Day 1 Am I the only one like this…?

My whole life has been pain even before I was in pain. At 11 years old I developed severe anxiety out of the blue it was when I started secondary school (high school for those in the states) I don’t know how it came about but it did. I was extremely scared of people and I don’t know why I was huge for a kid my age somewhere around 5-7 so didn’t think I’d run in to any problems. But because of my anxiety I avoided talking to anyone I was always looking through my peripheral vision when walking past people at a corridor and noticing there voices getting quiet and then assuming they’re talking about me and making Fun out of me or that they’re going to say something and become confrontational forcing me in to a situation where in my mind I have to fight them for my honour or respect or whatever I had such a stupid mentality and I still do. My anxiety followed me my whole life throughout school in fact it got so bad that when a confrontation did occur I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself that I left school and ended up in a place for kids with anxiety but here’s the thing I didn’t believe I had anxiety or maybe I did and I lied to myself to make myself feel better because I wasn’t allowed to be weak I wasn’t allowed to be soft I had to be stronger and better than everyone. This facility did nothing to help anxiety it was just a way to shelter highly anxious kids and ironically make them even more anxious when they left. The same thing happened in college (not like American college a lot less sophisticated and smaller.) I couldn’t socialise with people even when I tried I just had constant anxiety and it would spike at the smallest things it’s so bad my heart is always palpitating and I’m always sweating. But when I couldn’t deal with minor teasing or was to afraid to engage in social interaction or was to scared to be around people because they might say something mean I ended up drinking and ditching class. I was doing it almost everyday I was an alcoholic at 16. This continued till I was around 17 and I had been caught drinking in my culture and religion drinking is one of the worst things you can do it’s a shameful thing to be caught with especially so openly. I quit I tried to keep working but I hated my job I hated my life I was lost and didn’t know what to do I quit working and lazed around doing kitting absolutely nothing for 6 months straight I was waking up whenever I wanted eating crappy food and hating life was always getting shouted at by my dad I don’t blame him and just being an overall mess. This is the part where everything changed this is where life really taught me a lesson. I’ve narrated this story a a hundred times at this point but after this I don’t want to ever talk about it again I’m sick of it.
I decided I should start exercising I always loved the gym as being strong was something I had naturally. I started training hard lifting heavy I was making good progress getting nice and strong but slowly I started developing tightness in my lower back from deadlifting this just angered me and I decided to push through after a while my lower back got so tight from deadlifting I finally gave in I stopped squatting and doing any lower body movements the fear already set in my knees where a wreck as-well I still have popping tendons in my left knee. I continued to do upper body compound movements bench press shoulder press etc this caused cracking and popping in my sternum and a deep sharp dulling pain within it my entire collar bone developed sharp stabbing pain aswell that went it my chest it feels like someone digging their fingers in the fleshy part between your collarbones and hanging off their putting all the pressure they can in there. After I realised I was in some serious pain I did the typical thing anyone does and see a doctor then it was a Chiro a physio a massage therapist what’s crazy is all of these things made me worse and have had lasting effect stretching is now painful to do areas of my body are in pain they just make no sense not even physios can understand why certain areas are experiencing pain because they’ve never dealt with something so stupidly bizzare. My whole body is a tight sharp and weak mess. This is a very long post and I’m sorry but I need to get it all out one time because I’m not going to again. I’m following the structured programme because I feel following something would Benefit me better than doing it my own way I’d rather be told what to do. I do have doubt but I think that’s normal I still think my pain is a psychological response because of everything that’s happened in my life especially as a result of extreme anxiety frustration anger sadness not knowing how to express myself I haven’t changed much but I have matured and I am more hopeful than I was a year ago. Some worries I have are due to not seeing many stories like mine in fact I haven’t seen one story about extreme muscle tightness like mine it’s all over body pain maybe I’m an extreme case. Another thing is my wrists have become extremely weak and they click when I pinch and flex them not only does this hurt a lot but this actually causes a real physical reaction you can see if I continue to do it within an hour my hand will become extremely bruised and discoloured it makes me think how can tms therapy fix something like that that you can literally see. I’d appreciate any advice and tips that you could share to help me in this journey
thank you.

 

Welcome, Gamma! I am rather new here as well. I am so sorry for what you're going through! I experience and have for a long time muscle tightness which results in pain and provokes more pain.
I am sure you will benefit from this forum. Everyone is so helpful and kind.
I agree about your pain being psychological due to your past. I *know* mine is. So that's a good start that you *know* this in your very being. I will learn along with you!
Best wishes,
Peggy

 

Thanks Peggy it’s reassuring to know someone else understands my pain, hopefully both of us can get through this.

 

You bet we can! (as I'm sitting here on a heating pad for my back spasm) Even though I am in pain now, I know this "too will pass".
Please keep us posted on what you are doing on your journey. You have no idea how many you will give comfort to!

 

I definitely will despite my doubts I still have hope thank you and good luck!

 

I think 'doubting' is not uncommon. I believe I am having this pain because I am not there yet. We can do this. You are not alone!