Second Bout of TMS

In some ways I'm glad that at least this is familiar territory and I'm not struggling with the diagnosis. I've been in pretty severe pain (right leg, sciatica to the foot, weakness) for about three weeks. I'm out of town, away from my usual resources but I'm 100% certain this is TMS. For one thing, it's been shifting around. I also had a period of 3 hours after an intense anxiety attack where the pain went away completely. I guess my unconscious figured that since the anxiety was out the pain wasn't necessary.

What I'm discovering this time around -- more so than my last period of TMS 5 years ago -- is just how much of a child my inner child actually is. Like really petulant, bratty, hyper sensitive and so needy. At work I'm given to pain attacks when I have to revise pages or when my collaborative partner critiques me. I get fussy about not wanting to work late and take to journaling on my couch in my office to deal with the pain. Last night when my husband didn't have time to talk I thought nothing of it but was soon crawling on the floor in misery. It was when I started journaling about how mad I was that he didn't MAKE time for me in this, my dire hour of need, that my pain flared up and out.

So I'm curious, are others discovering that the unconscious is so unruly and impossibly demanding? I'm not a parent and have always walked a wide berth around children -- only to find that one has taken up residence in my mind and is pulling the strings of some serious pain mechanisms.

 

Hi, Murmur. Your post indicates you have a lot of anger aimed at your inner child, and also have relationship problems at work and home. Your husband should make time for you so you can discuss things with him. But maybe he has his own TMS and keeps silent about it. I think most men are not comfortable taking about emotional or personal issues.

I work as a writer so I know what you mean by dealing with critiques of your work. My book publisher boss wants perfection out of me and everyone else, but is far from perfect himself. I just don't dare tell him this or he would go nertz or just deny it.

On the plus side is you do believe your pains are caused by TMS emotions. You have to convince your inner child to let up on you. You can only do so much at work and home.

I suggest you read Dr. Sarno's Healing Back Pain 12 Daily Reminders, and Herbie's extended version of them:

Herbie’s Extended Version of Dr. Sarno’s 12 DAILY REMINDERS

1. The pain is due to TMS. This is real pain or anxiety but it is caused by subconscious tensions and triggers, stressors and traits to your reactions and fears and also when at boiling point your conscious tension can and does also cause real pain.
2. The main reason for the pain is mild oxygen deprivation. This means that when you get in pain or anxiety then the blood is restricted from going to your lower back, for instance. The blood being restricted causes oxygen deprivation which causes the pain. Remember, where there is no oxygen then there is pain in the body. Also, the pain stays because of fear.
3. TMS is a harmless condition caused by my REPRESSED EMOTIONS so even though you think you can harm yourself from the years of pain you have felt and how you feel in general -- so far no reports have been heard from TMS healing knowledge causing damage to anyone, it only helps.
4. The principle emotion is your repressed ANGER -- this means under your consciousness lies something that happens automatically to everyone. TMSers have repressions that are stored because of our personality traits, traumas, stressors, fears, strain, etc... When these stored repressions build and build, then eventually they cause the brain to send pain into your body to keep you from having an emotional crises. The mind-body thinks it is helping you.
5. TMS exists to DISTRACT your attentions from the emotions, stressors, tensions and strains of your personality traits because if you can get distraction then you won’t have to be in emotional turmoil. When you don't face and feel your emotions and they get repressed because you didn't want to deal with something -- they are just adding up in this beaker, ready to pour over and create real pain and anxiety in your body.
6. Since my body is perfectly normal, there is nothing to fear. So in reality when I fear the pain or anxiety I just cause myself undo strain and tension adding to the beaker of pain. If I fear, then I feed the pain, If I fear, it’s impossible to recondition. Fear keeps the pain and anxiety alive in the body through focus.
7. Therefore, physical activity is harmless. If I want to work against the pain I could but it’s better to lose some of the pain so when I start my life over I have to be in pain trying to heal because facing the repressions and all the other activities that cause the pain and reversing my fear and focus to them, then I can heal.
8. I am resuming all normal physical activity. I don't fear moving anymore. I believe in my body’s ability to heal now. I can move as I want. I will not fear moving with a bent back anymore. I will also practice going out and acting normal again, not in fear of what pain might do to me.
9. The pain is unimportant and powerless. Its only power is how it is hidden -- its illusion, its fear.
10. I will keep my attention on the emotional issues. I will think about my emotions and feel my emotions throughout the day. I will not judge, criticize or fear my emotions. I will not run from my emotional issues but face every one of them. I will feel my emotions fully and cry if I need to. Then I will release the emotion and get my mind and thoughts back to my life and living in the present.
11. I am in control of all of this. This is how I recover.
12. I will be thinking PSYCHOLOGICALLY AT ALL TIMES. This means I will keep my thoughts on psychological issues like happiness, fear and anger -- traits and triggers, conditioning and journaling -- The science behind mind-body/TMS healing, etc.... This way I will not feed my thoughts to the body -- that is a trick of TMS. TMS will always try to get me to focus on the body caused by the pain until I break its show and flair. When I get my attention off physical symptoms and on to emotional issues and psychological issues then I will not feed the fear of the physical issues anymore, thus making the TMS of no pain effect on the body. This will in return, give us the cure and become pain-free.

