Acimjulian

October of 2010 was the onset of my pain. It began while I was walking; I felt a twinge in my right hip flexor that turned into a constant ache. Days later it started in my left hip flexor. I began having trouble walking. Weeks later the pain traveled into my hips, darting crisscross all through them. Shortly after I could no longer sit at my desk. My upper legs and hips were on fire! I went to my doctor; he prescribed pain medication and sent me to an Ortho for x-rays. After returning to my Doctor for the results he told me there was nothing wrong and that many women must resign themselves to a life with hip pain, it's just the way it is. Very confused and with prescription in hand, I left, after-all Doctors know best. Several months and many, many pain pills later the pain was only increasing and it started to spread into my lower back. He sent me to a pain clinic for further testing and stronger meds. The nightmare began.

Six month into the pain my body collapsed. I could no longer stand or sit. My lower back and legs could no longer bear the weight of my upper body. I still couldn't sit either. This was the beginning of a 5 year nightmare. I had to quit my job and I spend the next 5 years in a reclined position alternating heat, ice and tens unit to deal with excruciating pain that the heavy doses of narcotics wasn't taking care of. I cried, I screamed and I stayed jacked up on drugs and drank too much. I lost most relations with my 3 kids and friends. I mean, why would anyone want to be around such a pathetic woman? I tried so hard to get better and do better but nothing worked. I felt that I was disappearing from this life. I was 100% homebound, only leaving my apartment to go to the Doctor and grocery and that wasn't easy.

In my 5th year I became suicidal. I had never considered this before...EVER. I used to tell my friends that if I ever die and it looked like a suicide don't believe it...I love myself and life too much! Well at this point I hated myself and my life. For the first time in my life I felt hopeless. I wanted to die. There were several nights, when the pain and sleeplessness was so great that I took enough pain medication to kill myself. I did not care anymore. I even wrote out a letter to my children in case I didn't wake up. I always woke up, thank God.

This was 2016. I was 5 years into this hell. I had seen over 2 dozen Doctors, had every kind of testing that could be done on my body with no diagnosis. I was told by these professionals that they didn't know what was wrong with me, I would be crippled for life and one even told be I would die early from the side effects from medications, one way or the other... I had hit my last bottom in this nightmare.

At this time a power greater than my own gave me the courage to "unplug" from the mainstream medical community, get all the drugs out of my system and find out what is really going on with my mind, my body, and my spirit. It's been almost 2 years. I have made huge progress but still struggle with pain daily. I can see now that somehow the will and determination to unplug from the "medical system", in and of itself, started to relieve some of my pain and improve my circumstances. I think I was ready to take my power back.

I am a runner - I run from psychological pain. I have been this way since childhood. Maybe it protected me when I was young but in adulthood it has harmed me greatly. Don't get me wrong, I have done a lot of work on myself as an adult, psychologically and spiritually, and have healed many patterns of behavior and false drivers i.e. ego. When I found Dr. Sarno's book 5 years ago I considered it, I did. I even signed on to this program but I didn't follow through. I didn't want to discuss anger and fear. I wanted to believe that I had dealt with it, healed it all; Apparently not. I believe there are still residual effects lingering that I continue to filter life through. I am no longer willing to be in denial. So here I am, I'm back. Ready and willing to do what ever it takes to beat this pain. I am ready...