Made It Worse

Holy hell. It started off a couple of months ago with insomnia and depression, then a spike in symptoms and now I’m off to the races. I got prescriptions. I did PT. They’re giving me an MRI on Wednesday.

If you ever doubted TMS’ ability to distract you, let me tell you it’s doing a bang-up job. I can’t feel a damn emotion at all right now between the pills, the exhaustion, and the obsession. And the emotions I should be feeling are SAD.

Also, for fun, my body in response has become increasingly sensitized. Like lighter touch is causing more pain in more areas (the worst areas). I feel like I’m losing this damn battle. I mean, seriously. I had sitting pain, lying down, walking pain in my butt and now my damn d— is sensitive to rubbing against my clothing. It makes no anatomical sense. And yet my amygdala is looking for trouble anywhere below the belt.

Shit.

It’s so nervy, you guys. That’s the scary part. I always think of TMS as muscle stuff but this shit is nervy as hell. Down established nerve pathways. Bilaterally mind you, but real nerves turning on. Anyone deal with that before? It’s very convincing even though it makes no sense.

Obviously my CNS is going a mile a minute. And I’ve been moving in the wrong direction. I guess you’re never too far gone but right now I feel like I am. Also I’m on like 4 different meds, so I feel even more insane.

I guess the advice I’d give myself is allow, self compassion, wean off or down on the pills, emotional work, find some joy.

I really gotta turn this shit around.

 

Great advice to yourself!! Despite the hellish symptoms, and thinking of your suffering, I love reading your post because it is so full of life and your fine presence.

Sorry things are rearing up so much for you. I think many here have had weird nerve pains and etc. as you describe. I wonder how your daily mindfulness is going, and what kind of emotional support you have?

The sadness probably wants to be felt, is what I am hearing you say. To me, sadness is one of the deepest ways into self-compassion. There may be a connection for you in this? And, like anything else of deep feeling, none of us really go there willingly. Good luck in your journey.

Andy

 

Thank you, Andy. That’s very kind. My symptoms have been bad before, but in this relapse they are truly testing me. You kind of wonder if TMS can get so bad it actually *does* kill you but that’s not helpful, and in the end we always have a choice in how we respond to it.

My mindfulness has been poor and my obsessive behaviors have been high. I have health OCD no doubt about, which sucks when you couple that with physical sensations. But I’m hardly the first person here with that issue. At least I see it now. One more thing to overcome.

The nerve stuff. Yeah. It’s a bitch. And it just so happens to be localized in an area I’ve been worried about for years before this. I know it’s not a coincidence and yet the desire for there to be a problem that is not “my fault” is so strong, ya know? An outside pathogen or abnormality or injury. Even though mind/body healing is a path to true healing, it’s weirdly less appealing because it’s hard and requires taking responsibility.

I have emotional support. A couple therapists. A good friend. An ex-girlfriend I’m too close to. My parents. Just one person missing, right? *two thumbs* This guy.

I’ve run from my sadness my whole life. And my anger. And the difficult thing is that as symptoms and trying to solve them has ramped up, I’ve never felt further away from those emotions. So I need to find my way back. And of course face my fear of being imperfect and in pain.

I’m laying here realizing how hard it’ll be to sleep (if I can) with the intensity of my current symptoms. I’m in the near-constant, very intense category and that sucks. It’s what I mean when I say it might kill me. But I say to myself “live or die” every day. I didn’t choose this path (knowingly) but I do have to walk it.

I’ll come back from this. Anyway, thanks, Andy.

 

It might be helpful to see this as a form of pressure. Ultimately there is nothing that needs to "be done" in treating TMS. It is a mind-game. So it may be that the "responsibility and work" you see in TMS practice is more gentle and easier than pushing a boulder up hill.

Many good wishes to you as you're right in your sh*t at this time. I get it. And it ain't easy. Glad you have the good support. And knowing that you need you there too, on the team, is good. At the same time I suggest deep compassion for you. Of course you're co-creating this. It is the only way this stays perpetuated. WE ALL DO THIS! But how can you ever-so-gently unwind. That is something to love yourself into perhaps, that answer.

 

Hey, tmstraveler, At the moment I don't think I can improve on any of the insights that Andy offers up. I'm just writing to let you know that I am thinking of you and continuing to wish you well. Hang in there. Keep an eye on your thoughts and recognize that they aren't you. As Alan Gordon says, criticism, pressure, and worry are all manifestations of fear. If we can notice when those three habits doing their thing and not buy into them, we remove a layer of intensity from our suffering. Finding ways to keep calm and in the moment has a "side benefit" of easing pain. Old news, I know. But maybe hearing it at different times and in different ways helps it sink in, in a useful way.

 

It might not feel like it but remaining in possession of a sense of humour is fantastic. For myself I am aware that dark humour usually means I’m on a knife edge but if I can keep the faith everything tends to improve. TMS has been kicking me around like a football of late so god alone knows I’m having to practice what I preach. Which sucks. But it tends to remind me that feeling my emotions is better than the pain or whatever nonsense TMS comes up with each day. It helps to know what it is.

Regarding health anxiety, this popped up in my feed a few days ago. It’s stuff you’ll already know but I find it always helps to go over the basics when you’re in the trenches.

Hoping this passes soon.

 

I’ve been watching full length shows from the comedian John Pinette on YouTube. No matter how many times I watch them I laugh my butt off. The other day, literally, since my issue is with sitting and I didn’t think about it.

 

Thanks, everyone. It’s been a ride. I got an MRI (which I’d never done before) and it was clean. Now I’m back with The Pain Psychology Center and working to recommit to this work. It’s the relapse of the century! I went from hiking twice a day to being afraid to not Google for 5 minutes and consequently lots of pain.

Arg. Well, back to it. I’m an addict and I’m addicted to my symptoms and my fear. Shitty to say that to someone who can’t sleep because of pain, but I have to take responsibility. I was better, I relapsed, relapse is part of recovery.

You guys inspire me.