Day 23 Avoidance

Today has been so bad that I've honestly considered stepping away from all things TMS entirely. I'm in a nasty level up of pain and I struggle with belief with all the talk of pain moving, shifting, fluctuating. Mine is constant, always the same area, and spreading not jumping around. I really haven't avoided any part of the program. Journaling, meditation, education here and beyond, staying active, being part of the community. I wonder often if I just need to accept this is life now. I will always hurt.

I don't know what, if anything, I'm repressing. I've been through the fire - parents divorced early; Mom left me with my grandma a lot; Mom expected near perfection; sexual violence; cancer; failed marriage; having my mom live with me now; and all the traits of perfectionism, goodism, etc. But I'm fairly open about all of it. I don't know what is buried.

 

It’s a combination of things that create and sustain TMS -not just rage.
One thing may be the self-pressure to heal immediately. The self-victimization for not feeling you are healed now.
A nervous system that is not able to flow between states and is always on high alert because it doesn’t feel as if you are “safe” from some sort of existential emotional threat. It certainly sounds like you are still very anxious about all of this.
We all have our days. At first, when I learned about TMS I got WAY worse! I lost 40lbs, had seizures any time I tried to walk up and down the hall, vertigo if I moved my head side to side, nausea and immediate bathroom urgency if I stood for more than a few minutes. But these things were a sign to me that my brain was fighting this new knowledge. About a year in, I had a relapse (although I felt I’d barely recovered at all) which began about 9 months of having a relapse every 3 weeks. I finally just started to laugh at the absurdity of it all! However I just kept going, through it all. Tried to keep moving as best I could and gave myself grace when things were tough.
My mantra was Sarno’s assurance that this is temporary.
Giving yourself a break from the TMS work for awhile might be the grace you need.

 

Rusty Red,

Your new post saddens me. It seems that no part of your life is working as you need it to. The pain has totally enslaved you. I know it’s real. Not saying different. I really agree with Cactusflower here. Her post comes from experience. Please take heart from what she says. If it’s any help, I did not know what I was repressing. It came to me through cumulative efforts, in pieces. It is not a single revelation. If you need a break, then take it. When dredging it all up, a storm of emotions can be exhausting.

 

Hi Rusty. I really feel sorry to hear that you are feeling so miserably. in addition to what others said to which i totally agree to: maybe your search for what is buried is counterproductive. Remember that Alan Gordon (and Dan Buglio also) does not even advocate journaling etc, but he is focusing the work on taking away the anxiety and feeling safe. I can see a lot of self-pressure, victimization and anger/anxiety/frustration from your texts. You are definitely not feeling safe at all. These strong emotions are certainly enough to keep your symptoms alive, it does not need anything "buried" that you have to process in addition. instead of giving up TMS completely, free yourself of the pressure to heal your symptoms for now and focus on those elements that reduce your anxiety and just make you feel a bit better mentally.

 

Nothing more to add to the above other than to say I'm really thinking about you.

In my "will I get better" moments, I must tell myself if others can so can I

 

Rusty, it's okay to take a break. Putting too much pressure on yourself is counterproductive. Practice self-love; do something or eat something you love. Remember, this is not a race.

 

Thank you all. This has been an amazing community. I'm in a little better headspace today.

 

That's why it's unconscious! I have been doing this a quarter century. It has been a relatively good quarter century BUT I am not CERTAIN I have ever discovered anything. When I say something like "I discovered I was angry about _______(fill in Blank)_____"
What I really mean is:
"When I really started focusing on my previously unaware conflict with (Blank) the symptoms abated or disappeared"

So I pretend I am not me. Why would this guy be cooked and need a symptom? Why is the timing just precious?

I got super distraught last spring. I got up in the middle of the night and cried in frustration. And the pain was gone about a week later.

This is as much a creative project as it is a 'search'...I come up with idea's , put them into practice and then see what happens. Often I am totally WRONG. I get mad. I say "F this"..and then I start over. Fortunately Sarno has totally destroyed my faith in most conventional medicine.

 

Rusty red I feel for you! I have the same thing — continuous symptoms. I felt like if I could only find the missing piece they would go away, so I kept digging digging digging… to no avail. I wanted to quit just like you. Then I started realizing it’s more like a mosaic like cactus flower said— it’s a bunch of things you have to do and you have to keep doing them for a long time. But what other choice do you have really? I also believe what baseball says that you might come across something in particular that’s bothering you. But for some people like us I think there’s just an underlying perpetual TMS that gives rise to little bubblings of new angers that surge up. You can dig for these, but the overall TMS is going to take coming at it from a bunch of angles. And when I finally accepted that it might be a while, it calmed me down a lot. Instead of thinking how can I get better by tomorrow? Think: how can I live well today as I am?

I just started the Structured Educational Program this week, here on the wiki. Lesson number two talks about how TMS is caused, not by rage alone, but by threats to your self image. This is a whole new thing to think about.

See how it’s a treasure hunt? Keep hunting. it’s probably going to be a whole bunch of things that get us out of this hole. I know one of them that I don’t do enough of is confront the pain and do things anyway. This is another piece of the journey. It’s a doing program, not just a thinking program.

One thing I have observed from those that are somewhat TMS-free, is they never give up. ❤️ Hang in there!

 

I’m so happy to read that you’ve begun the SEP again Diana-M!

My symptoms are also continuous with a couple of hours-long breaks from pain now and then since becoming more serious about doing this work. To me, that proves my mind is slowly giving-over to the truth!

Countering that statement is an article I read today on a wiki forum about one of my worst symptoms—LPR (silent reflux). The conclusion by the quoted doctor is that one must follow a strict diet and other protocols OR ELSE! Then she went on to describe the worst that can happen. Well, my losing-ground mind jumped on it! Back to the SEP tonight with vigor!

This program has become a lifeline for me, the participants are so brave, the posters so kind. Welcome back!

 

That’s what it takes for me, too!

 

Oh, yes. Uncertainty for sure!

 

Two of these are on my hit parade and currently being examined. One is of these is essential to the other two. Are you certain you’re not a psychologist rather than an accountant, Jan? Great addition!

 

One benefit of my Christian faith is it addresses these topics pretty heavily. And the more I practice my faith on a daily basis, the more peace I get on these topics. (Of course, it’s true, the inner child will always rebel the fears that go with them.)

I think it does matter what you fill your conscious brain with. These thoughts trickle down to your subconscious over time and slowly instill peace. Someone who describes this beautifully is Norman Vincent Peale, in The Power of Positive Thinking. I turn to that book when I’m down and I’m immediately always given a big boost of peace and even happiness.

 

All good stuff Diana-M! I’m with you on Christian faith. It’s my mainstay.

 

I slacked last week but got back on JS this week.