20 yrs and still in extreme discomfort

I haven't posted in many yrs now. I use to post almost daily when Steve Ozanich was here almost daily. Just making a time line for myself. I guess you could say I am exhausted with leg and back pain. Long story short I don't know if my life events have caused my problems. I have had every test possible including CT scans and all others, shots, just so tired of DRs. I lost a child many yrs ago, had difficult time with one of my sons with addiction, a breakdown, a husband who didn't/ couldn't perhaps be a dad to two boys as he was raised without a Dad. Not saying it effects all children like this but my boys needed him in their life. the guilt I felt was with me constantly. He was a good man but totally emotionally unavailable to us. He then had rotator cuff surgery and became addicted to Percocet, which as I am a nurse warned him to stop. we had been married 40 yrs. He became violent at times and just went off the rails with women and eventually took his life. He left my 30 yr old son and myself to find him. I moved as quickly as I could sell my house and then my son has a stroke on the same day as my husbands death 5yrs later. He spent 1 yr in a Nursing home and is now living with me as his caregiver. He has been home now for 5 yrs and I am growing exhausted, not just the emotional pain of seeing him in this condition, he has no use of the right side of his body. I am heartbroken for him. My other son and I see each other but his wife withholds the children from us as much as possible. I am a very loving and caring woman and she has jealousy problems with my relationship and my younger son. Moving on I had Colon Ca and thank God it was removed, no chemo but I worry about it coming back everyday. I don't want to put my son back in the nursing home but I am wearing thin with the pain. I did the program SEP, read Dr Sarnos , many others also. Steve O. Listen to Dn Buglio who is a huge help also. I have gone to therapy over and over. Thanks for listening, just needed to get this all out. I am not young but feel young in spirit. There is no place for young disabled people. I just feel if I could lode this physical distress than I could cope much better. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. OOPPS, I forgot to add that I gave in and went back to see an ortho Doc and within 1 min after an xray he boldly said you need a laminectomy. Should have never gone. Again Thanks for listening.

 

Nancy, I am so deeply sorry for your situation! It takes enormous strength and character to continue carrying on and being a full-time caregiver after all the tragedies you have experienced. I wonder if you tried meditation. Not a 15-minute-a-day here-and-there, but a deep one, at least 1 hour a day every day for several months? I credit meditation for pulling me out of CRPS, which is one of the extreme cases of chronic pain. It works very slowly but it works. Sending you my hugs and wishes of strength and peace.

 

Thank You for giving me some direction. I am very depressed and your suggestion is a great one, I find it hard to concentrate right now but going to try. I wrote so fast
yesterday just trying to get it all out as quickly as I could just trying to connect for help. I have fallen a few times and keep thinking maybe I injured my back that's why
I went back to the Dr. It seems today that the medical field has only surgery to suggest. I don't want back surgery as I have seen so many failures. I was a nurse and saw
many what we called frequent flyers. In for surgery only to return a few mths later for another and yet another. I find my body to be so tight at all times and keep trying to relax.
I use to have alot of friends but slowly but surely many don't want to stay involved with me being almost homebound with my son. I do get out but let's just say not without worry.
Thank You so much for your help. Doc has me on an antidep which stops me from crying which I think it would help if I could just cry.

 

I cannot understand why I only received one reply. am I too far gone?

 

I cannot understand why I received only one reply. Am I too far gone with tms from stress?

 

@nancy
I am sorry for your situation, and have some understanding. My mother became my father’s caregiver for 20 years. I know she felt much of the same feelings you have expressed, and the victimhood. Personally, I think that is where depression comes in. The feeling, or thoughts that doing what you need to do for yourself creates overwhelming guilt, and you begin to feel a victim or hostage to it the guilt. Do you think maybe that rings true?
I think where that intersects with Sarno is his idea of deep rage in our subconscious. Feeling victimized is enraging! I know I have had to work through much of that feeling.
When we get stuck in this point, and think almost solely about our (or others, like your son’s) situation we can become hard for others to relate to. I think we also can become exhausted because of not only day to day minutia of isolation and caregiving routines, but the constant mental searching for a way out of the situation - a better life for you and your son, and the feeling of powerlessness, along with overwhelming responsability and expectation.
Bit by bit, you have to find a way to dig yourself out.
You need to make the decision to follow the medical model or TMS model.
You’ll need to decide if you can give to yourself all the love, care and compassion you offer your son, and if you can devote some of the energy you give to him, for you.
You’ll have to decide if your thoughts, feelings, resentment and bitterness towards your daughter in law is helping or hindering your personal well being.
You don’t have to do it all at once, but you can start bit by bit, today.
I think that many folks who experience TMS do some work and even lots have heavy expectations of themselves. When more symptoms come up they are surprised or frustrated.. even feel like a failure. The reality is, that the work is never ending - we just have to keep investing in ourselves. My therapist suggested it’s like layers of an onion, and that at different times in our lives we need to get into another layer because it’s opportunity for personal enrichment.
Perhaps the therapy you had in the past served you then, but now you need a different approach.
There is meditation, there is journaling, there has recently been a thread on “Afformations” which you may find helpful.
I find listening to podcasts or YouTube TMS specialists encouraging and helpful. My favorites right now are these two.
Tanner Murtaugh: https://m.youtube.com/@painpsychotherapy/videos
And Miriam of Pain Outside The Box
https://m.youtube.com/@painoutsidethebox/videos
Lastly, when you feel you can, perhaps engaging an LSW who is a disability specialist who can help you sort out a care plan for both you and your son, that meets your needs would be helpful and compassionate for you both.

