Day 1 27 years old & having days where I don't want to live anymore

I just turned 27 years old and I have gotten to the point of having days where I just don't want to live anymore.

Onset was at age 12 of what I now know to be TMS. Memories of myself at age 12 sobbing into my mothers arms, asking her why everything hurt so much and why she couldn't do anything about it are coming back to me as of late. My "fibromyalgia" pain has always moved around over the years with good and bad days/weeks, but over the past 1-2 years I've reached points of such severity and I've been so miserable that life was slowly getting to the point of apathy about everything- my work, my art, my relationships. Now don't get me wrong, of course everything on the outside to the casual observer is peachy keen because I fit "Type A"-perfectionist-in control-makes everything better for everyone else-having it together always TO A T.

I discovered Healing Back Pain a couple weeks ago and have since read it once and just started reading it for a 2nd time, as well as watching the doc All the Rage 3x. Within the first few days of reading and watching the doc, as well as swimming 4 days in a row (which I definitely couldn't have done before), the current "attack" I was in subsided. Thrilled (!!) I hoped "Maybe this is the end. Dr Sarno has stories of people being cured immediately after reading the book". I kept telling myself "psychological not physical... there is no tissues damage... there is no inflammation..." Then a few days ago the pain came back- shifted slightly and less nerve, more muscle spasm. It's as if my mind said "Oh she's catching on, lets move it a little and try again."

It's amazing that if you haven't read the book for a few days, or you get busy with life how quickly you forget to stay in that mindset and when the pain comes back you start to doubt everything. I'm guessing this is normal, especially in the beginning. It's a battle of wills with some deep part of yourself and I want to find the right tools to win the battle. Which brought me to this forum and this homework assignment. I'm hopeful and I truly believe TMS is what I'm dealing with. They say it takes 21-66 days to break old habits and form new ones so I'm hoping for the discipline to stay on track and not let myself fall back into old habits and doubts. Fellow fighters, lets keep at it.

 

Welcome EllieBoo22,

I am glad you found this forum and Wiki!

I wish you patience in the process. The fact that your pain subsided as you were taking in Dr. Sarno's work, to me, is good evidence that you're learning down deep the truth of how and why you are in pain. This understanding goes deeper and deeper with time, and undoes the need for symptoms. And yet, it is rarely linear. So, like most of us here you'll learn to work more skillfully with doubt, fear, disappointment, patience ---and deepen your insight and guidance.

Andy B

 

EllieBoo22,

I'm so glad you have found this forum, we have so much support at our fingertips!

Plantar fasciitis was the symptom that first brought me to the forum, but looking back, I have had symptoms since childhood. Right now my toe is painful at times.

Claire Weekes wrote books about adrenaline and stress hormones and the symptoms they cause. She would say setbacks were not a bad thing, but are where we practice the things we are learning. This certainly isn't fun, but I am beginning, after years, to see the truth of this.

Meditation, journaling, and calmly being with and observing my pain without judgement is easier for me to do after recently rereading her books. A week ago I was doing somatic tracking (Alan Gordon) and actually felt the emotions behind the pain. This was a huge first for me.

All this to say, don't be discouraged about the up and down nature of healing. TMS healing, as Andy said, isn't linear and recognizing that can help stop the fear that feeds the symptoms. You are going to be well and will continue to learn how to take care of yourself so you can have peace that prevents symptoms.

Lizzy

 

Thanks so much for the advice and support Andy B! You're right, healing isn't linear and I know it's important to not hold my healing to my own high standards or expectations. Or worse, comparing my journey to someone else's. I think patience is the key here, that and confidence in the fact that I now know what is "wrong" and have a way to go about not only learning to manage or deal with the pain, but fully eradicate it.

 

Lizzy thank you so much for the support and sharing! That's a great way to look at setbacks- as practice. I teach actors sometimes and I always tell them when they get discouraged how they should crave what we consider "failing" in our work because how else would they ever learn and get better? Maybe it's time I listen to the advice I give others... ha! It sounds like you're making great progress yourself, congratulations on that I'm definitely going to look into the resources you listed. I'll gratefully take all the information and advice I can get!

 

Hey, with a title like that I had to reply. 11 yrs ago I was at a very hopeless point in my life as well. My goals/dreams in life were dashed on the rocks of pain. I didn't know if I'd ever live a normal life again. Learning about TMS changed my life. There is hope!! Make some connections here and keep learning. TMS is real. Don't lose hope.

 

Hi Ellie,

I recovered from 20 years of fibromyalgia about 4 years ago using TMS healing techniques. You can read my success story on my profile page or in the Success Stories sub-forum. Hopefully, it will give you hope that recovery is possible, and perhaps some of my tips will be helpful to you.

You are in the right place. Fibromyalgia is TMS. Recovery is possible. Just keep building on the positive experiences you have had so far. Be patient and persistent.

 

Thank you Enrique! The possibility of having a life without pain for the first time since I was 11 yrs old is bringing me so much hope for the future for the first time in my life. I will definitely continue to make connections here and I’m totally immersing myself in learning more and more about TMS. And of course, learning more and more about myself as well.

 

Thank you so much Ellen! I’m definitely excited to read your story. It feels so good to talk to people who have overcome fibromyalgia, a “condition” that I never thought in a million years could be overcome. I so appreciate the positivity and encouragement!