Partners/spouses and TMS

Hi friends,


I’m wondering if anyone has advice for frustrations with spouses/partners around TMS issues. As a lot of you know, TMS has been deeply liberating and life changing for me on both a personal and professional level. I consider myself fully healed from TMS and no longer have any pain issues; I am eternally grateful for this! I use it in my practice as a PT as much as I can.

Thankfully my husband supported my personal TMS journey,which I know is more than many can say. The issue I’m having is that he recently told me he’s had knee pain on and off for a year and hasn’t wanted to talk much about it with me because I’ll just tell him it’s TMS. He was looking on all kinds of websites and other resources to figure out what is going on. Of course he didn’t find much because,well, I’m 99% sure he indeed does have TMS. He even admitted to me he might have it but doesn’t want my help. He has all the classic TMS signs (inconsistent pain, better on vacation, moves around from knee to foot randomly,has inconsistent physical triggers and conditioning). He overanalyzes it and denies it has any connection to “stress” and doesn’t really buy into the ideas of unconscious emotions.

I’m mostly feeling really hurt he hasn’t wanted my help...TMS is such a big part of my identity now I guess it’s just tough to hear. Maybe he’s really resistant to the TMS diagnosis and doesn’t want to go there but it still hurts me. I guess I’m also angry at him even though it’s not fair. I have the medical and TMS knowledge to help him and feel he doesn’t trust me on this.

I know it’s a personal journey for each person but I can’t help but feel hurt given my TMS background and feeling like he doesn’t take any of this seriously when I am so invested in it and want to turn my career towards it. Any advice for dealing with this is appreciated!

 

Hi MindbodyPT,

I think you have a good handle on your identity and "pride" around your TMS understanding, as well as your reactions to your partner's non-interested stance.

TMS work is life-changing for most of us. If nothing else, simply on the level of "now I know how all these 'medical' problems are caused, and how they are cured." In a way, we join a new, and very special club. And for you to want your partner to know this, and to invite him into this understanding is a beautiful, loving act.

So to be not "seen," or "ignored" or "dismissed" may be coming up for you. You list many of your basic reactions like feeling he doesn't trust you, feeling hurt, etc. I think these feelings are natural, and I suggest you allow yourself to feel them. Your awareness and honest expression to yourself, and also to him as appropriate helps sustain a loving, clear relationship. He doesn't have to accept your view, or help, but neither do you have to put aside your feelings. I hope you gently explore what your truth is.

Andy B

 

Sometimes people just have to go through the mill and exhaust all other possible options. I see this playing out in people dear to me. I've even had some great conversations around the subject but when it comes to the application...as you say it is a personal journey. We have to respect this and we need to relax any evangelical tendencies because this invariably drives people away.

Weirdly sometimes people 'need' their conditions (if only for a time) and don't much like having the security blanket taken away. I'm quite sure you see this a lot in your professional life. I have a couple of in-laws who use theirs as emotional cudgels. This is an insanely frustrating experience to be on the end of particularly given the intimate knowledge of such relationships. To know and to be able to do nothing is hard. I do my best not to get dragged in whilst being kind, and I find this easier if I focus on the person not the alleged ailment. In the past these encounters have developed into some kind of psychic warfare where everyone brings flowers to the ailing person while the TMS elephant stomps all over them.

I guess all we can do is use these times as opportunities to burn off personal inadequacies and hone our awareness and compassion, including self-compassion. God alone knows how many times I've had to bite my tongue (and quite literally go through tongue biting phases) because of the advice my partner or one of our parents is given but what to do?

I totally understand how hurt you must feel but perhaps this experience is necessary for him. Perhaps he really needs to go through it, resistance and all, to finally really get it. How else can anyone ever really know and understand TMS without that? It's not a book-learning experience but something that blossoms from the mud and soil of our darkest places.

Try your best to embrace the bigger picture and play the long game. So much around tms is a learning curve and most especially these wounding personal experiences. In this regard Andy gifts you with a fantastic reply. The more emotional work you do on yourself, the more he will soften his defences.

Love and hope are invincible. Continue to nurture your passion and your career dreams while granting him the shelter and space to explore. In time his path will change course.

Let him come to you.

 

I Love Plum 's Lotus Metaphor. Maybe Your Husband just isn't muddy enough?

I have had trouble in the past with this same issue. My wife (now ex) has chronic TMS...shoulder,forearm,back,neck... and in spite of her being present while I went from useless pile of crap to healthy again, she still seeks out physical treatments. Shockingly enough, she is the one who turned me on to Louise Hay, Eckhart Tolle and a host of other folks who all would concur with Sarno's work... and yet, she was somehow different.

I had the same experience with a Gal I dated off and on for a few years.... She would accept the most outlandish Psycho-babble crap if it came from her 'psychic' but when the perfectly rational proposition of TMS was shown...no way. Her neck pain was from something she did at work...

I no longer push. I will offer this solution ONCE. If the person doesn't ask me again I never bring it up. I tend to have the best results with Males and Peers. I am that nightmare Toxic Male that the news keeps banging on about. Subsequently when guys hear it from me they are more likely to pull me over and discuss it. Probably because I don't seem like their typical Hugs and shares and Emoji's kind of person. Maybe that's why Jesus needed 12 apostles...different people to spread the same message?

The TMS experience is a courageous one because It is done ALONE and in the face of a mountain of other voices shouting it down. I could only compare it to a spiritual journey and many are called but few are chosen...wide is the road and narrow is the gate.... the Tao that can be told is not the true and eternal Tao.

I had a real burning bush spiritual experience when I was in my early 20's. I , who was a fan of physics and astronomy and came from the most rational snobby ivy league know-it-all family. I immediately went out and like most neophytes, wouldn't shut up about God. The thing I forgot is I WAS THE ONLY ONE FEELING IT! Everybody else just wrote it off to insanity, too much LSD and a lot of other dismissals. Now, 25 years later, occasionally, someone will ask me about something through which they are struggling.

Same thing with TMS. Usually men who have exhausted all other avenues or been in pain a long time.

I try to keep this in mind when my mind is closed to some other idea. What other amazing and effective miracles have I walked right by because I know-it-all?

Don't worry...gravity is in your favor. It is a sad truth, but eventually he will get relief and lose it, or get none and become exasperated or have a symptom change. You can only be the light... he has to open his own eyes.

peace

 

Thank you all for the kind replies! You all have a few more years of dealing with this, I appreciate the words of wisdom. Letting him come to me is certainly the best thing, I’m just thankful he is content to try to solve the pain with stretching and exercise and at least bought in enough not to want MRIs and orthopedic doctors opinions. At Andy’s suggestion I did some meditation to explore how I felt around all of this and did talk to him about my feelings, which went well. I think he’s really supportive of the whole concept and understood why I was hurt, but just isn’t ready to face the pain ina TMS way. He knows what I’ve told him and believes it but you can’t solve your TMS pain without really reading up and investing in the methods and he’s content to keep focusing on the physical for now.

 

Part of the whole TMS process in my opinion is "differentiation and autonomy." That we take our place in the world in a way which is true to us, regardless of the "other." Being yourself in relationship challenges the old patterns of being "good" or "perfect" or other conditioned stances we take to stay "in the field of love of our parents." Being more true to ourselves is a way to align what our "child" wants, and what makes sense in the adult world, which creates less "tension" down deep. I'm glad you have the bravery to be vulnerable and true to yourself, true to your feelings, MindBodyPT.