Going within...

I was told by an orthodontist many years ago that I would never get out of pain until I had this reconstructive jaw surgery to correct what he called a structural abnormality in my jaw. I went to see a TMJ specialist who said that I should wear a splint that corrected my bite to see if that alleviated my pain first, before resorting to surgery. I did. I gave it my best shot and my headaches, neck, and jaw pain were no better for it. Over the past 18 years, I have tried numerous chiropractors, acupuncturists, massage therapists, and therapists, physical therapy, rolfing, trigger point therapy, myofascial release, herbs, vitamin supplements, homeopathics, reflexologists, essential oils, even past-life regression therapy to no avail. All to get to Sarno's theory. It is the ONLY thing that makes any sense at all.

I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder nearly 22 years ago. Then a couple of back-to-back car accidents in '94 (literally three weeks apart) with a whiplash injury gave my brain all it needed to get the headaches really going in distracting me with pain. In addition to headaches, neck, and jaw pain, I have also had neurological symptoms of prickly sensations in my legs over the years which had no diagnosis. The neurologist wrote in my chart that anxiety could be responsible for my symptoms.

One of the reasons I feel so strongly that TMS is my answer is because during my mid-life crisis a few years ago, my pain and anxiety were all but gone. Now, however, they are back with a vengeance. Also, a couple of new things have crept up...tinnitus (a constant rumbling in my left ear) and Raynaud's Syndrome, both of which Dr. Sarno considers TMS equivalents. I believe my feelings of guilt, anger, and regret for having put my husband through so much during that time are causing all of this. In essence, I am punishing myself for it.

For years, I have been looking outside myself to find someone to fix me, yet all along I intuitively knew that I alone had that power. Feeling backed up against a wall with my pain having increased and spread over the past 18 months, I have nowhere to turn but within. Here is where the real work begins. Now I have a chance for true healing.

I just want to thank you all for being here.

 

Right on Honeybear!

You and I could have parallel stories except mine is back pain. I too have GAD and BOY is it distracting. I am at a point where I catch myself now with worry. It does no good. It's almost like "filler" for the mind when there's nothing else going on. A really hard habit (and I believe it's a habit) to break.

You have a good start HB - you are openly and "out loud and proud" accepting the diagnosis. Now the work begins. I will say that you will need occasional breaks from the work. It's overwhelming sometimes to the very thing we're trying to break (worry) and taking some down time from any program you're working - I found at least to be really helpful.

Good luck - and we ARE all behind you.

BG

 

hi Honeybear. Sorry to hear all you went through.

Happy to read of all your realizations!

 

Well done HB, you are on the right track, only we can heal ourselves and the only way is through. Try not to feel guilt for what your husband has "been put through". He loves you and would do the same for you. Feeling guilt is not right, none of this is your fault.
Hope you feel better soon,
xx

 

Sounds like a big breakthrough honeybear! Your husband is in control of his own life and how he handles stress, so while it is normal to feel guilt, don't beat yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong!

 

Thank you all for your support.

These realizations are not new for me, really. I have been aware of this all for over a year now. The guilt I feel is not about having TMS, it is about what I put my husband through during that mid-life crisis. How does a person get past guilt for things that one should rightly feel guilt and shame about?

 

I would write about feeling guilty or talk it out. "I feel guilty that . . ." or "my part of this is . . ." Let the feelings rip. "I hate it that I [did this or that]. . . "

We did the best we could in that moment for where we were at that time. This is where forgiveness of ourselves comes in.

Apologizing for our behavior is also an option and can be very relieving.

 

Lori is right, you need to forgive yourself as presumably your husband has done? What about the little girl inside of you, she needs to be loved & reassured. This also is where trying to live in The Now comes in. We can't change the past, we can learn from it, we can process the feelings via journalling/talking/meditating but it's gone, live for right now.