Day 1 Bittersweet Confusion

I am young, only a 19 year old student, but I have suffered greatly in my life. Growing up, I have always been emotional, pitiful, and in awe at the evils of the world. I saw the evils in the world growing up in a big city, with my parents splitting a part at a young age. Certainty was rare, and I always felt confused about things as long as I can remember. My parents' split created rebellion in me, and I would begin to crave the decadence that I saw in this toxic relationship, through the city streets of my neighborhood, and the black mirror of any devices search engine. Oddly, the more it disgusted me, the more I wanted to see it--But not out of enjoyment, but rather out of obligation to "confirm that these things weren't for me." A desperate attempt to rid my confusion of the world and gain control. An infinite series of dark choirs. I still think like that to this day.

In my failed attempts to control the world's grossness, I fell to a porn addiction which lasted years. What used to seem unacceptable to me began to seem permissible. I began to repress everything. I was young, yet for years I engaged with porn, damaging my soul and my mind. People around me were engaging similarly with seemingly no repercussions, which is why I thought it was okay. But it affected me worse; I was always a deeply emotional child. In desperate attempts to gain control of my mind I became obsessed, unraveled, looking for help. Ended up in a therapist's office, a clueless one at that who treated me for OCD. Just another TMS equivalent in my eyes; a symptom, not the genesis. When my therapist told me porn was acceptable and he couldn't recommend against it, I lost all respect for him on that day. With my failures to get in touch with reality, my world lost gravity. I’ll skip the genres of porn I succumbed to, but with misery prevailing, my mind, like any addict, pushed me to dark pits to feel something again. I became so confused at who I was and what I was attracted to, what I liked, when in reality I was simply a confused, normal young man--but everyone seemed to entertain the idea that I was broken, so I must be...right?

My real TMS journey started when a physical symptom arose. A sudden twinge in my groin area turned into massive pain, tightness, pulling, radiating pain, over the course of weeks. I thought because of my crude habits I had damaged the area. I freaked out. Nobody knew what was happening, and my whole life went upside down. From urology offices with lobbies full of 80 year old men, wandering far from home, multiple PTs, giving up sports, fearing the sudden onslaught of radiating and excruciating groin pain, searching my symptoms on reddit for hours, self diagnosing, being hopeless, thinking I would live in chronic pain for the rest of my life, I made the decision to quit porn forever. I had failed quitting many times, but the physical manifestation of TMS symptoms made it clear that this had to be done. No one will ever know what I endured those following months. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but when I gained control of it months down the line, that feeling was pretty incredible. It's been years since I watched porn. Once I stopped that part of my life, a lot changed for me–but the years of repression mixed with my perfectionistic personality ensued the worst physical pain in my life. TMS was out of the bottle now. It only got worse and I lived in agony. I was so unhappy it was as if I felt guilty for quitting.

With my hours of searching for a cure, one person online went against the rest, and I finally found Sarno on a whim. Sarno’s ideas were already something I had been propagating since the start of my symptoms and getting crucified by any professional for it. The world is totally against anyone who speak truth to the lie of those chimerical magical diagnoses. I bought the book instantly but was so scared to open it..what if it doesn’t work…? This is my last chance to be saved from hell! It takes a lot of courage -- more courage than people admit but which Sarno assumed- to step out of the dark caves we build for ourselves, and into the pure and magical light of the Sun. For me, Sarno was an analogy of Truth. Sarno's work is a mental trick of magical proportions capable of saying "abracadabra " and mountains can yep move. One day, I said Fuck it cracked it open, and the rest was history.

I gained my confidence back, quit all therapies, journaled, and started to exercise again. However, as a young kid, although journaling was effective for me, summer was around the corner, classes were out, and I forgot all about the fear. Stubbornly the pain signals continued to fire, albeit more mildly, and without active attention from my mind. I lived my life functioning with minimal pain, but whenever something stressful happened I would revert within a day to the level of pain I endured in the year prior. I would be momentarily free after a period of patterning Sarno’s reflex, but was and still am too scared to let all of my pain go. All of my sorrow and sadness built up from decades. It protected me in a way.

