Day 1 Believing but not believing

Firstly I just wanted to say that it's so amazing to see the support on this forum. For someone who has struggled alone for years, it's so encouraging to read and see people interact in such a supportive way and I'm excited to be doing the SEP.

Symptom backstory:
Throughout my life I've dealt with several pains and fixations on certain parts of my body, particularly coming from ones I found threatening to my ability to enjoy life. From urinary issues & pains as a kid, to severe allergies, tinnitus that pushed me into a deep depression, stomach/gastro problems, back and shoulder, etc. All of which never fully understood by doctors (sometimes they had theories), and in some cases as a kid that meant I was told to get over it and stop fussing. The problems seemed to rotate, taking turns to take over my life until my fear of each one reduced and they faded away. The tinnitus was so bad I couldn't sleep or function, the urinary pains and discomforts absolutely disturbed me throughout school life, the back and shoulder pains threatened to take away my sports, the stomach pains/reactions had me scared to eat for long periods of time. Besides the slight ache here and there, these above mentioned pains and fixations have just about all disappeared, one by one as I lost fear in them.

History:
My mother and father divorced at a young age and it was very messy. She fell into drug addiction, used her money to retain custody of my sister and I, but was in no way fit to look after us. We spent time left alone at the house for days, or taken on drug benders where we slept in cars or random people's houses. She had several seriously abusive boyfriends that would physically harm her in front of us and even beat my father to a pulp when he tried to spend the weekend with us. I am still not sure if I felt anger or sadness at the time.

My father did everything in his power to protect us, but he had very little money, sleeping in his office after the divorce until he found a small place. He managed to gain custody of us after several court hearings and counsellors decided it was the better decision. He looked after us throughout school, working a lot to pay the bills as a single parent. He never once talked badly about my mother, and still believed it was important to keep contact and see her if she was sober. By the time I was around 11 she seemed to be getting her life back on track (this was up and down with several relapses), and we would spend every second weekend with her. She was still fairly wealthy but did not contribute, unless for birthdays or celebrations where she could buy something fancy and try outshine what my father could afford. Although somewhat sober (she was on a lot of prescription meds and was always sickly), she was fairly manipulative and often quite nasty. Nonetheless, I of course loved her and she became more caring the more stable she got. My sister and I grew closer to her, now with some teenage "perspective" and "understanding". Shortly after when I was 17 she passed away. My dad and I cleaned out her house (my sister couldn't bear to be involved) and sorted everything out. She was mourned and people were sad, including me of course. But there was no room to be angry about the past, everyone had forgotten, it was like she was gone and only good things were now allowed to be said or remembered.

Throughout all this, I can't quite remember how my sister and I felt about everything, but towards the end there was definitely a feeling of this is tough, but we will be okay.

Personality:
I was quite shocked seeing all the typical personality characteristics in the mind body world, many scream my name. I work an extremely accountable job where a lot rides on me, in fact it seems like all I cared about in the last 15 years was "succeeding" and doing "well". It's like I need that to feel okay. I put everything into work, I can't help but need to control everything, I'm an obsessive perfectionist, and I panic if I think people don't like me.

Fast forward to now & the SEP
I'm now 30 years old and came across this forum while looking for answers & support as I am dealing with a new pain and area of focus and fear. I've had times where the pain has disappeared for weeks and even months before, only to return and pull me back down mentally. I've read the Divided Mind and researched the topics. I even have a psychotherapist I've been seeing for 10+ years that has always encouraged me to consider how much my brain can effect me physically. I've been checked out by several doctors for this new pain (way too many), and even had surgery that didn't seem to help, which actually only made me focus on the area more. They have told me there seems to be nothing wrong and can't pin point an issue.

The problem is I can't seem to fully accept that it's a mind-body related pain, even with all the past experiences and information! The big reason is because my pain/discomfort is not one of the more commonly spoken about pains and I wanted to see if anybody else has struggled with this dilemma. A lot of the books and stories mention common pain symptoms, but can TMS cause pain and affect other parts of the body?


PS: Apologies that this is so long, I wanted to talk about struggles with accepting TMS as the cause of my pain and felt the need to explain my backstory for context.

 

Hi and welcome to the Forum!

It's hard to address your concerns when you don't articulate what the new pain/discomfort is. Since TMS is caused by the autonomic nervous system creating symptoms, there is practically no limit to what it can do. It's truly amazing all the manifestations of TMS that have been written about on this Forum. I've had quite a few myself. I think you should assume you have TMS since you've been checked out by doctors and they've found nothing wrong.

 

Yes. Keep reading. The forum and the books...

 

Thanks for all the responses and support. This is such a powerful insight, it's like the more familiar you are with the mechanism, the harder your brain has to work to make it believable and cause you doubt. It's running out of options and has to latch onto anything it can!

Really appreciate the quiz too, thank you.