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“The part of your body where you have stored your anger is the part that has to express it” – John Lee
Recovery stories huh?

They help provide people with inspiration and hope that there is a path towards a life without pain.

For others, they are reminded of their own suffering which triggers even more despair and anger.

I understand. I have lived both of these sides. The light and the darkness are inseparable after all.

My story contains both of these halves because without either of them recovery wouldn't have been possible.

The Accident That Changed Everything
Let’s rewind to September 2014.

I was a fresh-faced young man who was enjoying the newfound freedom of being able to drive the ‘Flying Pig’ (a weathered Nissan Micra). The long years of feeling trapped in my isolating little village were over. I was mobile!

On a freezing cold November night, I was singing “Back In Black” by AC/DC at the top of my lungs as I drove back from a friends house.

I didn’t notice the speedo rising and rising. Before I knew it, I was at a tight corner and slid head-on into a van.

I came to shaking in the drivers seat. Terrified but relatively unharmed.

I was ushered into a police car where a policeman said, “Take a good look at your car. You are very lucky, I have never seen anyone walk away from a crash like that."

The local hospital diagnosed me with mild whiplash and just like that I was back at school two days later.

Something was said that day which was almost as damaging as the car crash: "Oh, it was your fault then." That comment knifed into my heart. My worst suspicions were confirmed: everyone blamed me for the crash.

Emotional Trauma and Physical Pain
“What happens in the mind of man is always reflected in the disease of his body” – René Dubos
After the crash, I had mostly manageable pain in my right shoulder.

That changed when my parents got divorced.

I was blind sided, confused, and in intolerable emotional pain.

It was so intolerable that I shut down and went entirely emotionally numb. Bu t the emotions had to be expressed somehow...

My pain skyrocketed.

Red hot pain lanced down my right leg.
Tension headaches rose from the back of my head and thundered across my brow.
Unbearable knots of tension cracked in my right shoulder.

I spent most of my time on the bedroom floor listening to 'History of Rome' podcast just trying to survive.

Two months passed. I was getting worse. I was getting desperate.

I made an emergency appointment with a doctor who diagnosed right shoulder bursitis. One week later I got a steroid injection.

Everything seemed to be going well. I was going to be fine in a jiffy.

But the injection did nothing. Literally nothing.

And the pain started moving to my left shoulder, down both my arms, into my pecs, and it became my constant, unrelenting companion.

I couldn't find relief. Sleep wasn't coming easily and anxiety was rising day-by-day.

Drugs and alcohol provided a very temporary relief and I became dependent on marijuana.

My life was my symptoms.

Thousands of pounds were thrown at pain relief.

Thousands of hours were spent following following treatment plans from physiotherapists, osteopaths, and other alternative providers.

Relief was always so temporary. The pain would come back and leave me feeling ashamed at my weakness and grieving my old life.

My first thought every day was, "How bad is it today?"

Life shrunk and shrunk.

Eventually, I gave up fighting and moved back home. The only route forward I could see lead to more pain. I was despairing.

Discovering the Mindbody Connection
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change” – Carl Rodgers
There came a point where I accepted that this might be it.

I distinctly remember thinking about how much I wanted to be a dad and feeling hopeless that I wouldn't even be able to pick my own children up.

After 8 years of fighting I fell deep in the darkness of despair.

And I stopped.

Stopped stretching for hours a day.

Stopped googling my symptoms.

I was done with fighting.

How odd it is that in this dark pit my mind began to open. An inner door gently swung ajar letting in a book that had been hidden for over a year.

‘The Mindbody Perscription’ by Dr John Sarno.

Ah, the book I previously labelled ‘psuedo-scientific bullshit’ but “What have I got to lose?”

Lightbulb. And another. And another. I lit up like a small-time celebrity had just turned on my towns Christmas lights.

Underlining, highlighting, writing notes in the margins. I finally had an explanation of my chronic pain that made sense and gave a roadmap to recovery.

I learned how repressed emotions, particularly anger, can create physical symptoms in a process called Tension Myositis Syndrome (TMS) and the common personality traits that lead to this.

I learned how we get trapped in chronic symptoms by our brains fear of pain and the shifts needed to reduce the fear of my body.

I had to approach my chronic pain psychologically rather than physically.

Weirdly and miraculously, that first day of reading was my first pain-free day in over 6 years. The black clouds lifted off my shoulders.

Applying the TMS Method to Heal
The pain returned.

But not the despair and hopelessness.

Because I knew that I could be pain-free.

I took a deep dive into Dr Sarno’s method with intensity and diligence.

*Perhaps a bit too much intensity as my inner perfectionist took up the task*

I learnt all I could about TMS from other OGs such as Steve Ozanich and Alan Gordon.

For months, I wrote for 20 minutes each day about a past stressor, a current stressor, or a personality trait. To my surprise, this practice brought up deep emotions that flowed onto the page.

I followed the 12 commandments that Dr Sarno recommended for every person with TMS.

Dr Sarno’s 12 Daily Reminders

1. The pain is due to TMS, not to a structural abnormality
2. The direct reason for the pain is mild oxygen deprivation
3. TMS is a harmless condition caused by my repressed emotions
4. The principal emotion is my repressed ANGER
5. TMS exists only to distract my attention from the emotions
6. Since my back (replace with whatever pain you’ve got) is basically normal there is nothing to fear
7. Therefore, physical activity is not dangerous
8. And I MUST resume all normal physical activity
9. I will not be concerned or intimidated by the pain
10. I will shift my attention from pain to the emotional issues
11. I intend to be in control-NOT my subconscious mind
12. I must think Psychological at all times, NOT physical.

To reinforce the belief that my body was structurally fine I said goodbye to the orthopedic pillows, stretching bands, and standing desk.

I started exercising again. A lot. I even started running.

I thought I hated running. but I was wrong. With my new found freedom I fell in love which still burns brightly today.

What Recovery Feels Like Years Later
Three years after finding Dr Sarnos work I am fully recovered.

If I get any symptoms I approach them with kindness, compassion, and curiosity

I live the work and the process of healing has changed me in ways that I couldn’t have imaged.

As Nicole Sachs says, 'healing from chronic pain is the biggest littlest thing you can do'

Through this journey I learned how to treat myself with respect and dignity. I learned how to tend to my needs.

Recovery has not been all sunshine and rainbows - there have been many times of doubt, anger, increases in pain, anxiety, more tears than I even imagined possible, and shifts in how I live.

I am not the same person who started the path to healing.

Recovery was not linear – it never is.

Even now I can get caught out by new symptoms and pain before I realize that they are TMS. But that is a normal part of being human. There is no cure for that.

I cannot express enough gratitude for having chronic pain. It might sound a little bit crazy but it guided me inwards when all I had ever done in my life was run. This process has deepen and enriched my life so much that I can't help but feel thankful for the trigger that led me to this moment.

This moment right here.

If you are struggling with chronic pain, feel free to reach out for support.