Day 5 Age 5

When I was ___five______ years old I was forced to take care of my mother event/experience happened. I FEEL this way about it:

This was a period where my mother would often cry and accuse my father and I of not helping enough. She had a great deal of responsibility then including going to school and raising me but I did not feel that I needed her taking care of me if I would have to deal with this crying and feeling guilty. One time I remember my mother crying in her bedroom and my father telling me to go in there by myself and tell her that I would do more to help. He said that if I didn't do it he wouldn't be there for me when I needed him.
I hated going in there and both of them making this my responsibility. I decided then that that if I never asked them for anything then I wouldn't have to feel guilty.
I feel let down by both of them. They both took the person that was weakest and pushed off their emotional problems onto them (me). My father didn't want to deal with her emotions so he had me do it. She couldn't get what she needed from my father so she blamed me.

I know that I'm supposed to write for fifteen minutes but I don't have anything else to say and I don't feel much. I felt a little bit when I was saying I was let down but that's faded and I only feel sleepy again. They screwed up. My father now feels bad about it and my mother continues to deny responsibility. It's good to have a relationship with him and I can't change her.

 

I think most parents must realise that they have messed up their kids! It only takes a little introspection to see when you have neglected your kids emotionally or have failed them in some way. Then with divorce, people so busy with work and people moving a lot more - there's a lot that can mess up a kids emotions. So most parents probably feel guilt in some form or amount. It is finding a way to recognise the hurt your parents have caused and deal with it - without building resentfulness up. I am trying to to keep in mind that my parents are only people, they made some bad decisions, that impacted badly upon me, but that they did not set out to hurt me. They either thought they were doing the right thing. Or they just didn't think at all. I still love them, but I recognise their bad decisions, and I will in time forgive them for that. It is probably one of the hardest parts of the TMS 'work' as we are so 'close' to our parents - in that they are our primary care givers when we are at such a vulnerable age.
Perhaps it might be helpful for you to write about feeling 'let down'. There may be times in life where that pattern your parents set up is repeated. You may find more emotion there - perhaps the parent thing is still too painful to actually feel? Or maybe it made you feel so detached from them that you cut them off emotionally? Just do whatever YOU feel is best. This whole programme is about getting in touch with ourselves and ensuring that we overcome the stresses that life has dealt us, so we can live freely, without pain - and with happiness...

 

Jo,
I don't know if the reason that I'm not feeling it is that it's too painful but that seems like a reasonable guess. Or that it's too scary- that I end up getting rejected when I try and express it.
I don't think I have too much patience with the line that they thought they were doing the right thing- I've heard it so many times. I told her over and over that she was hurting me and the more I spoke on it the more she tried to shut me down- until I stopped speaking about it and then eventually stopped emoting. She hurt me because she couldn't hurt my dad.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean that your parents thought they were doing the right thing - just parents in general. I know my mum thought that it was the right decision to move away and not let my dad know where I was when they divorced, but for me it was horrendous. 40 years later she concedes that it might have been wrong. But she still encouraged other people in similar situations to 'break all ties' - so on some level she must still think it right! It creates a real quandary, when we discover all the rage, bitterness and resentment bottled up inside - partly I would like to vent it out directly at both my parents (altho' my dad's dead - so that'd be hard!) but most of me wants to stay on good terms with my mum and not upset her. So I have to find other ways of expressing all that negative stuff - not let it make me ill!

 

Jo,
Thanks for the clarification. I don't have too many answers as far as experiencing the rage let alone directing it. I have found playing sports can be useful.
I'd say an apology like "might have been wrong" doesn't provide much healing. My mother did one like that (about 17 years late) and it didn't feel like much. I've broken off communication with her and I've found that it's been a positive, healing development for me- although not easy and I get a lot of pressure from family.