Feeling Road Weary

We've been on the road for 2 weeks now and I've been feeling pretty good this tour. I've had minimal pain for the first time in 2 years and I've started practicing again, 2 things I thought I'd never be able to do, especially while on the road. I have noticed a little bit of pain that has migrated to my hands and wrists, but I know it's just TMS fighting for a way to distract me. The last couple days have been rough though. Yesterday we had a 9 1/2 hour drive from Wyoming to Montana and it was my turn to drive. We arrived just in time for soundcheck with no time for dinner. We then played for about 8 people and made a wopping $120. I then slept on the floor of our friend's basement apartment. It was a pretty degrading night all in all. I felt insecure about my playing, my band and whether I was good enough. I felt sad and angry all day today. We head home for the last leg of this tour tomorrow, which is nice I guess. I always get anxious when we're about to leave on a tour and when we're about to get home from one. It's like there's a re-entry period that I have to go thru. I'm excited to be home but that also means obligations that I don't have to worry about when I'm traveling. I've also been so busy and stuck with my bandmates that I haven't been able to do any journaling or SEP work. I'm writing this about 10 minutes before we go on tonight. Hopefully tonight's show is a little better. Either way, my goal is to be gentle with myself and to connect to the emotions- which right now is a lot of anger, frustration, fear and sadness. They don't put this stuff in the brochures for being a musician at career day.

 

Being in a band on tour must have its problems, such as where to sleep. Don't worry about doing the SEP work until you are back home and may have more time for it. Your goal is excellent, to be gentle with yourself. Focus on the pleasure you get from performing and how much the audience likes and appreciates it. Then enjoy being home again and relaxing after having done a good two week tour.

 

So the interesting thing about "home" is that it's not my favorite place to be necessarily. I live with my guitar player and another professional musician friend of ours with my guitar player's mom and her 5 cats and 2 dogs. It's a crazy artist house full of all sorts of avoidance and enabling. It reminds me of the house I grew up in, which obviously triggers inner child pain memories. Being back here will be interesting after having no pain on the road. I definitely feel some anxiety and tension about being home. I'm working on getting my own place but it will be awhile until I'm financially able to do that. For now, I guess it's best to explore the memories this house triggers for me as well as how it contributes to current stresses?