Asking for ideas as to how I can stop being angry with and fearful of my brain

Recently, I experienced a severely painful debilitating muscle spasm that has made it difficult to move, let alone walk. In relation to this, I have come so far on my TMS journey that I no longer think that this kind of thing is anything other than TMS. (And accordingly my TMSing brain is releasing its grip and reducing the debilitating pain and stiffness, very gradually.)

However, what I recognise is that with such episodes I am angry at my brain for trying to stop me from doing what I want and/or need to do... and I am also fearful of it acting up when I need to do something that it doesn't want me to do and stopping me from doing it by crippling me up so much that I can't physically move or weight-bear without excruciating pain. (My brain has done this to me numerous times before in the past. I have had periods of being bed ridden for months on end.)

For instance, I definitely need surgery (for something that is definitely not TMS) but my brain is fighting me with symptoms in order to try to stop me from going through the process towards getting the surgery (and presumably from experiencing the inevitable pain and discomfort of the surgery and in the recovery period). I am aware of the risks of the surgery, as all surgery comes with it and I don't feel consciously overly concerned about having the procedure. However, my brain is acting up and this makes me fearful of my brain and angry at it, but recognising that fear and anger hasn't helped with the situation at all, even though recognition is supposed to stop the brain in its tracks.

I know my TMSing brain is me and essentially I'm angry with and fearful of me, but other than talking to my brain and telling it I'm going to be in safe hands, rationalising with it and soothing myself with slow breathing etc., I feel powerless against its mighty ability to make me unable to leave the house and do what I need to do. This TMS mechanism just doesn't care that without the surgery there will be inevitable dire consequences for me health-wise probably in the near future, but certainly in the long-term.

So I'm asking for ideas of what I can do about this - what has worked for you? Thank you in advance!

 

@BloodMoon
You are usually the one counseling on this very thing! That’s what makes me realize that this has really got you down. But I’m sure it’s only temporary because you know so much and you’ve come so far— You’ll pull out of this.

Off the top of my head I’m thinking of your baby step strategy. Just walk your way out of this with baby steps. Literally, Keep walking, no matter what —and increase the amount every day. Giving in to it is what always makes things worse.

Maybe you could write a letter to your child self, reassuring her about the surgery. Unfortunately, surgery is pretty unsettling for most people and it’s not something we do every day— So it’s just one of those things you have to push through with grit to get it over with. I would journal up a storm: All the things you’re mad about and just keep writing about them maybe even in an ugly way with some cuss words. How angry you are that you have to have surgery. How angry you are that you’re even having to think about being bedridden again. Maybe how angry you are that you are aging and that you have anything wrong with you medically. You know, all the old topics. (I think it makes it more miserable to think that if you “just figure out what it is,” the new symptom will go away. So far, I’ve only noticed that works for some people; not everyone.) But either way, journaling does help.

And you know one last thing— Some of my most recent success has come from literally yelling out loud at my brain. Just yelling at it and telling it it’s not in charge, it doesn’t get to pick. You know what’s happening —you’re making the right decisions— you will take it from here.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this misery right now! You’re so strong, though. I know you’ll get over this hump. It might be a rocky road before the surgery, but you’ll be smooth sailing afterwards. Just tell your brain, “I’m getting the surgery even if I have to go in a wheelchair —so stop!”

 

Thanks, Diana.

Yep, I think you're right - I've got to go to town on getting angry with my brain. I think I'm not expressing it enough.

 

@BloodMoon
One thing my mental health therapist and tms coach have highlighted to me is the ability to be creative and open to experimenting with things when our old standby to get out of flares, isn't working.

Try hollering at the brain, being firm and working through it as best as possible.
Try kindness and compassion: I know you are fearful and protective, but I need help understanding why you need to have this symptom? (perhaps journal on that, if you haven't?)

Notice if you feel you "fight" yourself in these situations. I found that was something that was hard for me to wrap my head around, but its the heart of kindness and compassion for yourself. We think of "giving in" as a failure, but what if that narrative changed? Or you expressed this anger in a way that your mind is more opt to listen to eg. "I AM IN CONTROL, I'm willing to listen to your concerns but I won't let you hold me back mentally and emotionally."

I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. It's a stressful time for many and it's hard to pinpoint some of the stressors because there are so many existential threats in the world right now on top of our own internal personal stressors.

 

Thank you, @Cactusflower! I'm going to use all you suggest and see what will break this 'stand off'. I was immediately particularly drawn to what you say here, so I've already started...

 

I like this @Cactusflower 's therapist approach. Adaptation is always very good.

The thing is, symptoms will occurr and our mind will react right? The amygdala will send the fastest emotional response, the anxiety kicks in, we get frustrated and so on... so how to cope with the shitshow?
Sarno (and also Schubiner) said between fear and anger, go with the later.

When I'm like this I tell my TMS mind I know it's protecting me, but now it's time for the inner child to say some things. And I let it out.
If it's a good idea I don't know, but it feels great.

 

I like it! I'm going to try that too. Many thanks for that!

