Day 1 A valid title

I'm recently aware that I do contain my feelings, and I am surprised that this morning I'm compassionate about this tendency.
I feel sadness and grief, and they are just at the surface. I've never been able to force the feelings out. But this morning I am blown away that I am letting up on pressuring myself .
Reading recovery stories helps. I am noticing that my mind quietly tells me, almost without my hearing it, that my body is fragile and weak and damaged and breakable. None of that is true. I've been to doctors and had tests that show that I have only normal wear and tear like what others with tms recovery stories describe. One doctor even told me that my symptoms are psychologically caused. Another, an orthoped, said that I wouldn't hurt so much if it were not for fibromyalgia. This confirms that the pain is a distraction.
It's hard to witness my habit of repressing feelings. I am recently aware that I have been repressing for a very long time, for decades. I guess I can't really demand myself to suddenly stop.
I've stopped pain relief treatments and only go for help for trauma like EMDR and neurofeedback and talk therapy at a sexual trauma clinic.
I'm as mindful as I can be about when I hold myself back from activities out of fear of pain, and when I notice that reticence, I do the activity.
I still cringe at feelings like rage and resentment but am making progress at not judging myself for them and for my selfish thoughts and traits. I sometimes recognize that my thoughts and feelings aren't harming anybody.
I don't know what it will be like to be all better. My life has been limited for a long time.
Thanks for reading .

 

Hi Fredric,

I feel relaxed and present as I read your entry. I think this is because there is so much expression of simple truth, and acceptance. Acceptance for instance about your habitual way of staying a little on the periphery of feelings, maybe. My own acceptance of my patterns, my living my experience moment-to-moment is so satisfying, regardless of the content. I can see the long-term work you're doing, and I see and feel the benefits.

Andy B

 

Your thoughts and feelings are all ok. You are ok. Please be kind to yourself and don't cringe at your thoughts and feelings. Try to let them out in a way that feels healing and safe for you. You deserve to feel them acknowledge them. They can't hurt you. I believe in your power to heal. You've got this!!!
I totally understand how hard it is to accept and face the feelings. Even when I know that I'm "blocked" and that there are thoughts and feelings in there that are causing this TMS I still can't get them out. I want to scream!
My daily journaling practice has helped a lot. 20 minutes of typing and not even looking at the screen. It has really allowed me to release some things that hae been inside that i couldn't access during daily life.
It's been very helpful in forgiving myself for past tendencies and emotions. I've spent a lot of time blaming myself like "girl how can you let yourself get to this bad place again - you know better? are you this emotionally messed up that you have to be crippled with TMS pain in order to deal with plain old feelings" But the journaling has helped me understand why i have these feelings and that some of it is not my fault. This is very freeing.
GOOD LUCK and keep at it. You can do this!!!!!!!!!
Best,
srton