That'll Teach Me - MRI Results

Hi Folks,

So, I was active on this forum earlier in the year, due to a series of foot problems which had been diagnosed as nine separate things, including osteoarthritis, two types of tendonitis and a host of other gruesome sounding things. I'd had an x-ray - all clear. An ultrasound - all clear. But I was insistent on having an MRI, despite some wise old folk on here saying not to - because it clearly sounded like TMS - and you know what? The results came back - all clear. I could quote the simplicity of the language - 'no action required; foot normal. Satisfactory joint spaces. Plantar plates intact,' etc etc...it goes on. Basically, nothing wrong, despite me spending hundreds of pounds on shoes, insoles, specialists, investments in stress and worry and identity all to do with 'what is wrong with my foot?' Of course, it's not my foot, it's my LIFE. More specifically, my boundaries. Recently, I've had appetite loss, gallbladder pain, the tension and pain of what appears to be IBS. But a closer inspection of my life reveals -

1 - a horrible personal situation involving an impossible love, emotional vigilance and the constant bracing of myself for bad, painful news

2 - a horrible domestic situation involving an old friend, my sanctuary being invaded and my inability to invoke an ending because 'endings hurt,' (though not as much as my tummy)

3 - still working with dogs, still finding myself over-subscribed, tired and resentful.

So, hey! I've not learnt much but at least I have the proof of what you clever people knew all along.

Back to journalling I go...

Just a quick question before I do; I don't recognise a huge amount of the people-pleasing much described in the TMS character, but I do have issues with boundaries; I presume, when I think upon this, that that's pretty much the same sort of thing, isn't it? I may not bend over backwards for everyone but I let situations which aren't at all healthy persist, because I feel too frightened or sad to stop them.

Cheers (again)

Sarah

 

Never noticed that one before, but now that you bring it up! The mailbox is going to contain bad new, the next batch of emails will have something unpleasant for me. Good way of measuring tension!

 

Are you a one person pleaser? One is already too much. How about perfectionism, goodism, trying to be fair with everyone, that little thing that is out of order and should be in this other position? How about your childhood,.. any abuses or situations that you perceived as abuse or rejection or carelessness? Impossible love alone is a long and durable splinter, bracing for bad news? That is a major personality black cloud. Resentfulness? You have too much in your plate. You are on a loop. You have to break the cycle, force yourself if you need to.

 

The bracing for bad news is specific to just the personal situation but it's a helluva way to live, granted!

 

I swallow a lot of stuff that I'd rather say. An example - my lodger asked if he could move a chair in that he wanted, and get the chair (mine) he currently uses out. I said, 'yes.' He said, 'okay.' The fact he didn't say 'thank you,' angered me, and yet I thought, 'don't say anything, Sarah, don't make a scene.' The personal situation is absolutely horrendous - I woke up this morning at 4am crying, wrote out three texts to send to a particular someone, didn't send them, eventually went back to sleep. Woke up to a jokey one from him. I joked one back. I felt sick. I have the knowledge that I HAVE to break away from this person, but it kills me to think of doing so - putting aside, neatly, the fact that it's probably killing me anyway.

Thanks for those thoughts, JoeHealing, they make a lot of sense.

 

But isn't that bracing for bad news all the time just one more symptom of anxiety based on fear of the future? That's certainly a big stressor that contributes to the development of TMS symptoms. It's interesting how our eyes are always scanning our environment looking for danger. One more aspect of the mammalian survival response I'd posit.

 

I think that in earlier times, I wasn't so 'vigilant.' But now I am and I'm really noticing how much more frozen I feel, how scared I am, and that anxiety is ratcheting up everything else TMS-oriented, yes.