Getting Annoyed: Severe Anxiety and Panic Waves With No Cause

Just about fed up of all of this.
2019 - pneumonia, then chronic fatigue and depression which went away by itself in Feb 2020. House-bound due to recovery from pneumonia and poor air quality from bushfire smoke.
Then covid lockdown.
In the middle of which, I developed appendicitis.
In hospital 3 days.
A month later, appendix removed.
Contracted bladder infection, remained in hospital 3 extra days.
Came home, totally fatigued for 3 weeks and crying about nothing a lot.
Surgeon tells me that appendix had a polyp attached that was going to turn into cancer in 3-5 years and they would not have known. Shocked.
Bowel stopped working a week after coming home and has not worked since.
Lots of lower ab pain where appendix used to be.
CT scan shows nothing except severely loaded colon. Pain stopped.
Had colonoscopy number 1, failed preparation.
Colonscopy number 2, much longer fasting and still failed prep.
Physiotherapist bowel exam for nerve damage, prolapse etc, nothing wrong, bowel should be fine. But isn't.,
Still not working, laxatives don't work.
Panic and depression set in. Can't wake up in the mornings, used to be a morning person.
I know they are TMS as well.
I should be HAPPY and relieved; no cancer, no Crohn's, nothing appears wrong with my bowel. I don't think about or it worry about it. Supposed to have a transit study done but now thinking can't be bothered. It means turning up to hospital every day for a week so they can take pictures of radioactive material in my stomach/bowel to see how long it takes. I do not need any more tests to know it's not flipping working!!!!!

So only just got the last colonoscopy out of the way and now experiencing daily panic whereby reacting with adrenalin surges to the smallest, silliest of things. This is annoying me. Insomnia, can't sleep, wake up pulse is pounding, internal tremors. Refusing to Google. I'm not afraid of any of it, but I am annoyed with it. There is nothing in my life to be panicking about. But I cannot even think of small, "I must do's" without surges and waves of adrenalin responses. I get snarky with it - I've had panic come and go all my life, this time I'm so over all things medical that I do not want to call my doctor yet again for something else so I just say to it, "oh, you again, get lost". But it's annoying me that it's there. That I can be doing nothing and a wave will come up, and it even interferes with my meditation. I 'ride' the sensations but I'm surprised it's lingering.
Just fed up, exhausted and don't know why this has come on
thanks for listening
Metta

 

You've done the doctoring! And you seem sure of the TMS. Tell me what you are doing in the TMS work. Videos? The structured programs here? Journalling? Which books resonate the most with you? Have you explored the feelings under the annoyance? What's the deepest feelings that you are aware of after or during these unexpected waves? Do you feel safe to feel?