An admission

You know what? I'm angry.

This is absolutely not something I would have admitted to, before discovering TMS. I am very much the typical TMS personality, a goodist, perfectionist, stoic. I can't recall more than a few times in my entire life that I've even felt, let alone expressed, anger, so this is very unfamiliar territory for me. Maybe it's because I'm anonymous here, or because I know you all will get it. But it's a huge leap to me actually feel and then express that I'm pissed.

I'm angry that this illness has debilitated me for the last two months (not to mention the year and a half of symptoms before). I'm angry about other things too - I won't list the litany of my symptoms and how they affect me here, as I don't think it's going to help me or any of you - but today I've decided I'm letting it out rather than bottling it in. This is a big step for me.

What's interesting is that I am usually pretty consumed with fear/ anxiety. But today, being angry and giving expression to that, I don't feel afraid. I feel almost that fear is an internalised expression; anger is the externalised version of the same emotion. Can anyone else relate? How do you express your anger when it rises?

 

I was watching the excellent documentary Won't You Be My Neighbor? and was stunned to remember that one of the world's most mild-mannered people, Fred Rogers, understood the importance of acknowledging and/or expressing anger. I can't find the clip of him talking about "stomping" but I did find this gem: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=75&v=4AtLIJjEbh4&feature=emb_logo (Mister Rogers - Master the mad that you feel)

 

As an Aussie I (sadly!) didn't grow up with Mr Rogers, but every time I see a clip I think how special he was! Thanks for sharing

 

I reckon this. I have always said to myself and others I never get angry. I'm such a calm person.. Yeah right, lol.

Since I have admitted I am really angry on the inside, I noticed that - slowly - my anger comes to the surface. And since then I have also experienced feelings of intense rage during the night. It feels overwhelming, sometimes a bit scary. It's like an erupting volcano. I try to lean in to it and then it usually fades away again.

 

Yes. In the past I can honestly say I NEVER felt angry. Amazing upon reflection. Then I passed through a short-fuse period of incandescent anger (which was partly due to epic stress, toxic in-laws, and finally the glorious moment of being in touch with how I felt).

Now, I’m more balanced. When anger flares I express it (if not at the time it usually boils over into increased symptoms and histrionics, classic TMS theory). The expression is momentary and liberating. Not pretty or perfect but much, much better than the helplessness of trying to control how I feel and how to react, coupled with the futility of trying to control life and other people. That way madness lies.