Day 2

I'm committing to making a brief entry every day. I'm not sure if that's part of the program, but it will help me be accountable. I really related to the success story for Day 2... all about RSI and I could relate to everything. The journal prompt was to write about 3 things that you feel sad about and 3 things you feel angry about. I noticed I had a much easier time writing about sadness than anger. I have a vivid memory of my father being mad at the dinner table while growing up, and when I said something about him being angry, he got red in the face, veins popping from his neck, saying loudly, "I am not angry!" That is just one example of many where I've been given the message that anger is not okay. I also think culturally being angry is not okay for a female--much more okay to be depressed and powerless. And I think my pain is an expression of the powerlessness I feel. I need/want to own my power.

 

I can relate to your story. Yesterday I was writing about how my family dealt with emotions. I can't say they did much in the area of expressing emotions. My Dad, however, did express anger often, everyday, especially while drinking. What I was calculating yesterday was that he got to express anger and no one else was allowed to. In a house with a Dad, Mom and 12 kids, only one person was allowed to express anger. That just doesn't seem right. At the time it seemed normal, but now when looking back it seems insane. This story brings up all kinds of feelings of sadness and anger for me . . . maybe more journaling.

 

I too can relate to an angry dad at the dinner table. If something wasn't to his liking food-wise, he wouldn't just push it to the side of the plate and refuse to eat it. Nope, he'd get rip roaring made and start shouting at my mother. Once he flung some corn onto the floor with his fork. It wasn't the right kind of corn. My brother and I just looked at each other not knowing where to put ourselves. With the choice of fight, flight or freeze in these instances it was best to freeze. It was expected that I would speak only when spoken to. If I tried to express any anger at the very least I would be told to go to my room and not come out until I felt better, i.e. happy. I had no choice but to repress everything for the sake of survival.

 

yb44, your post reminded me of my stepfather. He was full of anger and now I know why. He was full of TMS.
One Sunday when I was invited to dinner at their house, my mother was preparing a nice meal but he was so
impatient for it that he threw his fork on table and got up, yelling at her for taking so long. This was typical of him
and it led to my mother developing a spastic colon. He had two previous marriages that failed, and also hated his father
because he had to work instead of going to college. He just never grew up.

I had to repress all my feelings about him. I preferred a silent was to an open one, at least for my mother's sake.

 

Anger was never expressed when I was growing up. I never, once, heard my parents fight. Expressing anger was not acceptable. Over the years I had read "anger turned inwards is depression." I have had depression my entire adult life until I participated in the TMSwiki. Wow, how amazing.

 

Hi Barb,

I guess there is a connection between repressed/supressed anger, and in response, rage from the parts of you who want to be themselves, and in their power. A rage at the "forces" that keep you from being real. I was taught that anger is a route to real strength (or aliveness), so this all makes sense.

We deny our anger, and then we feel powerless. And we are rageful about that! But we "can't/shouldn't feel" that level of rage, so: symptoms!

Andy B.

 

My mom was violent when I was little. The women in my family expressed rage openly - my grandma would throw a cocktail -smash against a wall to express herself. Sometimes I would think it was entertaining but other times I was terrified - of these outbursts of rage. In my own work - I have been uncovering anger I feel at various people --and yesterday on Day 2 - and what I've found is that for me there was a fear of being angry because I didn't want to hurt anybody. And I had models of women who were undisciplined and out of control. So now I have reassured myself that it is ok to feel angry. - I can write or I can curse I can play music -or just feel the anger - let it pour through me and release it. It doesn't mean I am going to yell at anyone or hit them. Quite often after letting myself feel the rage I feel better around that person

 

So wonderful to realize that we can feel anger, be angry, express anger to others, but in a way that is not acting out. That anger is scary is very familiar to me. So there you (I) have a reason for symptoms. Wonderful to begin to tease apart the emotions, discerning with an adult's mind the experience of anger from the imprints of believing anger puts us in danger or puts others in danger. Breakthroughs for all of us!

 

"My brother and I just looked at each other not knowing where to put ourselves. " Quote

awww. i can relate to this. That kind of fear have an affect on the body

 

In my house we only expressed anger by storming out of the room and into the bedroom or whatever and bang the door shut. Then you stayed there until the anger had subsided and you could go out and nobody would mention the 'outburst' or talk about it, just pretend like it never happened. I still have the tendency to do this. Find it very hard to be confronted with anger or show my anger any other way. This happened the last time I saw my brother and we are both over 50 today... Makes me feel sad.

 

Find it very hard to be confronted with anger or show my anger any other way.... Makes me feel sad.[/QUOTE]

aww..Those habits are hard to break. It always feels awkward being confrontational and communicative if you weren't raised that way. I can understand - my dad has trouble communicating -an irish secret keeper. And I learned that way. Somewhere along the line I decided I don't want to be that way anymore. Want to be more open and say how I feel but sometimes it is really going against the grain for me.

 

I agree that it's difficult to feel comfortable expressing anger as a woman, as it's not very acceptable for females in our society. Also, it seems that many women are concerned about not hurting others and maintaining social harmony.

However, doing the journalling has helped a lot in this area. I particularly like the "unsent letter" technique. Sometimes scribbling or painting in a notebook, or tearing up some paper, can help me deal with feelings of anger and express them in some way. Simple acknowledging "I feel angry" often helps me too - just being aware of it and accepting it is a big part of the battle!