Day 9 Abusing myself emotionally and thereby physcially

Q. Have you been overly critical of yourself lately? How and why have you done this?

Oh I have been soooo much critical of myself... even lately while I'm applying TMS healing techniques!
I've seen all three major types of abuses specified in the Alan Gordon's TMS Recovery Program: criticism, pressure, and fear. I've been consciously recognizing pressure and fear on myself, but self-criticism is rather under the surface.

I often put pressure on myself: "I'm not intellectual enough," "I'm not professional enough," "I'm too lazy and not passionate enough in my life," "I'm not recovering well because I'm not trying hard! I'm not desperate enough, right? I'm so lazy and stubborn," etc.... As Alan Gordon says, it is a motivation killer. It seems putting pressure on myself does motivate me to initiate something, but it doesn't help me continue the work. Then the cycle goes on and on...

Fear is one of the biggest self-abuses, too. My recent posts are mostly about lingering fear--whatever kinds of fear they are. "What if there is some physical side I've ignored or doctors have missed?" "Why is the pain coming back?" "Oh my gosh I'm anxious right now and this will definitely bring more pain sooner or later. I hate it!" <- This kind of "fear of fear" is the stupidest (Oops , self-criticism I guess?) and the worst. It's like a humongous seed for another pain cycle.

I think my self-criticism is mostly overlaying with self-pressure?
Oh there's some pure criticism, too: "I'm neither pretty nor attractive," "I'm fatty," "I try to act like a true goodist but I know I'm selfish inside. I'm such a hypocrite," etc.

I've abused myself emotionally in the ways above, and the accumulated emotional scars now creating physical symptoms (i.e., TMS pain) around my body.... I think it's all related to my somewhat perfectionist personality.

I found myself on Identify Source of Abuse section of TMS Recovery Program in the last sentence of the source list: "Or maybe your home life was relatively trauma-free, but you were bullied in 7th grade, went to an ultracompetitive high school, or your college [boyfriend] cheated on you." This is exactly me. Exactly. I was punched in the head when I first read this part. I always criticized myself to be in such situations. I thought I'd not be in such situations if I become "better." I think I unconsciously considered I deserved such events because I was not "good enough." Wow.... how harsh was I on myself!

Now that I'm recognizing my destructive patterns, what is the next step? How can I deal with the inner bully that has taken root deep inside for a long time?

 

Hi Seraphina
Sorry you are having such a hard time. You've made a big step by recognising the inner bully and how destructive it can be. I was (and still am sometimes) exactly the same. What I found helps was capture the thought and then treat yourself with a counter thought of compassion and kindness. So if you catch yourself thinking "I'm hopeless" think to yourself "I'm going through a really difficult time right now, I need to treat myself with kindness and love" or something that resonates with you. I found Kristen Neffs self compassion exercises helped me. Also think about what you'd say to someone else to comfort them and then say it to yourself. Takes a bit of time to get used to it especially when you have been harsh to yourself for a long time but worth a try. I hope this helps a bit.

 

I like Ellen's suggestions for dealing with the inner bully.
One way to feel better about yourself is to do something nice for someone else.
A note, an email, a phone call to someone you may not have been in touch with for a while can work wonders.
If you have a dollar or five you can spare, put it in an envelope and send it to some charity. It will make you feel good.

But even without helping someone else, tell your inner bully to go fly a kite. You know you're a good person and have
been doing the best you can. That's all anyone including the Lord asks of us.