Lucylu

fur.i.ous.

That's how I describe myself on the inside. On the outside I smile because I'm expected to.

I wish I could open my mouth and let it all go.

That's where this story started. "Don't tell your parents." No, I wasn't a teenager when I first heard that. I was 3. Yes, 3. I knew that it was 'only a phase' for my cousin and uncle, who were both 13. My parents found out, but I felt bad because I knew it hurt them. Somehow, I knew it must've been something I was 'asking for.'

My whole life has been me keeping my mouth shut out of consideration for other people.

At 25, my husband had an 'emotional affair' with a friend.
At 34, he had another affair...with the same girl.
At 35 my 'pastor' embezzeled $25K over a 17 month time span. I certainly don't think that's all he took. I yelled at him and asked him where the money was. He called me a little girl. Yup, the one time I speak up for myself against someone other than my husband, and it's MY fault. wow.

And here I am. 36 years old.
My husband and I are still together, and have gotten lots of counseling.
There's a reason why I stayed, but it did take me a year to decide.

I've had so many symptoms over the past 18 months.
I'm thankful to have come across TMS and the wiki.