Acceptance & Neck Spasm, Stammer

I keep on having doubts regarding TMS. I keep on vacillating between between physical and TMS. I am not sure if I am on the right way. But I feel acceptance seems to be the key. Acceptance needs to be seen in different light rather than failure or giving up.

The whole series of decade of neck spasm and decade of stammer before that -I feel its seeds were sown from inability to accept when stammer began for the first time. When I became aware of my stammering in my childhood - I didn't like myself, I couldn't accept that because I felt I was broken and how could I live with such a problem that anyone can see within few seconds of meeting me! I need to fix that at any cost. There began the seed of forever fighting the demon(stammer) which I could never win over in decades to come. You slay the Hydra - it comes back with more heads! The never ending fight.

Then, poof, magically the Stammer vanished! Then came Neck spasm. The same urgency to fix - It might be late I need to get on with doc, medicine and get this fixed ASAP. The same fear of how can I live with this problem? The same fight. The same Hydra with different flavor.

It seems like we focus on symptom but forget about the context. Maybe that is TMS. When stammer began - it wasn't about speaking. It was way to protect myself given the situation of fear, poverty and dissatisfaction in regards to family, home. When neck spasm began - it wasn't about the neck. It was about inability to accept current situation of financial, social, family hardships and my inability to change that or myself - stammer. I felt I should have done this, this and reached here and there but unable to do anything!

The interesting thing during all of stammering, I felt I was hiding it from everyone but later I learned - everyone around me knew. I felt shocked - it felt that I was only hiding stammer from myself. For neck pain - I was managing well but I came to realize I had become brooding, angry, sharp, vengeful, negative due to pain. Everyone around me felt except me. Weird.

If it was known to everyone, whom was I trying to hide from? And everyone were fine with it? Why was I the only one not fine with it? Why didn't I accept this? Why couldn't I accept? I wanted perfection. Acceptance for me was failure, giving up. Accepting stammer meant I was broken, not normal and had to be in that poor shameful family, social, financial situation forever. Accepting neck spasm meant - I was unable to change my situation, I wasn't good enough, I couldn't do anything and I have to live my life in poverty. I simply was failure. Then came comparison with others and more dissatisfaction.

Weirdly enough, I came to see acceptance is not failure. Accepting is not giving up. Accepting is simply seeing what is. Accepting is coming to terms with what IS right now and realizing it couldn't be any other way. This still feels weird to me as I write this.

Just because I resist, detest or fight - what IS right now won't change. More weirdly, if I start fighting - the doors to seeing context of what IS just closes - you become blind to yourself . The access to context, details of the situation is closed - now you only have is never ending fight, only access to never ending symptoms. Weird!

The natural consequence of Acceptance is peace - peace with what IS. As a bonus reward - you get access to context and detail of what IS right in-front of you - This highly increases probability of fixing or changing what IS or realizing nothing needs to done! If I had access to context - the stammer or neck spasm would have been resolved or it wouldn't have started in first place - there wouldn't be need for stammer, neck spasm when there was acceptance & peace.

I feel in me that all this started with inability to accept and continuous fight to fix and resolve. Had I accepted it - all this would have never started. But coming back to today, I have neck spasm - it clearly means I am in need of that due to inability to accept myself or any on going situation or simply habit of not accepting.