How my pain led me to hurt others unintentionally

In the throes of pain and mental health issues, I unintentionally hurt my loved ones.
I'd become withdrawn, irritated, annoyed, and forget to consider their feelings.

I hurt the feelings of a friend. He wanted to be my boyfriend, I played along because I was going through a lot and I was afraid he'd be upset if I said no. I also got caught up in fantasies of being with him in the future (wedding etc. etc.). Of course, I later realized was just a way for my mind to feel better about having to deal with pain, academics, life, healthy anxiety during the pandemic etc., but I never considered how bad it would feel on the other end to hear this day in and day out. The worst thing was, a former friend did the same thing to me a few years ago about her pain and severe mental health issues, abuse etc. and unfortunately my friend and I both know her, so I thought I would have learned my lesson but I didn't and I'm so angry about it. I vented too much about my mom's mental health situation and all the little stressful things that were aggravating my pain. I wish I had stated my preferences more firmly in the beginning. I wish we had more good moments together (and we did, we had such wonderful conversations about so many interesting things!). In the end, he was so hurt after being there for me, he said that I was narcissistic like my biological mother. It was heartbreaking to hear, despite reassurance from my family that that wasn't true. He had every right to feel hurt, but I have to keep convincing myself I won't become like my biological Nmom because I feel remorseful.

He and his sister (we were all friends) decided to block and unfriend me etc just to be on the safe side and set a firm boundary. They were so kind and understanding for the whole year that we knew each other. I know I should do the same because looking back at everything hurts, but these were good people and somewhere I still feel I can make things work. This is so irrational but part of me wants to remember the good memories.

I wish I could go back and do things differently, and just be friends. I couldn't bring myself to talk to any of our mutual friends etc. because I was so ashamed. I was shocked by my own dishonesty and immaturity. Now we have decided not to speak to each other. I'm an empath and I could really feel how I hurt his feelings.

Looking back a few years, TMS was the warning sign. I couldn't show up fully as a student, just going through the motions instead of authentically learning. I didn't follow through on a lot of personal commitments and kept avoiding important things in my life because I was putting pressure on myself to do them.

I faced a lot of harsh feedback for this, and crumbled even though I was learning from my mistakes.

I'm slowly healing and getting better. My health has drastically improved. I want to show up to the world differently. More authentically, more giving, firmer boundaries, good company, better habits and discipline, more time and energy on expanding my life in every way possible. Taking responsibility instead of cowardice. I know I can do it. Even though I was suffering, the last thing I want to do is unintentionally hurt myself and others, especially good, kind people. That hurts more than any pain that I had. I just want this victim mentality to stop and I don't want to do this ever ever again but what if I do? If I show up in the world wrong, to some extent, life will kick me in the teeth whether I like it or not. I must co-create and manifest better.


I just got better from a weird post COVID shot TMS flare up yesterday and conveniently I feel pangs of regret about all of this a few hours before a midterm. I think it would do my conscience and brain some good if I address this issue so I can study in peace.

 

So sorry you are going trough all these difficult things+++
I’m very beginner in TMS but what I feel from your text is that you almost care more about the other nice people than you. I think it’s nice to care about the other people but it might be impossible until one gets to really care for one self. Might be really strange to allow one this if had a narcissic mom.
I hope you find what you need to continue great progress ++