Day 9 Being self-critical

I just worked through some tough journalling where I realized I'd put my life on hold as a teen and young adult until I was "perfect." I truly believed back then that my life would unfold wonderfully in front of me as soon as I was disciplined enough to lose weight. It was what my parents wanted for me and so what I had to want for myself, right? From time to time I would lose some weight, only to find that I was the same shy, socially awkward and scared girl I was before, so I'd gain it right back. Hershey's was my best friend for years and years (with almonds, of course!). Over time and with some life experience instead of chocolate under my belt, my weight stopped being the thing that shaped my view of myself. BUT I'M STILL PUTTING MY LIFE ON HOLD. This time it's the pain that's doing it. What does my future hold? There's a place I'm working toward where I don't have to have all my dominoes perfectly lined up in order to have happiness and joy and to love myself. It feels a long way off, but today, maybe just an iota closer.

 

Hi birder,
for some reason --maybe the fact that we are both new to this --I'm not sure--I am drawn to your story... What resonates with me in your comments above is how many of us have had lessons in "striving for perfection". Although each of us may have a different view of what that is. So happy for you that you have gained such insight about yourself. In my journaling I came to the realization that I am "working" too hard at trying to move beyond my symptoms and so I am reframing my thinking about how moving forward looks. Maybe it is gentler-- like gliding, or coasting-- or even flying? When I read your comment "There is a place I am working toward..." it struck me. I knew exactly what you meant. It is helping me to consider how hard I am "working" and to go easy on myself-- and let myself --float forward-- more gently. I am inspired by the experiences you are sharing. Thank you for your willingness to open up. It isn't easy for me at all--and I so respect your strength.

 

iwire, thank you for your post. It will help me keep plugging away - because this stuff ain't easy for me either. But I think we're both on the right track.

 

Wow, Birder... I just realized that I did the same thing as a teen; I started gaining weight in puberty and from then on I was always either gaining or losing weight. Stopped going to the swimming pool, stopped wearing shorts of skirts, stopped hanging out with people if it was hot (I remember a holiday with 5 other girls and they were all sunbathing and I was fully clothed in the shadow, to ashamed of myself, of my body), always feeling 'not good enough' and always putting my life on hold... if only I could lose the weight, if only I could be... I don't know, perfect!?
I am not and will never be perfect.
And I need to let go of that desire, or more so that pressure I put on my self.
For me, it all boils down to not feeling good enough... I am starting to see that now!
Thanks for sharing!
Wishing you the best in your journey!

 

Liz, the same to you! Let's make a pact to stop putting our lives on hold "until." Life is happening now, and we deserve all its variety and sweetness. We're amazing just as we are!

 

Had the craziest day today. All the terrible pain that was in my right foot jumped over to my left foot - how weird is that? I just laughed it off. And freshly inspired by Liz, I loaded up my pup into the car and took her to the dog park before my brain could start telling me, "That's too strenuous for you. Too much walking/standing. What if the pain comes back?" We both had a great time, made new friends, and feel human again - well, at least I do. She's still a dog.