Day 2 Anger and Sadness

The assignment today is to list three things that make me angry, and three things that make me sad.

... just three? Lol, I can think of like a dozen, easy.

I guess I'll stick to the top few each. I'll also elaborate on each a little.

ANGER:
1. Broken Promises. I feel like I have been lied to and let down innumerable times in my life. I was bullied terribly as a kid, had an emotionally stressful home environment, was in a high-demand religion (Mormonism), and started having profound depression by the age of 10. Meanwhile, I was trying SO HARD to fix my life - I thought that maybe if I got straight As, dressed like the popular girl, was talented, and basically just did everything right that things would get better. They didn't. Later, "god" had promised me marriage, kids, health, educational success, job stability, financial security, and more. Again, I did EVERYTHING right to earn those blessings... and was let down. I never got married, I don't have kids (which is fine), I continued to have a lot of mental and physical ailments, I struggled severely to get through college and grad school, my employment experience has been very unlucky, I've gone through bankruptcy, etc. God did not provide after I believed, prayed, read my scriptures, paid tithing, went to church, attended activities, and basically poured my heart and soul into it. He never saved the day when I needed him. Right now I don't believe in any external concept of God (how could I??), but I am still angry at the struggle and perpetual disappointment, if not at "god" himself.

2. People doubting me. Few things "trigger" my anger like someone dismissively telling me that I'm unqualified or don't know what I'm talking about, especially with respect to my career as a PA. I worked hard to get through school. I got the highest possible score on the certification exam. I have been doing this for 10 years. I know my shit. I don't know why I feel so upset when people mock me in that way, but it's one of the few times I'm tempted to engage in physical violence.

3. MY F*ING MIGRAINES.
As I stated in my previous post, these damn migraines have taken SO MUCH from me. My career, my hobbies, my friendships, MY JOY. I have undergone a bazillion tests. Tried innumerable standard and alternative treatments, and had no (lasting) success. (For six AMAZING months in 2019, Ajovy basically cured me. It was sooooooo wonderful to have my life back! ... and then it stopped working.) I'm incredibly angry to be so incapacitated by the migraines where there is so much more I want to do with my life. Sometimes I want to scream and beat the hell out of something, but I never do.

And onto SADNESS:
1. The fact that people I love see me as being "less-than." Because many in my family are still faithful Mormons, they really value marriage and raising a billion kids. To them, that is the purpose of adulthood, so me being a single cat lady with a career makes me like a perpetual teenager in their minds. How could I *really* understand life and the universe without a litter of kids?? To them, I'll never have "that level" of maturity. I know that just because my path is different, I am not inferior... but it makes me really sad to be perceived as selfish and immature when I'm 37 years old and have been through a lot.

2. Me not living up to my ideal. I have struggled with weight and body image issues since I was a teenager. When I was younger, I dealt with a couple significant spells of eating disorders - losing 100+ pounds in a few months. Bones sticking out everywhere. Vomiting up dinner when social pressures required me to eat. It was so unpleasant. Now, I struggle to keep my weight in check... even after gastric sleeve surgery just 2 years ago. I initially lost a lot of weight, but regained 40 pounds when the migraines ramped up again. Incredibly disappointing.

3. Recent losses. In the last year, I've lost my dad and my cat. My dad was only 62 when he died of lung and stomach cancers last fall. Our relationship had ups and downs for a variety of reasons, but I regret not being much closer with him for much longer. Now he's gone, and I don't know how to comfort my stepmom, his grieving widow. I don't even know how I feel about this much of the time. Am I ok? Am I just suppressing it? I'm honestly not sure. As per the cat: For almost 20 years, my sweetest cat, Spike, was always by my side. He was so clingy and so affectionate. We moved together thirteen times. I adored him. He worshipped me. Unfortunately, he passed in April, and although I've adopted other cats, they aren't like him, and I still miss him dearly. On some levels, he was my true love. My soulmate. Not just an animal, not just a pet. He really was my heart and soul... and I'm lonely without him.


Welp, this was a pile of negativity... but that was the assignment. There you go - things that make me angry, things that make me sad. It's a lot. I see that. I know that. But that's the human experience, right? We all have stories and quirks. These are some of mine.

 

Wow, you got to start getting this shit out. Your anger is very obvious in your writing. Still, you need to pump the level up way further in your personal journaling that no one sees. You seemed to have gone through soooo much, I would have been a fucking raging wreck!!

I mean, I have a bad week at work, just pissed off at how people are self-centered etc. and I end up screaming into a pillow and punching the shit out of a pillow while fantasizing. And then cry...

It sounds like you have done so much based on what is expected from you, and had a lot of bad luck. But what do YOU want in your heart? Do you stand up to people when they doubt you? (and I don't mean physical violence... however tempting)

My guess is your rage is the most important thing here. Release it (not on others..)