Day 20 If I could change one thing

If I could change one thing about my life, it would be to have more time in every day. There are so very very many things I don't get to in a day, and I feel guilty and embarrassed by this. For example, I haven't been able to exercise at all this entire week--even just a half hour walk. I always need to be in the next place. I haven't done a teeny bit of housework, and my house is a chaotic, horrible mess. I haven't had time to even ask my kids to help or to set up an agreement or system by which they would even recognize the need for them to help. I haven't cooked any of our meals since Sunday. The weeds have overtaken my yard and garden. (My mom pointed out that one of them is literally the size of a tree. Literally--it's 12 feet tall.) I don't even get enough sleep.

I know the "answer" to this is to alter my priorities. But I have shaved down my sense of obligation to the bare minimum already: I teach and make sure my kids are supported in their endeavors. (I don't even always do that supporting, but I often do, and I make sure someone else can take them places when I cannot.) That's it. And this week, which was a particularly bad week with lots of department and faculty meetings, back to school night as a teacher and as a parent, two cross country meets and two soccer practices and two piano lessons, etc., I am at my worst level of pain. I cannot get into and out of the car. I cannot use stairs. I cannot sleep. I cannot put on my own clothes much less shoes. So everything I DID do I did while in pain. I really really tried to not care about the pain, but today as I'm looking around at all of the stuff I didn't do and still can't do because it hurts too much, as I'm trying to finally take a nap because I had an hour to do so but couldn't because my back and head hurt so much, I feel trapped. What is there to do? Quit my job? Give away my children? I love both. I just apparently can't handle it. I quit choir. I quit band. I quit the PTO. I don't have a position on church committee or any committee anywhere. I don't do a thing that isn't for the survival of my kids and the benefit of my students. In fact, I didn't even grade anything this week.

I don't see a solution to this situation and because of that, I don't see how I can deal with this TMS. I bought Unlearn Your Pain and checked out Neff's book on self-compassion. I don't have time to read them. I haven't journalled every day either. If someone could wave a magic wand and give me 2-3 extra hours a day, I could maybe find time to go easy on myself. As it is, I don't see how I can possibly find time to sleep or go for a walk or journal or read.

 

Cara,
You are a mom and a teacher. (So am I by the way. But the difference is that I am NOT currently teaching.) This is one of the most difficult times of the school year. Please, please, please give yourself a break from the mental chatter. I wonder how old your children are? If they are over 4, then they can help out. Write a list of 10 things that you need done and ask them which 2 they can do this week. Let them do it their way (i.e not up to your standards) and thank them. Are they boys? Then tell them that you RESPECT them for being so helpful. Are they girls? Tell them that you LOVE them for being helpful. If you want your house in order, check out flylady.net . She is my sanity guru. But remember, your house did not get messy in one day (or one week, or one month), so it is not gonna get cleaned in a day (week, month). Baby steps.
You can do it girl!! You CAN handle it. Just re-adjust your grip. Your TMS is flaring up. Thank it for making you write that post!

 

Can you buy in help for cleaning and gardening? It may not be as expensive as you think. Even as a one-off.