 

No, you are not far gone. Your situation is very difficult, it is hard for people to respond. There will be more responses. Give it time. Our collective wisdom will emerge.

 

Hi @nancy,
Your story is very overwhelming, for sure. Not hard to picture you having TMS at all! There are people on this forum who have healed with scenarios that appear to be extremely overwhelming. I, personally, don’t have a very easy situation, and I’m determined to heal. I think the biggest hurdle is to realize it might take some time —more than you were hoping for. And a ton of painful effort, with therapy, daily learning about TMS, journaling and meditating, to name a few things. Don’t be discouraged. You have found a good place that can help you. It has already helped me a lot!

 

Hi Nancy,

Please try QiGong. It's very calming and very easy to do. You can find it on YouTube, there are plenty of short sessions. 10 min/day will help you. It helped me in the past and I do it sometimes now. It works with energies. It's good.

Another tip: I went to an acupuncturist in the past, in the beginning of my TMS work, some ten and something years ago. She helped me to cry. I could not do it, I didn't have time to do it, and many other reasons. I mean...I started to cry after the first 15 minutes of treatment and I could not stop. She sent me to psychotherapy and actually gave me the name of a great therapist (specialized in short treatments EMDR for trauma). Many here are against acupuncture but I'm very appreciative of it. Not to go there forever but just for one or two sessions to help you release the trauma. You have to cry, there is a time for crying and you need to do it. Just let it go from the body, release it. After the first session and the crying like a mad woman...I was 50% better. And I could sleep during the night.

Take care, I feel for you. Try to find something to do every day for your own soul. Grow a small garden, even if it's just one plant. Just find something small every day that brings joy into your life. Please.

 

I agree with @Sita, much of what she has said is what others have said to me.
The video channel of Tanner has Qui Gong for TMS instructions on it. That is is favorite nervous system regulator.
My EMDR therapist (similarly, who recommends short groupings of sessions) also suggested I look into finding someone who is stilled at hands on (she recommended Reiki or cranial sacral) work that I can trust and form a bond with so that there is a person I can express emotion with if needed, and be trusted with my feelings and not have to talk about them. I have not done this yet, but she felt it wasn’t at all out of line with TMS theories because you aren’t going for any physical care. You go for self-care - to have a sacred space and a place for just you with someone to remind you that you are there for you and to support you. Some people get the exact same effect from a pedicure or getting their hair done..

 

Hi Nancy. There are many great suggestions above. Can you treat yourself to a massage? Not to treat the pain but to treat yourself to relax and just simply enjoy it. I really like massages because they feel good and I feel like I'm pampering myself. Sending you a big hug and I'm rooting for you. Your situation may be difficult but I'm confident you will find relief soon. You are not far gone I promise.

 

Nancy, I've been thinking about you and your situation, and trying to figure out what else you can try. You've done many things for a long time, but still have TMS. I think the suggestions others have given you above are great. I'll just add a couple of others. It seems that you are "stuck" and for me, yoga works best to get me "unstuck". It combines both whole body movement and meditation. There are many good YouTube videos available for free. My favorite is Yoga with Adrienne.

Also, you mention your affinity for Steve Ozanich. I know he provides one on one TMS coaching. I don't know if you've reached out to him to explore that. It isn't cheap, but he has an approach that just may suit you well.

Wishing you better days ahead. Keep us informed how you're getting along.

 

I thank each and everyone of you for your caring, support, and taking the time to offer so many ways of dealing with the distress. I am trying to relax and take things alot easier on myself.This is progress for me thanks to all of you. I will get back to you often as my responsibilities in my home are great all day. Just wanted to Thank You all and will be back soon. Nancy.

 

Hi Nancy I am sorry to hear about all of your distress and suffering over such a long time. The previous replies you have received on this thread are amazing. Here's mine.

