This is my story

Hello everyone,

i wanted to do this for a long time so i decided that i will share my story today. I wrote a bit on the Educational Program Day 10 at the end of march i believe.
I am 28 years old.

When i was 7 years old i developed love for track and field because at my school we had a yearly contest in sprinting and jumping etc... and i joined a track and field club and i was so good at it that i went to a sports school. This time tho i wasn´t the best anymore and just average because everyone was so good. In addition to that i was bullied in this school because everyone in my class would laugh at my sleepy voice and my parents were kinda poor at this time and this school was a private school and everyone of those kids had expensive clothes and i was kinda the outsider. We had school road trips and i was so anxious that i simulated an illness just to get out of it and on school days too. This was around 2004. I was 12.

But when time went on it would get better because i got heavily motivated on my sport and i actually became one of the best athletes on my school and won championships. I quickly became famous too on my school. I wasn´t the outsider anymore. This was around 2006. I felt so good at this time.

HERE IT STARTS:
But this wouldn´t last long, around early 2008 i injured my right ankle, it was diagnosed with overuse and it all happened due to a bentover on a curb during a track and field championship. I was in severe panic because i never had an injury. SO the more i would run the more worse it would be. I did nothing for months besides strength training. But as soon as i started to run and sprint it would hurt. 6 Months later it would hurt on my left ankle aswell, but i did not step on anything this time.
It was so frustrating for me because i couldn´t run anymore and doing this what i love the most. I went to diverse professional sports orthopedics but they could not diagnose me with something and around early 2009 i was diagnosed with chronic inflammation on both tendon ankles. They said that were my tendon would get through was to thin and because of that i would become this inflammation everytime i would run. My doctor literally said that i have to retire with 17 years of age of my sports career.

So i did that in mid 2009 and was forced to change to a normal school. I actually didn´t feel anything when i did this change. I wasn´t depressed or something like that just unhappy. Every time i would think of that injury that forced me to retire i would think of it that one day i would be back to running again professionally.
It never happened.

Actually i had a pretty good time in my new school. I was lifting weights since 2 years because i couldn´t run obviously and i was pretty buffed at this time and everyone in this school noticed me as HULK, this was acutally my nickname because i had pretty low bodyfat and my veins would show out. I felt so good.
I had friends and i met girls and stuff and life was pretty good.
Since then i had girlfriend who i met in a bar around end of 2009 and i stopped lifting weigths because i had no motivation anymore.
So this went on for 2 years and i finished my graduation in 2011.
Looking back it was a good time.

So and this it were it all started to become worse.
At the end of 2011 my girlfriend left me because we had severe dispute. Again i was unhappy. I started to do my apprenticeship in finance and i hated my collagues because i was getting bullied again for my sleepy voice and i would simulate illness again to avoid getting bulied at work and at this time around early 2012 my grandma died because of cancer and she was so close to me. I would talk to her about my problems and she would help me with everything.

I actually went on with life and started to play videogames in every spare time i had. I could repress my feelings pretty good in any situation and i couldn´t talk about my feelings with my parents nor my friends my whole life because i didn´t want them to know that i am weak and i was afraid of disappointing them, i always wanted to impress them. I also had a alot of controversy with my parents and my father would be violent at some times. But i was forced to quit my job because of too much days on leave and i started a new apprenticeship as a merchant at the end of 2012.

As i said i played a lot of videogames and i thought i could become a professional gamer now so i simulated illness again and was on sick leave so that i can become better and can play and as it turned out i wasn´t good enough to play profesionally this PC videogame i was in severe depression. I still had this job as a merchant but i was on sick leave early 2013 to the end of 2013, no goal in life and my parents sent me to a psychotherapist. And i was forced to do a stationary stay on psychiatric clinic for a couple of months. There i found new hope, i also found a special girl whos been there aswell, i would talk with her and i loved her but couldn´t tell that i wanted to be with her. So she would think we are just friends. At the end of 2013 i left the clinic and i was motivated, feeling well, started to lifting weights again and met that special girl a lot.
So everyting seemed fine. I still had this job and i was coming back to that apprenticeship as a merchant. On my first day back at the end of 2013 i drove to work and i received a notifcation via facebook that the girl i loved started a relationship with a guy i don´t know and she didn´t told me about him.
I had like a panic attack and was forced to stop on a road, it blew my mind. It felt like my whole existence felt apart.
I wanted to continue to drive to my work but i couldn´t and turned around back home.
I wrote a heartwarming message with all my emotions for her to that special girl and it was like an essay, she answered me with that this was the cutest and honest text she had ever received and she actually said sorry to me and she said she didn´t know that i would have this feelings for her. I was so much in anger but not with her, WITH ME. So after that we would never meet again, because she blocked me everywhere after i stalked her for a year and did dumb things like writing texts and pictures and stuff and calling her everyday. I just couldn´t let go of her and i still have feelings for her despite its been 8 years now. I dont get it.

