Please help/respond, losing the will to live, terrified constantly

Hi,

Where to start....

3 and a half years ago, I started to become very cold and shivery constantly. I was at uni, a smoker, severely depressed, alone, and everyday on the hour I'd sit on cold hard steps outside my flat and have a cigarette. This went on for 5 months, getting colder and colder until I started with severe burning pain in both buttocks, my coccyx, lower back, both legs front and back (not front of thighs though). It eventually spread after a year to the bottoms of my feet. Since then it has not stopped for A SECOND. Its horrific to sit due to the butt and coccyx pain (feels like a rock is jammed up my coccyx), walking is awful due to the burning feet...

After two years of this it spread to my arms and hands, although this isn't constant.

Backstory:
I have had this pain before, when I was 15 I fell of a motorbike. No structural damage, but I had to leave school due to the pain in my coccyx and legs. Spine doc said it was coccyxdinia but couldnt explain the leg pain. Offered me injections but because it wasnt constant back then, just when I walked, I was too scared and refused - it went away when I started uni....

This time the spine scan says degenerative discs, and a tarlov cyst...which scared me as I read a story of a woman wheelchair bound from a tarlov cyst. WEIRD thing is, I can jump, go the gym, squat, all without pain. I never get a sharp pain when bending ect. Its more a continual burning, that goes at the gym when I'm working out, but then afterwards i am in 10x more agony and too scared to return to gym incase i'm making my pain worse.

I have also had somatic symtpoms since I was 5, long depressing story of childhood seperation anxiety, abuse and trauma ect. By the age of 23 I'd had bladder surgery, bowel surgery, ovary surgery, cervical cancer cells. sepsis of no unknown cause, chronic kidney pain.... which have all vanished now but the bowel issues.

Since i've had the leg and arm pain, I've developed severe GERD with bile into the mouth, chest pain, right shoulder pain (scan says bursitis and possible TOS), stomach pain everytime I eat..

Please do not think I'm a hypochronidaic. I hate my hometown, the pain is the only thing keeping me here, I have no reason to want to be in pain and be stuck in this town I despise with no friends. After my shitty life I got a first class uni degree and was on my way to working for the UN in a job I always wanted to do,helping people, and I had to come back home to where I don't know anyone but my emotionally abusive mum. Since this pain i'm having 20+ panic attacks a day as no painkiller has worked for me, i'm exhausted.

I've had physio, dry needling, acunputure you name it... nothings worked.

So a year ago I found TMS. I've read around 10 books now on TMS, even tried the educational programme, but I'm stuck for a few reasons. I can't seem to have full belieif in TMS. I fit the personality type perfectly, Ive always had OCD, perfectionism ect

I also fit the bill of having seperation anxiety at a young age (Steves Book), and also I KNOW I have extreme repressed rage towards my mum for not leaving the abusive dude who ruined my childhood from 8-14, and not protecting me...

1. I can't find anyone else who has the same symtpoms as me, as in my pain is constant. It hurts to press into my buttocks, hips, sides of legs like a hot iron bruise pain, does that not mean its structural?
2. I have no issue believing my Gerd, stomach, bowel ect is from TMS but the leg butt feet pain I just can't and I don't know how to.
3. The tarlov cyst worries me, but the general consesnus from spinal surgeons is that they dont cause pain, but my research into them i've found thounsads who say they do, so what if thats me

Sorry if TMI, but in the past 3 years i've had multiple suicide attemps over the pain, daily breakdowns its that extreme. A+E docs have been stood over me on the brink of tears unable to help me, its traumatised me. I can't work due to the pain but i'm slowly saving up for a tms therapist.

My question is:

Does this sound like TMS? Can TMS cause burning searing bruise pain when you press into your muscles? Can it be constant? Can it be in both legs and feet and buttocks? What do i do? Im terrified to go back to the gym because it hurts more afterwards. How do I convince my brain im safe when I am in unbeliveable agony 24/7 for 36+ months? Will I ever recover from this? Is it safe to go to the gym?

Thank you if you took the time to read this.

 

Yes, this is TMS, it can move anywhere in the body. Please seek help for mental health and to wean off smoking. Please don't give up, it's worth healing.

 

Hi, firstly I am so sorry you’re suffering so terribly. It sounds like you’ve had a rough go of it. Please don’t give up. You WILL get better. I agree with the previous response that you should find someone who can help you work on mental health simply because you have been through SO much and at a young age. A mental health specialist should be able to help you process everything that has happened in a safe way. Trauma is a breeding ground for mind/body symptoms and it sounds like you’ve had a lot of experience with it. I’m sure there are some out there, but I have yet to meet a single person with severe mind/body symptoms who hasn’t had trauma at some point in their lives. My tms symptoms began very young, directly after my own traumatic experience. I didn’t know what was happening to me for many years….I just kept having severe health issues and pain one after another. Yes, TMS pain can be constant and severe. It can feel all the ways you’ve described. If you’ve been medically cleared and had scans done you are safe to exercise and treat your symptoms like TMS. Something worth looking into…your PSOAS muscle can cause all the pains you’ve described….and your psoas is directly linked to your emotions! I’ve heard it called “the muscle of the soul” because trauma hangs out in there. I’ve experienced leg/hip/buttocks pain as well and after many painful weeks and medical tests I realized it was this muscle! When I do yoga specifically for it, I literally break down in tears every time. It’s like a huge release of emotion comes out. It’s also very much linked to your breath. One final note: please please please don’t give up on healing. It IS possible. I dealt with unbelievable constant facial pain that was “incurable”. It’s gone now with TMS healing. You have an opportunity now to live a life with an awareness than many folks will never know. Do the work (journaling, meditating, whatever feels right to you) and I recommend finding a hobby you enjoy and doing it every day. Force your brain to focus on something other than your symptoms and pain and you will get better. Maybe not right away, but one day you will wake up and realize the pain is gone.

 

Yes, agreeing with others that this is probably TMS, and agreeing with get help ASAP for suicidal thoughts. TMS can certainly act this way: constant pain, or come after your exercise. It can feel like a searing pain, bruise pain, etc. on touch or pressure. Sounds like you've been checked out, and so what else can it be? The problem of finding "someone like me" is common. I had to look a long time, and I needed to see multiple times "foot pain" before I was convinced. Believe me, if you can let go of the specificity this will help. It is all the same, any part of body, 20 different "kinds" of pain. All the same source.

Your series of symptoms very much supports TMS diagnosis.

What to do? How to feel safe? I suggest you do the SEP program again, because it is helpful and free, and it will help you get some reassurance that "this is me." Importantly you're taking action by doing this.

Rest easy in this, knowing you're doing what is needed to address the problem. Reading lots of books is less helpful than doing the work. Get therapy and support immediately for suicidal thoughts. Doesn't have to be a TMS specialist to start. Save yourself so that you can enjoy some of your life. Many many have come back from similar places to those that you find yourself.

You don't have to cure and address all your trauma in order to heal from TMS. Treat the trauma because you want to feel better in your mind, for your own happiness, and the rest will follow if you're doing TMS work in addition to the therapy.

It will help to practice reassuring statements to yourself to feel safe. Something like, to yourself: "I know you're experiencing this ___sensation, but you're safe and there's nothing physically wrong with you." Work with what feels best to you, and change it up as needed.

Wishing you the best, and hang in there.

Andy

 

I know it's been a while and I hope you've found healing and are doing alright. Just wanted to say that I've had ALL of your symptoms and then some. It's TMS.