 

Usually...Depends on how intense the feeling we can't feel is.

The Love of my life threw a cup of Iced coffee in my face one day.
I had No one to go to and cry on their shoulder....virtually ALL My friends and family had told me to leave her multiple times, so All I would have got would have been a "Told Ya So!"

I went home and immediately got it down on paper, all of the Anger at Her, Myself, etc......and then had the Mother of all TMS attacks!!! I literally couldn't Move. The slightest motion set off spasm's from neck to toe. I was in as bad of pain as I have ever been since I read Sarno 20 something years ago....Why? I Knew what was going on. Shouldn't that

???

It did go away, but it left me a little apprehensive because of it's appearance of 'coming out of nowhere'. It is only with HIND sight I can now see , it didn't 'come out of nowhere' at all. In fact, I should have expected it and set out of cup of Tea for Mr. TMS' arrival.

Looking Back NOW, It is fairly obvious. The thing that my '5 year old' ID couldn't deal with was my DEPENDENCY issues. The thing I couldn't get down on paper because I couldn't admit it was I ALWAYS went back to people who abuse me, no matter what. That literally and figuratively put me at Their Mercy. It actually took me years of counsel and work to get away from these situations.

I think somewhere my unconscious knew how much work lay in front of me so it was really ANXIETY.

I have a couple poorly hidden anxiety provokers, and Anything to do with the Medical world is one of them. Court is another. Crowds are a third.
"But you used to be a performer....You've had tons of days in court....you've had a ton of hospital visits"

Doesn't make the Anxiety any less. Cannot reason with the 5 year old.

Not ever being sure what it is in real time, I take a spiritual laxative and let it ALL out in one or two good Scream fests.
I don't want to upset my Dog, so I do it when she is not in the Truck. I never worry about people seeing me anymore....Road rage has gotten so normalized (LOL)
I don't think it matters that we 'figure' out what is causing it, but the actual act of searching and postulating seems to help. And if by some chance you do have a flash of insight? By all means, scribble it down!
I am so damn civilized nowadays. But every now and then I have to do something Insane, just to scratch that damn TMS record so it will quit playing.

and yeah, after having done this so long, our EGO get's tied up in it. "This shouldn't be happening to ME!"

Break something. Go Shooting. Open a can of Pasta sauce and dump it on your lawn.

 

@Baseball65 — I love this post! it answers a bunch of questions for me too! I’m bookmarking it! thank you!

 

Thanks, @Baseball65.

A friend pointed out to me that I am almost certainly continuing to be angry at a surgeon that I consulted about my needed surgery. I'll spare you all the details but what the surgeon was asking me to do to prepare for the procedure was unreasonable considering my (non TMS) medical history, and distressing too. What my "5 year old ID" can't handle is having to deal with and, as you mention, be at the mercy of such unreasonable a-holes...

Whether you opt to go on the NHS or you pay privately in the UK makes no difference, they still treat you like you're a piece of crap. The difference is that on the NHS you're on a long waiting list to be treated badly (and to be misdiagnosed, but that's another couple of stories!)

I paid for a private consultation with this latest a-hole, but I've now decided to go on the NHS... as I might as well be treated badly for 'free' (it's what I pay my taxes for!). I'm going to imagine knocking this latest a-hole surgeon's block off and see if that makes me feel better!

I can see that I've been misplacing a lot of anger towards my TMSing brain. But, that said, I still believe I'm also very angry at my brain for TMSing and fearful of its immense power to flatten me and prevent me from being able to do what I need to do that's important for my general health (e.g. having the the surgery)...

As with the a-hole surgeon I feel that I'm at my brain's mercy, at the mercy of a highly overprotective, if not faulty, 'mechanism'. And this is something new to me - I've never been angry at my brain before (fearful of it, yes, but not angry) and I don't know exactly how to handle this...

I can't remember Dr Sarno talking about being angry at - or, for that matter, fearful of - one's brain, or did my TMSing brain skip over that bit in his books, I wonder?

 

Well, If you read 'Helen's Story' at the start of MBP, she knew what the issue was, she has just never actually felt it before..so In a way , she was afraid of what she already knew about. It wasn't like she made a new discovery, but she definitely had a new experience with old pain.
That's why I added in that little vignette. Something in me knew that things couldn't go on the way they were going But I just didn't feel like dealing with it ...yet?

So yeah, I was really anxious of something and mad about being in that situation. The fact that I sat down and wrote immediately was proof posititive that I Knew where the problem was (In my character and thinking) but it just didn't surface yet...and when it did? Ouch...one of the most painful emotional things in my adult life.

I always forget you guys are in the UK. That sounds SOOOO enraging being at the mercy of the Govt.
Being an American with zero insurance, I actually only get mad at myself for not having more money...I dodge the Medical world as long as I can. I spent more at the Veterinarians office last month then I would ever spend on myself....(LOL). Still codependent, just with a Better Gal (My Avatar....sweet Sophie!)