Life went on and i had ups and downs 2014 and 2015, i was unemployed and still living with my parents who payed for me and stuff. I was in front of a PC or TV whole day and going partying on the weekends with friends, lifting weights a bit but not often. I actually decided to go on surgery for both my ankles in 2014 and after that it would be even more of a problem. Before surgery i would be able to walk normally whole day. BUT after the surgery it felt different i had to rest for months wearing a special shoe. So in 2015 i had pain in both my ankles even walking after an hour. I am also wearing insoles in both my shoes till today.

In the end of 2015 my parents had enough of it and i was forced to search for a apprenticeship again.
I did a rehabilitation program i was accepted to do because of my depression.
I started this apprenticeship in 2016 as computer scientist, despite it was not advised to me to do because of the stressful nature of this job but it was accepted.
I had hope in beeing good at it and i actually was. I was motivated and had good degrees, i was focused on that but still playing videogames but for fun not competetively. I met a girl in that time and i was partying normally. Had a good life again.

Then in mid 2017, my ankles were kinda fine, wouldn´t do much walking and stuff but i had no pain.I had something awkward that i never felt before. I was alone at home and at this time we had to search for a 6 months internship.
I felt to sleep pretty early but right after i slept i had like an electric shock in all of my body and i was completely awake my heartrate was so high that i felt it beat so heavy but it wasn´t high actually.
I was in such an anxiety that i had panic for a couple of weeks and at my sisters birthday my parents would call the emergency because my head was red hot and i felt panic again and i had stomach pain also.
This is were my anxiety really begins. I would be careful at everything i do, caring about healthy food all things must be in that order and checking doctors and stuff where this stomach pain comes from, i also stopped smoking cigarrettes and stopped drinking alcohol. I was then diagnosed with irritable bowel and i took medicine for it. It became better everyday but at some times i was feeling my stomach like blasting up and stuff. I was so focused on my stomach that i felt every little thing thats happening. Then i had my final exam and it would become worse. During this time in mid 2018 i was afraid of everything i was eating and actually i was only weighing 57 kilos ( 180cm) but i successfully finished my apprenticeship as a computer scientist and the pressure was away and my stomach problems are still here if i had stress. After i finished i had a couple of months spare time and i was playing pc games whole day and i noticed some kind of pain on my right wrist but that went away (i used a ergonomic mouse pad with wrist support and that helped) and i was going a couple of times the gym with some friends.

In late 2018 i accepted a good job as a computer administrator and started to lifting weights again. I noticed that lifting weights actually was really good for my stomach problems so i was going to the gym like 5 times a week. I also took 5-htp everyday for my mental health. Now i thought about doing bodybuilding professionally because i am that guy that can build really fast muscle mass. I went from 57 kilos to 70 kilos in the end of 2018.
My job was good because i had no stress, i just administrate the computers and stuff doing server work and if i did all things right i had nothing to do.
So i worked a couple of hours a day and then playing games or watching something in my office.
After i came home i went to the gym and was lifting weights 4 to 5 days a week. In my other spare time at weekends i was either with friends eating or playing board games or hiking actually.
This went on till the end of 2019, as i said i had my stomach problems under control and it wouldn´t bother me.

