Alan G. Anxiety and Rage

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Question

I have a great deal of anxiety from growing up with an alcoholic, raging mother and then living with an alcoholic raging husband (who got sober after 15 years). If someone gets angry, I freeze up with anxiety. I've had quite a bit of success writing about my rage at my mother and my husband. I'm wondering if you can tell me something about anxiety and how to explore it. Is it actually repressed rage? Both these people bullied me so I'm wondering if my anxiety is rage in disguise. Or should I actually address the anxiety itself?

 

Answer

Anxiety can be a defense mechanism keeping you from feelings, or it can be a normal response to a dangerous situation. It sounds like when you were a kid, you would have anxiety as a response to a raging mother. This was the appropriate response. There was a dangerous situation and your body went into a state of fight or flight as a result.

What you seem to be experiencing now is a form of post traumatic stress. Everyone has this to some degree, since we've all experienced trauma, either major or minor.

Time does not exist in the right hemisphere of the brain, so when someone gets angry, your primitive brain is right back in your childhood thinking it's in danger once again.

I'm sure there is some rage in response to this past treatment, but one tactic you may want to take is working with your primitive brain to assure it that it's safe now; that the real danger of your childhood is no longer a threat.

Your primitive brain is like a rescue dog. Even though the dog is in a new home with a loving family, for the first several years it still jumps every time the door slams. Over time, the dog learns that it's safe and is no longer in that dangerous situation.

Spend time with your primitive brain as if it's a scared child (because it is.) You can do this when things are peaceful and also during times when you feel anxious. The goal is to teach this part of you that she's safe now.

Here's an 8 minute segment of a session I did with Mandi exemplifying this concept:
https://soundcloud.com/alantgordon/mp3e-mandi

Alan

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Alan,

Thanks so much for posting this. I can certainly relate to the person you were speaking to. I also grew up in a household where I didn't feel safe. I am going to try and learn soothe myself the same way you described in the podcast.

-ikreim2

 

Dr. Gordon's reply struck a note with me.
My darling dog Annie is 13 now. I got her when she was abandoned as a puppy.
It took her about two months of being as close to me as she could get,
then she looked at me with eyes that told me she was saying
"Oh, I get it now. This is my new permanent home and you love me
and are going to keep me."

Feelings of abandonment can take a long time to go away.