis, and which aren't? Do I need the surgery on my knee? Will the podiatrist recommend surgery on my bunion? Which is which? And will this method work for me? Will I find relief? I'm in a foggy and unsure place in the acceptance process, and I shall keep moving forward, working the program. I look forward to clarity.

I'm grateful to be here.