At this time i wouldn´t do much progress in lifting weights although i weigh now 80 kilos.
Benched 100 kilos, doing squats with 130 kilos and deadlifting 150 kilos. I actually had a pretty good form and caring about the right execution for my exercises and also had wrist guards and everything.
I played more pc games with good friends at this time, the same kind of games i played also in 2013.
So i decided to reduce the gym time to 3 times a week so that i can play more pc games with my friends.
In december 2019 when corona actually happened i noticed some kind of numbness in my right index finger, but that didn´t bother me till january 2020 where the pain on my index finger started to become severe. I couldn´t click on my mouse anymore without pain. I also stopped lifting weights immediately because two days after that i started to become wrist pain on my right hand.
I did cooling and pain ointments and resting it and i was also on sick leave for two weeks but it wouldn´t become better. I went to an orthopedist and i was diagnosed with tendonitis on my right index finger and right wrist.
I used my left hand for working at my job and no 2 weeks later my left wrist would hurt aswell. My doctor said i have to wear splints on both my forearms and wrists to become better. During this time i was kinda able to work because we were in shutdown and had to do homeoffice so i wasn´t on sick leave but i would rest everyday and wearing splints on my wrists. I could not do normal things like lifting something or even holding cup of coffee. I literally was disabled. One time i said **** it and played some games a day on PC, the day after my wirst would be swollen. I had so much pain in my right wrist and could not do anything.
A month later the pain was a 2/10 and i was watching movies or netflix and resting and actually i could play some games on my playstation with the controller for a bit, the funny thing is had no pain at all doing this. But after a month i noticed stings on both my hands and stopped it immediately.
I was so upset because i couldn´t lift weights and playing games anymore. The things i loved to do.
I started to smoke and drink again but stopped a couple of months later till mid 2020 where i was in severe pain now on both my wrists and index finger felt numb because i played with an controller some video games
I went to another orthopedist and he checked for my cervical spine and did MRIs of my right hand and cervical spine.
He diagnosed me with intervertebral disc bulge and that i almost have a herniated disc, so i did physio and heatguns and redlight and stuff and i actually felt better but only for a couple of weeks.
In summer 2020, despite never having any real neck pain i actually had pain now on my neck ?? I was like what is going on.
I went to an osteopath and chiropractitioner at this time and they diagnosed me with cervical spine syndrome and this causes my wirst and index finger pain. They would adjust my cervical spine and crack(adjust vertebrae??) my whole spine and give me some natural injections.
So i spent my whole summer lying on my garden and doing nothing. I had no social contacts but one because i also was afraid of corona. Texting here and there but thats it.
Also going to work and focusing more and working since i received some anger from my collagues that im lazy. So i worked 40 hours week despite in pain and resting when i come home and on weekends i did nothing just to rest my arms. No sport or anything.

In june 2020 i found a page named rsipain.com and i did the program for months doing stretches and going swimming and stuff doing fascia massage and strengthening exercises. Worked on my bad posture but two months later still the same and i had ocasionally back problems now.

In september 2020 i said to myself, i have had enough i googled everyday for the whole 2020 to find a solution to my pain and nothing works and at this point i discovered from the site rsipain.com -- Dr. John Sarno "Healing Back Pain"and "The great pain deception" Steven Ray Ozanich.
I finished reading the books in a couple of days. I found myself in every line of it. I found hope to do the things i loved to do again.
I was thinking positively despite having pain and trying to be happy, i went for short walks with happy music everyday and going to work normally, doing all the normal things, but i was still afraid to play games or meeting with people and going the gym i didn´t even consider.
Actually my wrist pain went away but my numbness in my right index finger persisted and it was painfull at times too when clicking with the mouse but i wasn´t focused on it anymore so i decided to buy myself a new pc setup, it was my dream to build a pc on my own and i just did it. My pain was better in my index finger and i started to play pc games ocasionally again. I had fun and i was happy till my neck would hurt again and my index finger would become number and number. I started to become frustrated and depressed so i started to cure that with a lot of alcohol and played on weekends much longer than i should. But the pain wouldn´t be in my wirst this time. Only on my index finger and neck.

Around christmas 2020 i had to do stocktaking with a colleague in my job for a week and i had to use my hands a lot and i had to look up alot with my head. I was in pain every day with neck and i cured it with heating and resting my finger. But as i said my wrist pain went completely away.
I didn´t tink of TMS anymore because the pain was manageable. I could go to work and play video games ocasionally till february. I still was drinking alot of alcohol and doing nothing besides working and stretching and heating to cure my neck pain.