 

Thanks Walt,
You hit the nail on the head. Yes, lots of anger directed at that kid because he messes with my attempts at perfectionism. A gentler tone seems I order. The relationship at work is complicated to be sure. Journaling turns up a lot of resentment and neediness. I do feel my needs at home take a back seat to his job... Then again, I'm guilty of the same. We're taking each other for granted it seems.

Will read the expanded 12 reminders. The short version is my go to whenever I catch myself symptom monitoring.

 

OMG, yes! All the time! When the id wants something, it won't let go! You were a child once, and that part of you never goes away. It just gets covered up by 'adult' responsibilities and self-control. That's good! You never want to lose the child inside you.

But I don't think the inner child is responsible for TMS symptoms. It's that other part of the unconscious, the inner parent, that pulls the pain strings. One of the therapists here can correct me if I'm wrong. The inner parent (the superego) is our internalized sense of responsibility and duty. The unruly inner child makes the superego very nervous, and when it gets too scared it creates pain as a way of diverting attention. Like Charlie Brown banging his head against a tree -- nothing takes our mind off emotional pain like physical pain. Except TMS is unconscious, whereas head banging is not.

Donald Trump is never going to have TMS. He doesn't have a superego. He does whatever he wants and doesn't give a damn what anyone thinks.

 

That's right! There're a lot of players inside my head. I've spent so long ignoring them it's easy to forget who's who!

 

Hi Murmer,
Yes, inside me is a very needy child. When it emerges consciously (instead of acting out unbeknownst to me!) I am stunned at how needy it is, how it seems it can never get enough, even when obtaining a lot! So I can relate.

I think Walt is right to observe how rejecting you are of the inner child. I think the best we can do is develop compassion for ourselves, and learn to have a better relationship with this child inside. Can I allow his desire and neediness? Can I play with it, feel it, relate to it instead of:

It is great that you can see this.

And this reaction is so natural, to reject. To push away anything that "blows our self image." The superego developed to keep us in the love of our parents/caregivers. It rejects that in us which it believes makes us unlovable (neediness, anger, etc).

I think this isn't quite it, but close. Yes, it is the superego that "pressurizes the system" because it attacks the inner child. And the superego is another distractor which keeps feelings unclear, unconscious. If Dr. Sarno's theory is correct, it is the response of the child to the superego's rejection and blatant non-attunement that causes difficult feelings in the inner child. Such as sadness that there is no real contact and appreciation. Rage that it is not seen but instead rejected. Fear that there isn't any love. All the things in us that once lived in real time in relationship to our caregivers comes up, or has "never left."

The superego fuels "difficult emotions" because of its activity of rejection/bullying. It is the child that experiences the "difficult emotions" and repression and TMS come into play. That is my understanding.

So Murmer, it seems our TMS work with our "parts" is to see when we are rejecting/attacking ourselves, and make more space for the needy, tender, weak, confused parts. This can be done by addressing the Inner Bully directly and by learning more self-compassion.

One way to address and disengage from the Inner Bully is to inquire into where you learned the messages you treat your needy self with. Trace it back to your caregivers. Each of us carries very specific messages and "flavors" in our superego that we took on when it was developing. When you see which parent figures gave you certain messages, and that they still live in you, you can take better action, rather than just accepting this self-treatment.

You are on track, in my opinion!

Andy B.

 

Thanks Andy! Self compassion is a big one. I've been a merciless task master -- this past year especially. I'm good at identifying the causes of my anger but not so great at calming, soothing and diffusing myself when I get worked up. This week I'm no longer cursing or fighting my pain but trying to accept it and stay calm. Fighting was just making things worse.

 

Well it's been about 2 months since my relapse started and things are much, much better. It's really amazing to look back and know that even just 4 weeks ago I could barely stand in line at the grocery store because of my sciatica and now I'm going to the gym, sitting comfortably and standing easily in long, long, holiday gift return lines.

I was so scared when I had this second flare up that it would take as long as it did the first time to go away. (About a year). I've got an appointment booked with Dr. Schecter for January, but I might not need it by the time it rolls around.

I didn't have a sudden reduction in symptoms. It's been a very gradual and subtle process over these past weeks. So much so that I wasn't sure I was healing at all until I stopped and took stock of all the things I was able to do again and how much less time and thought I was giving over to my pain.

Basically I read and re-read The Great Pain Deception.
I journaled using Dr. Schecter's Mindbody Workbook.
I meditated to Jack Kornfield's guided meditations for healing.
I corresponded with another forum member!
And I got physical exercise every day. Either in the gym or on a bike.

I'm still doing these things now but I am more moderate and flexible about them as I get back into normal life.

The biggest shift for me was when I decided that I wasn't accepting the limits of my pain and would live my life as best I could despite discomfort. I went to work, I went to required social events, I drove when I had to drive (the worst!) and I stopped talking about my pain to my friends and husband. I would only say, "I'm comfortable or I'm uncomfortable" but I would not give details.

 

This stokes me out! I'm pumped you're getting through it. I think I'm improving too, but like you said, it's a bit hard to tell cuz I'm trying to just go about my life. Thanks for the update!!!!

 

You did great Mike. I hear people have success with the SEP?.

 

It sounds like your recovery is going great Mike!

Markus - what's got you staying away from starting SEP today?

 

I'm so happy you had another forum member to correspond with.