Anger

Thoughts I’ve had recently about anger. Can anyone relate to any of these?

#1–I’m pretty sure I avoid my feelings by playing games on my phone. (I wondered why sometimes I can’t stop myself from playing by the hour.) And the number one feeling I avoid is anger. (Now, I have to fix this.)

#2–What really infuriates me is when someone “negates” me by disrespecting me. It’s like they’re saying I’m nothing. I don’t count. Like recently, when my narcissist sister ignored my boundaries, or my son didn’t acknowledge a birthday gift I gave him.

#3– I never feel comfortable acting out my anger, even on paper, but I found a brand new way that actually works for me! You draw a stick figure of the person that’s making you angry; and then you draw one for yourself doing things to the other person. (Remember, this is your internal childlike self doing these things.) Then you make little bubbles like a comic book, saying what you would like to say to the person. I did it for my sister. (She’s one of my top reasons I get symptoms.)

Little by little I’m getting better. I can’t allow myself to stuff anger anymore. It’s like drinking poison. I still feel guilty for my angry feelings, though. I feel guilty for expressing them— but at least I AM now expressing them. And I can feel angry, at all. Before, I couldn’t. I noticed that feeling my anger totally correlates to my symptoms NOT flaring.

 

Diana, have you watched Sam's video on coping mechanisms on the Mindful Gardener channel? I thought it was really helpful. Her technique for pausing and feeling the feeling you're seeking to avoid before using the coping mechanism has been helping me. (And you don't have to stop playing games in order to use this technique!)

 

No! I’ll look for it. Whew! I really love my games.

 

#1 Yep, I've played patience (solitaire) over and over like that. I found, in my case, it was to 'numb' myself and give myself a break from life's 'challenges'.
#2 Yep, (not a son, but another relative) and I never gave them a gift again. I appreciate though that it's so much more difficult when it's your adult child, but no one's too busy to send at least a quick text message to say 'thanks for the gift and for thinking of me'.
#3 Stick people - I like it and will use it - it'll make a change from 'killing with carrots'!

 

That is what it actually feels like. Maybe I do it when I’m just overwhelmed. (And I’m always overwhelmed lol!)

This has been going on for years. He didn’t used to be like this; I have no idea what’s going on with it. My husband said let’s not give him a present this year. I said no, I want to do it for me. And then instantly I regretted it so yes, I’ve taken note. You have to stop hitting your own self in the head—At some point.


Stick figure comics for anger relief: Killing with carrots inspired this. But I couldn’t believe how satisfying it was!

 

"Like recently, when my narcissist sister ignored my boundaries"

This is one place you can absolutely work on and soften that feeling of people running all over you.

1). Pull up the door mat to your front door. No longer needed. You will no longer tolerate feeling like a door mat. Notice that this doesn't mean people won't attempt to treat you like one. It means you are going to change how you perceive how people are treating you and choose where to place your emotional energy about this over time.

2) boundaries are for you. They are not for the other person to follow. You can't control the other person, you can only control you. What did you do when your sister ignored your boundaries? You can choose to just not worry about it. That's OK - and just sit there with those feelings for a bit and then do #1 - just stop thinking about it. Let those old thoughts float on by. Or #2 you can take action. Remove yourself from a conversation, stop future conversations or contact, take control of the narrative and abruptly change the subject, offer a non-committal response that doesn't incite any more conversation from your end about said subject "something to think about" when pressed repeat "something to think about" and just keep repeating the same thing - until you can answer "I don't have anything more to say about that". If it's brought up again, at another date, repeat the same scenario. Notice that you never said "That is something for ME to think about" - so when the time comes to say NO it was never about you, personally I wrote a list of responses similar to this and memorized them. They come in handy and yes, it annoys the absolute crap out of people who are trying to get your goat or back you into a corner, but it preserves your truth and keeps your boundaries.