In February 2021 my dad had birthday and my sister and parents were there. Days before that i had severe tension around my neck area and i couldn´t cure it.
As the birthday started so did the pain. That neck pain was 7/10 or an 8/10. I literally had to cry and i left on the couch the whole day and ocasionally talking while in pain. This was 24/7 for like two weeks and i took painkillers but it didn´t relief the pain, i thought i had applied too much redlight on my neck.
I went to an orthopedist again and he gave me injections and muscle relaxation meds.
After the injections my neck started to literally explode to a 10/10 pain. But why? They should help after like 5 mins and i had to drive 45 mins home. To this day i dont know how i could drive with that much pain but i did. I was disabled 24/7 for another 3 weeks. I had panic attacks and was depressed more than ever.
I had now also pain in my other back parts aswell.

At the end of march i was thinking of TMS again. I found this tmswiki and i did the TMS Educational Program for 36 days, i stopped taking painkillers and muscle relaxation and only taking 5-htp (its like an antidepresssant but natural)
I learned so much in that time frame and cried of past events and i become emotionally in every situation and my pain would become less and lesser despite going for walks for 2 hours a day and working in my homeoffice and playing pc games.
I was committed to that program and i believed in TMS. The pain in my neck was like a 2 or 3/10 now.
As i was walking for 2 hours a day my ankle pain would come back ocasionally.

My mother had birthday on the beginning of may and it also was the start of my 2 weeks of holidays, it would become worse at that day. My pain went to a 5 or 6/10 again despite doing nothing. I doubled the dose of my 5-htp and still went for walks 2 hours a day and trying now to get more social contacts and the pain went completely away in my neck last week when i stopped taking 5-htp (needs a one week pause) and doing a journaling TMS free week.

But this week is completely different, i was in doubt again because i had to work again and was in fear of becoming pain in my neck and having RSI body related.

On monday i had a meeting with a TMS-Therapist and he said that i have TMS and i am on his program since then and i am also on a waitlist for psychotherapy which i can start in 3 months.
I am still taking 5-htp.

I got hope and was physical active and also would work 8 hours the next day with ups and downs but i actually would think emotionally and the symptoms would not bother me and would meet with a friend at evening and i wasn´t exhausted at all.

The next day i was in homeoffice again. I would not work because i did all the things yesterday.
I felt lonely and i would cry because my neck was in a such a tension and my wrist pain would come back, they werent there for almost half a year but because i wrote this text so fast ?
I had such anxiety that i had panic attack and would feel depressed again.
It feels like i am seeing my home as an enemy, because all the negativity i had there my whole life.
Yes i am living still at home.
WHY I HAVE DOUBTS ?
I dont know if i should go to stationary psychiatric again but i would lose my job and so on.

I´ve had numerous conversations with my parents in the past and they dont understand me. They say to me you have it all in your life your so privileged stop being sad, stop being a hypochonder, your making us depressed aswell and so on and i encounter them everyday. I feel so alone doing this i dont know.
I just want to escape and run away because i dont wanna get hurt by people and it is an easy way out.
It worked for me in my early days but now i cannot escape. I cannot escape in going to the gym or playing games. I cannot escape out of my job. It is like i am captured by myself. It feels like my whole life i have been held to do something else. It is so hard to think not body related because i can feel every muscle in my body so damn good and i feel every sensation, i dont know how to stop it. They pull me down on my journey to heal.

I am so sorry for this long story of my life and i feel selfish to post it and i dont know if its the right place but i dont have everyone to talk to about this and english is not my native language so please be kind to me but i feel like i have to share it with you, despite i considered a couple of days to post it.

 

Please don't feel bad about sharing your story. This pandemic has been lonely which triggers both emotional and physical symptoms. It's ok to keep doing what you enjoy even if you feel bad. Breathe deeper and get away from things you don't need (news etc.) and find what matters to you. Mind body healing may take a while. A lot of people here have had your symptoms and things can get better.

 

Thats true. I also feel like i did too much journaling in this week and thats too much emotionally for me right now because it triggered so many symptoms in this week and i am usually impatient so if my symptoms coming again i get frustrated easily.

 

@Bluemoon, I almost feel like your entire TMS journey is right here in your final paragraph.

- It's sad that you feel you must apologize for posting your story in a forum that encourages members to post their stories.
- It's sad that you think it's selfish to post a long story.
- It's sad that you are afraid that you posted in the wrong place to ask for support, although this subforum is literally titled "Support".
- And it's sad that you are afraid that the people here will be unkind because English is not your native language.