I relate to it on some levels as I had tms pain for over 20 years. I have recently had another short bout of it after a nasty fall. I was experiencing intense stress from a long term constantly triggering situation in my life. It was initially horrifying to me when I realised after about eight weeks post injury that I was in worse pain in my back and could that mean my brain pain was returning at full force. It was. It's gone now. It took me two weeks to return to a pain free state. I learnt that even though I had a successful recovery ten years ago I had fallen back into ignoring and numbing my feelings and emotions once again. I returned to this site and completed Alan Gordon's recovery programme. What helped me the most from that was the somatic tracking method. It helped me to tend to myself without judgement or any pressure to change anything that was happening for me but to just be present with whatever was happening in that moment. This was the most important support and comfort that calmed my nervous system and deeply validated the emotional pain. I would take a few minutes to go inwards and feel any outstanding sensations in my body and just be with it and try to open up to what it was telling me.

I also paid attention to my thoughts around the symptoms in order to catch anything discouraging and replace them with encouraging ones instead. I did not allow myself to monitor how much time was passing and changed the way I talked about my symptoms. I would not say I am in pain, instead I would say I'm in a state of fight or flight. I accepted the pain, experienced it as just a temporary sensation and got on with whatever I wanted to do.

For a long period of time before the fall I had been progressively setting healthy boundaries to improve my quality of life but not supporting myself enough through the emotions that that brought up for me. They felt too overwhelming and I pushed them away. That was why the somatic tracking helped resolve the pain because it provided a way to deeply validate my own emotions. I was not aware enough of how emotionally challenging it could be to set healthy boundaries and that I needed more self compassion through it.

I wish you courage and peace through this journey.

 

Thank you SO much for this excellent and insightful post! I can really use this advice!

 

That's interesting - I'm definitely going to take a look at that - glad you mentioned this as I'm getting more into Qi Gong.

 

I think it might have been you who posted a link to a UK Qi Gong online class or two. I use those regularly as well as a few other videos I can share if you'd like.

 

Great stuff - yes, please!

 

Truly thanking everyone for all of your great input. I am very, very depressed and feel this may be a huge reason for all of my discomfort. I was very traumatized too many times with very little support. I seem to blame myself and I don't know why. I wake up everyday only to go over and over all I could have/should have done differently. I know I have OCD but continually blame and fight with myself to get away from it. I am seeing a therapist and perhaps its helping but I feel like i'm losing hope. My oldest son has had a stroke which leaves me with guilt. I always asked him to please be sure he took his BP med but I knew he wasn't taking it regularly, hence Stroke. It was on the same day we found my husband together after his suicide a few yrs earlier. Again I blame myself because my sons were I belive were so angry with him and in turn showed their anger and pain directed at me. Please excuse my writings as with this depression my mind is slow and tired. I use to have a sense of self and now I just feel hopeless. I care for my oldest son in my home and it get's lonely after people don't stop by like they use to. I do have lots of friends but hide my troubles with most because I don't want to become a complainer. I also have my next Ca screening coming up next mth. So far 2 yrs free from Colon Ca! I get very nervous on top of everything that the Ca will pop it's ugly head again. Again, I am just venting and searching for support. Thank You for hearing me out. Hope you're lmproving quickly. Nancy

 

I have had my discomfort since 2005 and searched for many reasons, like many of you may have done also. it started as Plantar Fascitis which improved slowly. We were in the midst of a move and I fell walking my dogs on my butt. a few days later my feet were in extreme pain?? We were moving from N.J. to Asheville N.C. I was excited as were were having a new home built in the mountains. I knew in my gutt that I didn't want to move away from my sons but pressures there were building with family and are sons were adults. This may have been the trigger that started my pain. My back started to hurt once we moved and pain started down my r leg. I chalked it all up to the physical stress of moving. Long story short due to constant pressures coming from emergency phone calls from N.J. we sold and moved back. My spouse had little interest in what was going on with me and I was needing support so badly which is difficult to find when people can't actually see any injury. Dr's could find nothing. Again I will fast fwd to my husbands suicide which actually left me numb for mths but I needed to move as I knew I couldn't pay the mort alone. I moved to TN within 11 mths and bought a home near my brother and his family. I lived there for 5 yrs and decided to move home with the encouragement of my youngest son as they were starting a family and I wanted to be a Grandmom. Once I moved home my daughter in DIL made seeing the children very difficult. I flew home often to N.J. during this time. On one of the flights I actually used a w/c thru the airport. My return flight was smooth and the plane was almost empty. I read Dr Sarnos book for the 2 hr flight and here's the result. I got up to remove my upper carry on and started to move into the isle I noticed something very strange, I had NO PAIN. I had ordered a w/c/ and walked right by it smiling from ear to ear probably looking like a nut but I was so thrilled and also nervous constantly wondering if it would start again. As soon as I walked into the house there it was. I went straight to this sight and Steve Ozan wrote back within 2 days. He said Now you Know You Have Tms. I don't often get alot of time to write so please excuse my lack of punctuation. Just wanted to share that day. I am determined to get there again with all of you. Thank You for reading. Working on all suggestions offered. My discomfort now has spiked as my Dearest Friend is missinf in the awful hurricane in Asheville. God Bless them all.