 

Yes! I’m already almost no contact with my sister. And very limited engagement with my son. This has definitely eliminated the doormat feeling. The boundary she broke is complicated, but it involves trying to visit me through my kids. I just shut it down. I felt calm. And then, later angry. I think even when you know what’s happening, and you don’t tolerate it, you have to go ahead and let the anger flow through you. But it’s much more short-lived when you understand what’s happening. When I first came on the forum, I didn’t even know what narcissism was! I just realized a core feeling that really triggers anger for me, and it’s when I am invisible to someone. It goes back to childhood. That’s why the trigger is so intense.

“choose where to place your emotional energy about this over time.”
I like this!

 

Something that popped into my head is that if you can't bring yourself not to give him a gift, perhaps consider making it one where you send him a gift card that has to spent on a charity website where they sell a selection of brand new goods, clothing etc... That way if he doesn't redeem it, the money has gone to a good cause and if he does redeem it, at least some of the money will go to that cause (and I see that in the US such a donation would probably be tax deductible to you as the giver)... or you could even decide to make a charity donation where he doesn't actually receive a physical gift, instead he gets a birthday card telling him that you 'adopted' an endangered species of wild animal 'on his behalf' (i.e. you'd be making a one off payment towards its conservation) or perhaps the donation would go towards the upkeep of a child/children in need or towards a project that brings water to a village in a poor country or to a medical charity where they save people's sight or whatever.

 

Love this idea! Thanks!

 

My question is do you know why you are angry and why theae people keep annoying you?
Why do they bother you so much?

And then can you find a new pwrsoective on things.

Let the anger be heard but then move into your power.

 

I think @Cactusflower response is spot on. Only when we take full responsibility for our own happiness and peace of mind are we empowered to change things. As adults we get triggered by old childhood wounds, but we can choose to respond as adults. Yes, we need to acknowledge when this happens and feel the emotions, but then use our more rational, logical adult brains to formulate a response, which can often just be letting things go.

 

Ouch. That hurt reading. That is probably the fulcrum point of your problem. Y'all need to get out a Hammer and beat the shit out of that idea....
The more you can deal with that, the more comfortable you'll be in the rest of your life....
I have had two females read my journal.....That was rage inducing, BUT I wouldn't stop writing just because of that. i have started doing what @JanAtheCPA says ...I'll write down some vicious stuff...and them toss it. The writing down is what matters. It's even better if I can go act it our somewhere...like in my car driving alone.
I realized I don't even get angry at Home because I don't want to scare my dog Sophie (she did NOT like Men when I got her...something must have happened...didn't let me pet her for weeks)
You don't let it out? It's just gonna go and camp in your elbow or your back or something.
You also need to let it out because it's like being massively emotionally constipated...there is probably a lot more crap up there to take it's place!
Sorry for the metaphor but its accurate

 

Been a while since I have chinned in here, hope everyone is doing well.

be careful going down the rabbit hole of why you are angry and trying to get it out on paper. Most of the anger Dr sarno talked about is unconscious hence it’s hard to be aware of it and then it becomes an obsession. Hence looking for ways you are triggered is tmsing.

I know some guys who are very angry people and have no problem expressing it yet they still have back pain problems…. It really boils down to why you get angry. Most of it is the separation anxiety and not being loved. The relationships you have with yourself and others. But as Ellen said it’s key to take our responsibility for our happiness.

 

Diana, I had a lot of bottled-up anger towards people in my past life, and it was boiling inside me all the time. Until I realized that forgiveness is not about me giving them permission to insult me, it is about me giving myself permission to let go. Especially after I realized that some of those people were already dead, but I was still chewing on my hurt feelings! That realization lifted an enormous weight off my chest. We can only use our past experiences to prepare ourselves to set boundaries in future conflicts, just like @Cactusflower suggests, but using them to trigger ourselves all the time is counterproductive and damaging to us in the first place. If anger rises in you again, never shove it under the rug of subconsciousness; instead, feel it dispersing through the physical sensations in the body. For me, anger oozes down my neck and upper back, and then fades away. Try to find your own sensations and watch it go away. Takes practice, but it works.