You have already made big gains towards TMS recovery, and you have already seen proof that simply changing your brain can work. But your fearful brain has an enormous amount of control over you, and it keeps bringing you back down into fear. The apologies, the fears, the feeling that you aren't good enough (selfish, etc) - these are all products of the TMS mechanism in your brain, which is addicted to keeping you in fear. Deep in your unconscious, your fearful brain is still convincing you that letting go of these fears is somehow dangerous to your survival.

Clearly you are close to your family, but these fears all start with the family, in childhood, and that's where you will need to do your hardest work. I think that you can look forward to finally getting to work with a therapist, although right now, 3 months seems far away.

There is a lot of information in your story, but my one piece of advice is still based on your last paragraph. You asked us to be kind because of your use of English - which feels like you are begging us to feel sorry for you. This is negative, fearful, and self-hating!

How about turning this around, changing the words, and maybe changing how you perceive this? Instead of asking people to feel sorry for you, how would it feel if you said "English is not my native language, so thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully understand my story!"

In other words, instead of assuming that the best outcome is that people will feel sorry for you, you are thanking us ahead of time, on the assumption that of course we will be kind, because why wouldn't we?

For one thing, most of us on this mostly US/UK forum would never be able to make ourselves understood in another language, so I personally admire anyone who takes that risk and posts here

The next, much bigger piece of advice I have is this: it's time for you to start figuring out why you treat yourself so badly. Your ultimate goal on the path to recovery must be self-acceptance and self-love.

~Jan

 

This happened to me too. Journaling makes thoughts visible, but your body is still processing trauma. So something like Alan Gordon's somatic tracking or somatic experiencing can help you feel more grounded and calm in your body.

 

I didn't even thought of looking it at this way. I even tried to avoid answering and keep reading your response because i was afraid..

I guess that my anxiety all started in my childhood, because i saved my little sisters life, she was drowning and i noticed it and i was so angry at my parents. Since then i actually would watch out for my sister everytime, because i am scared to lose her.

This forum keeps my hope for recovery alive, i try to read as much success-stories as i can if i am in doubt. So many great people are here.

 

It was scary to read your story, at one point. i was confused if it was my own life you were writing about. Our ages are almost the same as well as are the time frames.. I also have difficulties with obsessions and one them is gaming and working out in gym as well. Ive been in a rehab clinic myself for alcohol, benzo, gaming, gambling addictions.

The obsessions are also distractions, i call it false hope now. As long as i work hard enough at X and i will get great at X then my life will be good or then people will like me/notice me or whatever. Which is of course an illusion. And these obsessions always crumble down, its like a carrot hanging in front of you that you can never reach. Where after it crumbles down you get in some state of depression or fear until you find the next obsession which distracts you from that again.


And this fear, depression and false hope all distracts us from our real hidden, unconscious pain. That's what im working on now and im hopeful.

 

So the last couple of weeks i am journaling like the whole day because if i'm depressed or in pain i have to find something to cure, hope. But i realised in the long run it gets worse and worse. My neck pain bothers me the most because i'm afraid of doing things and i would just sit and do nothing and wait it out a few days to get better, but it is so exhausting and depressing to know you can't do this or that. My wrist pain went away completely again because i don't care about it.

I have ordered books, read so many stories, going to my PT who said i should take SSRI, but i'm afraid to take them.

I can't listen to music because i get emotional and i would cry afterwards, yesterday i was complemented how i did my job and i had to cry on toilette, i also realised i would cry for no reason at all. I JUSTwanna laugh again. I forgot what joy is, that's all because i decided to quit playing online games since a couple of weeks ago, because i was obsessed of it. I would watch videos and streams how to get better and playing occasionally and most of the time my pain went away... that is actually what kept me believing that i will be cured in the last 3 months. I just saw the light at the end of the tunnel because of an ****** online game. This is sick and i realised in the last 8 years thats the case. Either hitting the gym or playing games, mostly alone and one time in a couple of months i would meet up with friends.

It's like i have too much time for myself ? But thats only because i avoid things because of "What if" reasons. I can't run because my foot would hurt afterwards, i can't go to work (i'm in homeoffice so i can rest) because my neck would hurt afterwards, i can't take long car rides because my neck would hurt then.
I can't meet up with friends because im scared of hurting myself, and so on and on it goes. How can i break the chains without being scared of the outcome.

I am just overwhelmed with sadness and listless and i don't know what i should do, i'm so impatient about anything.