 

@BloodMoon
I think Sarno did teach to get mad at your brain. And I don’t think it’s risky to do it because like I told you, last winter my symptoms escalated and I couldn’t take it one more minute. I yelled at my brain— and they alleviated for a little while, and that was huge for me. It showed me my brain is listening! It also shows that you refuse to be a victim— And when you start going into that zone, that’s where healing can occur.

 

Oh wow, is that a good statement. Lately I’ve been looking very close to home for what’s hiding in plain sight. During the pandemic, my husband started drinking much more heavily than usual— And more often. At the same time, I stopped drinking. So as you can imagine, it’s not the greatest combo anymore. It has created a lot of frustration in me and I haven’t wanted to speak up about it. —Because I wasn’t ready yet. In the last few days, I have been laying out how I really feel— That I don’t feel good around someone who over drinks. I’m not going to be able to do it. I think this is what my TMS brain has been trying to hide from me. My safe world isn’t really as safe as I think it is. And rocking the boat is always stressful and even dangerous and risky to a relationship if you rock it hard enough.

I don’t really like airing my dirty linens. But I honestly appreciate how you do it sometimes because it gives your advice more humanity. Maybe someone else is going through what I’m going through. I can imagine all sorts of things going on out there with the stress we’re under in this world. But we don’t have to just eat the difference. If you do that — You can get TMS.

I also found another hidden element in my most recent journaling. This emphasizes the reason to keep journaling over and over until you dig up what’s needed. During the pandemic, one of my sons got married, and my husband and I did not go because “we were afraid of Covid.” That’s right around when this current round of my TMS started, and I thought it was because my son was getting married and I was sad about that. Maybe I was a little bit. He’s my youngest son. But the latest thing I’ve discovered is that I would’ve gone to the wedding (despite being afraid of Covid). I lied to myself, saying I agreed with my husband. There is no way he would’ve gone. So really I’m mad at myself. I didn’t stick up for what I wanted or do what I wanted. But now all that’s changing.

 

Yep. I have done that a lot. And yes, it is primetime TMS fodder.

Being dependent on others for our well being is sort of a hallmark of TMS. Even when we like the people.

I used to just Nod my head, or keep my opinion to myself....ouch. My back/feet/neck/arms hurt

gosh, I wonder where this is coming from?

 

Oof, same. I'm working to break this habit!

Recently my mom gave me a nice bottle of wine for my birthday. I tried it one night with my husband and her, and really disliked it. My mom asked me if I liked it, I got nervous and wanted to say yes because I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but something pushed me to be honest regardless. I said no, then she said she didn't like it either. Stupid little moment, but it felt nice to actually speak what I really thought than hide in my little shell.

 

Not a stupid little moment! This is huge because it’s protection from getting TMS.

 

This brought something from the darkness into full sunlight for me upon contemplation... and that is, that I am mad/angry that I am experiencing anger! Ever since I started 'TMS work' I have realised that I suffer a lot of anger, whereas I know that many TMSers have to search for their anger and even deny that they have any anger; they don't actually feel it, but I actually do. However, the shining gold nugget that I now realise is that I detest and hate it when I'm feeling my anger. So, essentially, that adds another layer of anger on top of my anger and that top layer of anger is what I have been resisting; I've not been fully 'allowing' that top layer... I've been running away from it. I am going to work on not resisting and therefore 'allowing' that top later of anger. I can't tell you how big a breakthrough I believe this is for me! Thank you, @Baseball65!

Talking of veterinarians, an 'interesting' thing is that by law in the UK veterinarians can treat and do surgery on humans, but medical doctors can't treat or do surgery on animals. (They were saying about this when they thought we'd be short of medical doctors during the height of the pandemic.) What with my experience of being treated badly by medical doctors, I've often thought that I would be likely to get better treatment from a veterinarian!

You know, I always forget that Dr Sarno said to do this! I guess that's because I haven't had much success with it in the past, but I recognise that I almost certainly didn't do it enough. So, thanks for the reminder, @Diana-M! I'm going to yell and talk to my brain as a matter of policy from now on. I like @Cactusflower's suggestion of saying to my brain, "I AM IN CONTROL, I'm willing to listen to your concerns but I won't let you hold me back mentally and emotionally", which I'm using; it ties in with Dr Sarno's number 11 of his 12 daily reminders (that I also needed reminding of!)...

11) I intend to be in control-NOT my subconscious mind.

 

Hi, I'm not an expert in TMS — I only started learning about it recently — but I’ll reply anyway. I think you should focus on something that gives you strong motivation to keep going, something that gives you enough strength to beat your brain. Like telling it: "You, brain, are not going to stop me from achieving what I want to achieve." Remind yourself that it doesn’t control you — that your inner strength and your desire are stronger. Best of luck!

 

Thank you. All replies/suggestions gratefully received here, no matter where you happen to be on your TMS journey! I think you've got a very good point and what is key is to find something that I want to be involved in that has a powerful pull for me. The things that I used to be interested in pre-TMS no longer interest me, so the challenge for me personally is finding exactly what that might be. So, I need to experiment with some new things.