Currently, I am living alone in a new city for college, still having pain and tightness even though I wholeheartedly know this is TMS. Sarno told me “end focus on trivial bullshit bourgeois pain, and end thus your fear of it, and get on instead to activities that blow your mind.” I am able to enjoy the best moments of life with minimal pain. However when I live alone during the school year, alone in the slow winter, by myself, I can’t help but generate pain. And the pain hits me hard. Journaling seems to mediate it, but nothing will alleviate it.

In the show Death Note, the character Light Yagami wields the power to kill with just his book and the name of the person he wishes to kill. Those who possess a Death Note can neither go to heaven or hell when they themselves die, but only send others to heaven or hell. The bearers of the Death Note taint their own souls in the possession of the book, and go to nothingness. All Death Note users face the same fate, regardless of their actions. In a way they will never be the same since they are murderers. Light Yagami dies in the middle of a staircase, neither ascending to divinity nor descending to damnation. The stairs are the path to ultimate judgment, and dying midway is his failure to escape the consequences of his actions. I am the same. I am reaching for the heavens but ultimately trapped in between—too flawed to be divine, to live fully pain free, but not in hell either. Sarno gave me a spark of light, but I want to become fully pain free. I hope this program helps me on this path.

As I see it, my history burns my halo–but I am still here with hope.

 

what is it about the words "alone" in the "slow winter"?
Have you explored those?
What do these words make you feel?
Is "Slow" hard for you...because??
Is alone a "negative" word for you, or a positive one?
This is all about finding your internal peace.
The fact you see yourself as "flawed" is interesting. What do you compare yourself to that is not flawed, that is perfect and in what esteem do you hold this ideal, this value?
Flawed or imperfect in humanity to me, makes humans interesting and genuine. Perfection seems really automatic to me, and boring. Look into Sarno's TMS personality types, and note where you see yourself in those pages. It's really enlightening. Feeling flawed, if you identify with a perfectionist personality - those folks are usually really hard on themselves and want to "fix" everything they have learned to view as "wrong" with themselves.
The S.E.P. will take you thought many exercises that can help you delve into these things. It is commendable that you are willing to do this work!

 

Thank you! I will be trying my best. I am poor at figuring out what I feel, mainly because I guess I'm so good at repressing, but trying my best!

 

This means a lot! Your advice is great and thank you for taking the time.

 

Hey friend,

I was actually a college instructor for many years before I became a full-time artist, so your age group is very dear to me. I know y'all have a LOT of pressure, especially in an age where everything is so visible.

First of all, it seems like you want to talk about your porn addiction. I am a recovering alcoholic, so I know how you feel when folks say that this behavior or substance is "harmless," that is wrecking your life. They don't understand that folks like you and me have trouble moderating. Of course, if I could only have a glass of wine with dinner it would be "harmless." It's frustrating to be misunderstood.

Pornography fires all the same signals in your brain as cocaine. It's a big dopamine inducer, and for folks who feel things more intensely (like you and me and I'll bet most of the folks on here) it can mask a lot of the negative noise.

I want you to know that you were just trying your best to self-soothe from what sounds like a pretty isolating childhood. You aren't bad. You aren't dirty. You aren't evil. You aren't wrong. You aren't broken. You now have better coping mechanisms and you're doing a great job employing them, and if you slip up, you KNOW that you can quit again, because you already did it. We all have slip ups. We all make mistakes.

I'm really, really proud of you! Now, I really want you to feel proud of yourself, because it's tough out there, but here you are doing the work.

@JanAtheCPA and @Cactusflower have given some sage advice. They have already helped me a ton and I'm only on Day 6.

Keep on keeping on. You got this!

P.S. I see that you're an anime fan. Have you seen Paprika? It's a wild one, but beautiful.

 

Thanks for your advice. Yeah I believe addiction can develop into a TMS symptom itself, so as to help us avoid the past.
I will half to check out that anime!
Regards,
L