Day 9 Am I overly critical of myself...?

Hi all. Thanks again for the responses to previous days posts. I am slowly working through the program - I think I am on day 9 now in about 14 days, which i think is pretty good. Response below. Thanks in advance for all replies - they are very encouraging.

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I don’t really think I find myself being too critical of myself. All my criticism for myself lately stems from my pain and my feeling of unworthy at being a husband to my wife and father to my son. Ever since my son has been born I have had strange feelings about my life changing so much, but I have found myself accepting those changes to the point where now I just wish I could do so much more with him. Today we went for a walk together around the block from our house and it was so much fun just being together the two of us. But even then I was thinking about my pain and how it is getting in the way of our relationship. I find myself feeling less than worthy next to my friends. Especially Simon and James. We grew up together and they are both being brilliant dads because they can do whatever they want, whenever they want, with their kids without worrying about being in pain. They can go on holiday, go to the park and kick a football, where as I worry every single day whether I am going to be able to do that with my son. Maybe I am being overly critical of myself with these feelings. It’s not like I have chosen to be this way or to have this pain. It is just my lot in life at the moment. I just fantasise and pray for the day (pray – I’m an atheist!!) that I will be free of this pain and free to be the father my son deserves and the husband my wife deserves. It would be so amazing to be able to do all the things around the house that it is my responsibility to do without having to worry about being in agony while doing it or being in a lot of pain later that night.

Come to think about it I have actually always been quite critical of myself. Even though last year winning the national business competition was a huge result, I still find myself thinking this year that I have to top it and not let the people down that are depending on me. Is it ok sometimes to slack off and think about myself for a change? I do think about myself quite a lot, but then feel guilty that I should be doing more for others like my wife. Thinking things through I truly have no idea whether I am self-critical or not. I thought over the last couple of years I had actually learned to be a little more self-forgiving and learned when to leave things alone before they are perfect. That’s definitely the way I used to be but to try and settle myself a little more I think I have been trying to do this. Have I done it enough? I know I am still quite obsessive about things, but I definitely try and think for myself a little more – I had a month off work at the start of the academic year for crying out loud!

My one wish is to be free of this pain and free to live every day as if it were a joy, rather than a slog to get through each hour to the end of the day.

Thanks,

Adam

 

Hey Adam, listen ok. You are doing great, you laid a lot out above that is holding you back. That was a great journaling session. Now think about these things and feel the feelings you have with them and as you notice the feelings without judgment or critical thoughts you will notice these emotions go away. The more you feel down on yourself -- the more you will keep the tms going ok. So, meditate -- go on the internet and get some good relaxing meditations and calm your nervous system down about three or four times a day ok.

Decide to start thinking about soon you will be free of this pain as you keep doing the program. Start to replace the thoughts of hurt of thoughts of happiness and love. Just look at your son and the love you feel -- hold that. You will be better as time goes by but you have to start changing your thoughts from being defeated to being an overcomer ok. You are the winner and you can do this, you're doing it now.

Bless you

 

Eric - you hit the nail on the head once again!
Adam - thanks for posting such a great little journal entry. I can see the progression of awareness as you spill out your thoughts. You are well on your way with the questioning and seeking. I have no doubt that you will be enjoying complete freedom while playing with your son!

 

Thanks for the replies folks. I am trying real hard to change my outlook. I've started trying to focus on my pain and talk to it, saying I lovingly accept it without judging it or worrying about it. Seems to help when combined with deep breathing. Playing with my son in freedom is my main goal. At the moment I can't even envisage going on holiday with him. My goal is to take him to lapland to find the real Father Christmas when he is around 6 years old

 

Adam i can relate to what your saying. I have a 2 year old daughter and I am very self critical and feel guilty if I dont feel I can pick her up very much or give her as much attention as id like. Before she was born I worried about whether id manage as a father when all my focus is on my back all the time. I've always spent a lot of time with my head in the phone looking for some sort of back pain cure and I'm mentally exhausted from doing that now. I've stopped doing that now and I only go on to do tms stuff. I know now that getting obsessed with it is not going to help and I only feel guilty about it distracting me from my wife and daughter.
I am an atheist also. In life I find I need evidence for me to believe in things rather than just blind faith. In terms of tms theory there is no evidence you would find in a laboratory(correct me if I'm wrong) but when I read about it and the more I delve into it the more sense it makes and substance it has. People are being cured after nothing else has worked. I find this as the best evidence you can have.

 

Sounds exactly the same as me. I sank into quite a deep depression around a month ago before I started really looking at TMS. The basis of this was definitely the negative thoughts I couldn't get rid of about not being able to spend quality time with my wife and son. I was panicking completely about the future and whether or not we will be able to go on holiday or not. I was panicking about whether or not I would ever not be able to work and support them. I have been the same the last few months - literally obsessed with searching for any and all resolutions to my back pain. I was reading forum after forum about spinal fusion success stories to try and at least say positive about the prospect of having surgery.

But now, I am the same - I am trying to concentrate on TMS healing and only TMS healing. That is all I look at on the internet related to back pain at the moment, and I try and ensure everything I read is positive. I too try and remember all the success stories about people being healed, and use them as the best motivation I have.

Have you ever considered contacting Georgie Oldfield? Look her up - she is a TMS therapist and she was kind enough to give me a Skype consultation the other week. It did help hearing someone that has worked directly with Dr Sarno say that she thought it is TMS. I am considering an appointment to really reinforce the diagnosis now and see if it helps progress.

 

I have heard of Georgie Oldfield yes and I think there is only one other tms doctor that I know of in the UK. I may use her in the future if I think its going to help.

Ive just had a stressful moment at work and I have just journalled about it on my break at work and done some deep breathing. I feel better now. Its amazing how deep breathing feels so much better.

 

Agree - I am just starting to try using deep breathing myself. My school is closed today due to strike action so its a little less hectic today - so much so that I've not had any pain killers yet today

 

Awesome, Rich this is exactly how I would do when I experienced anger or anxiety in places. I would journal and then meditate while doing my deep breathing. Your getting very good at your craft my friend. Thanks for the up-date. AWsome

 

Only problem Eric was I couldn't get my pen to work causing me more stress but I kind of managed to write it ha ha. Most of my journals are a scribbling mess and unreadable anyway but I feel the act of journaling to me seems not about what's written down but how my mind works as I'm getting stuff down on paper.

 

Correct and also in time start to think why am I feeling this way and journal about that too, less your already doing it.
You're doing it. Stay in there Rich
Bless You