Katy

I have had almost everything on the symptom list, beginning in middle school. The final straw was unrelenting back pain. I also presently have heartburn issues, which I have had tests and nothing was found. Medication takes care of it and I don't want to focus on getting of it right now. I hope to someday. Right now I am focusing on back, hip and leg pain. I fell and tore my ACL a year ago and during PT for that I developed horrible back pain. I did fall about 25 years ago and had a compression disc fracture, so it makes sense that I would have pain there (tms pain that is). My orthopedist is wonderful and has been patient with me with my back pain.. He listens, took x-rays and said there is no reason for it that he can find. He said the reason for lower back pain is almost impossible to pin down. I started having really bad hip pain again and he sent me to the PT again. Don't know why, but after the first visit the back pain came back. That is what has pushed me to find my own answers for a change.

My husband found a used copy of Dr. Sarno's book "Healing Back Pain". I began reading it and it just made so much sense. (I have been reading about mindbody issues for quite a while, authors like Dean Radin, Bruce Lipton, Dr. Larry Dossey, etc.) I said that I could be the poster child for this. I have so many issues with childhood complete emotional abandonment. My parents were very sweet, but showed no emotions and expected everyone in the family to figure out their own issues. I was told over and over and over that the only thing to worry about is your health and that nothing is worth getting angry about( I had one therapist say if you wanted to make a hypochondriac this is how you would do it, so I know that I have to get physically ill before I know I need help). I repressed everything. My older brother made things worse by always demeaning me. When I had a child, ages ago, I went through 2 years of weekly therapy (couldn't hide out anymore with a baby and thank God I did because it made me such a better mother, breaking the cycle). I had terrible stomach pains and had every test they had. Several doctors just kept prescribing drugs, which did not work. Finally a warm and wonderful Physician's Assistant told me that you have repressed anger and recommended therapy. There was a pastoral counseling center that charged by what you could afford, so I went. What a process of learning. Luckily I had the most wonderful therapist. He worked with me and taught me how to feel, and put a name to feelings. The pain was in my lower abdomen and through therapy it kept moving upward, as if I was throwing it up. Finally it was in my throat and I could begin naming everything that was there, in the pain in my throat. The amount of repressed anger was unbelievable, once I allowed myself to be angry. Then he taught me forgiveness.

Anyway, I thought I had done all my work with this, but I guess it never ends. I now have a therapist that I have worked with for years. She did not know about tms but began reading about it. She is so excited to learn all about it so that we can work together to see what's going on with me now. It is a bit of mystery to me, but then so was the other so many years ago. My symptoms started back a year ago when my father died and I had to deal with my brother, who once again was demeaning. My father was my last parent to die and my only way to keep in contact with my brother, who of course I love anyway. Now that my dad is gone, I have lost my brother also, since he never has time for me and doesn't really seem to care at all. I avoid him because of how he makes me feel. I know absolutely nothing about his life anymore. I think the accident(which was misdiagnosed for 3 weeks, while I suffered in pain waiting for it to get better) was the catalyst for the pain this time. I don't know why. I know part of it was not being listened to or heard by the doctor that misdiagnosed me at first. That is a huge issue with me, not being heard, feeling invisible. I also have issues with aging. I have a fear of loss.

My therapist spent a lot of time on this website and we are going to work together. I started doing the structural education program and am reading many books on it. My back is so much better already. I don't have a problem with the mind creating pain, so I believed it pretty quickly. (Bruce Lipton's books and lectures helped me be ready to accept this). The variety of books has helped because different things in different books resonate with me. The more aha moments I can have the better.

Thank you so much for this forum. A few days ago when my back stopped hurting to the extreme I had the thought- I am going to be one of those stories.

It is hard for me to show feeling, so writing this is quite a leap of faith for me.

Katy