Day 8 Anxiety and the terrors

It has been a whopper of a week. I threw myself into this work with my usual dedication. But things quickly started spiraling. By day three the pain was very bad and I was crying on my wife's shoulder about not wanting to live. What was really not helping was the high levels of anxiety this work brought on. I have had to take benzos three times to calm me down. I'm prepared to be a basket case for a while if that's what I need to do. There has been some minor improvement of my worse symptoms, stomach, pelvic, leg and foot pain. I'm not overly concerned about miracle cures. It is clear to me that I've been welding shut my feelings and frustrations for decades while I present a polite and civil face to the world. I always had to be in control. i was the only one that could do things right. etc. There have been many crushing disappointments. People have behaved very badly. The government hounded me with audits. Investments have vanished. I've lived in fear of things getting worse but the only thing that actually did get worse was my own pain. For decades I wished I could have a good cry and now it's friggin' Niagra Falls.

I've been through therapy before but I never really grasped what the therapy was about. Now I understand why I was always asked 'how did that make you feel?' I never understood what therapists meant by 'processing'. I think I do now. Part of me always felt that therapy was a kind of a joke. How could getting in touch with emotions possibly do any good? It was like some sort of flaky Bob Newhart sitcom. But now I am in the thick of it much more intensely than I ever was with a therapist. I am looking into doing some mind body sessions using Skype with someone familiar with Dr. Sarnos' work. Both my wife and I are out of work and we have a son so we must weigh any decisions to spend money we don't have carefully.

So for now I'm here with you all in this extraordinary little community. Thanks for listening.

 

I agree that my response may not be a good indicator. Like I said I've been in therapy before so I'm not crazy about reliving past traumas yet again. This time I am focusing more on drawing the line between my symptoms and my deep seated need to present the appearance of control. I will ease up on the intense journaling and 'think psychological' for the next week. There is not much point in driving my anxieties through the roof on top of everything else.

I will re-read those links, thanks.