How can I feel like "not enough" and "too much" at the same time?

How can I be “not enough” and “too much” at the same time?


Because I spoke with an old high school friend lately, I was remembering a simulator we had growing up in Findlay, Ohio that was used to teach driver’s ed. This simulator was probably the worst instruction that they could have given us. It was outdated, often broke down, and would give misleading corrections on a whim. It was normal for it to flash “Speed up” and “Slow down” at the exact same time. But if we wanted to learn to drive, and we all did, we had to learn to master the simulator. So, I learned to stomp on the gas and slam on the brake in rapid succession to avoid any corrective flashes and thus passing the simulated portion of driver’s ed.


My emotions sometimes flash the same way. Simultaneously, I can feel like I'm not enough while also feeling like I’m too much. It’s easy to see where this originates. Parents in their quest to help me “achieve my full potential” instilled in me a resolute ethic to do more, better, faster. Growing up as a female in the late 60’s and 70’s, I was expected to be polite and pleasing, not too loud, not too assertive, not too controversial. Sigh. Just like the simulator, these cues taught me how to pass the course but nothing about how to move through life safely and joyfully.


People pleasing can come in many forms. For me, I know that just thinking about whether I am enough or too much is, in itself, people pleasing behavior. And talk about a no win situation. People pleasing is enraging because we deny ourselves for another’s love and acceptance. At a base level, we desire to be loved and accepted regardless. When we abandon our own needs and wants repeatedly in order to fulfill another’s, our bodies will feel the pain of that self betrayal. It took me many months to see this. Unravelling the thoughts that led to the emotions and then to where I felt it in my body took practice. But as I practiced and gained awareness, I saw my symptoms improve. This fueled further willingness to examine my thoughts and how they were affecting me and further progress toward complete pain reduction. pathsbeyondpain.com

 

In my experience, feeling like you are not enough and feeling “superior”, which may be what you mean, is a sign that you are comparing yourself to others and assigning value to your own, sort existence or ego, based off this. For example when I was caught in this game (which I’m still working myself out of) I would feel inferior to my friend because he had a house and a wife and a kid and had numerous hobbies, whilst at the same time feel superior because I felt that I was in far better shape and better looking and had a hotter girlfriend and maybe, idk something stupid, my golf game was better at the time. I can feel like this at work too, I’ll feel inferior to other teachers because they have more experience (and less brain fog and TMS) than I do, and also superior because I’m more muscular and younger and I personally find them to be “cucks” and I think that I have a better world view than them given our current world situation.

I’d say to overcome this, take steps to be kinder to yourself and kinder to others. The person who has more money than you, just as an example, isn’t better than you nor are you better than the guy or gal who has less money than you... if you think in this way you’ll always lose.

 

Thanks for that. I wasn't really looking for advice but rather sharing the process that I went through while on my path to complete chronic pain relief. I was sharing past thoughts, not current ones- more of an educational post