Bleghhh

These last few days have been sooo awful. I've been having fights with everyone and the planes keep soaring because the wind direction isnt changing and im so drained. Its just so draining to constantly have planes above my fucking head. I get awoken at 7 or 8 and i just cant sleep after. I was loving drawing lately but I just cant draw because I draw in the room where planes are loudest. Once more I have such a desire to let go but I'm just feeling so uptight and agitated that I cant do it yet. It would be awesome if i could just be sitting there drawing, completely unbothered by planes. Now the planes are gone and i could draw but im feeling so drained i just cant go studying perspective and geometry and whatever.

I notice how every time im feeling bad, it feels like it will never end. I havent felt this bad in quite a long while. I was thinking this wouldnt happen anymore with my medication. Sadly it was just the perfect storm with just everyone being uptight and the planes and me not being able to wind down at all. I can feel in my eye area the tightness in my eyebrows and cheeks and im trying to unwind once again. I hope tomorrow is gonna be a better day; I need some rest.

Its funny -- i really thought that id developed the necessary skills to deal with this and its just really confronting to know that: yes i can also get worse still.

I don't really have any other option than to wake up tomorrow and do it all again. I have written more engaging stories but I really am done. Have a great night

 

Eventually you will let go, because as you suggest, you really don't have any other option. It just takes awhile for that to really sink in. However, you will let go AND have symptoms. You will hear sounds you don't like, you will feel the fear and anxiety of the sounds, and you will not like it but you'll simply return to the drawing and realize that you can either hand every ounce of your power over to the sensations and judgments of the feelings and emotions within your body or you can simply learn to live beside them.
Really, and honestly that's how folks who aren't as bothered by things do it. You simply end up making a choice of where you want to place your attention, what is less draining and learning that being constantly annoyed (which, by the way, is very normal in the earlier stages of healing) is a choice. Your mind is still just keeping you safe by not letting you think that this choice is even a possibility yet. It's there. It won't go away and it's just waiting for you. Take comfort in the fact that it's all there and will remain there for the time you are ready.
I've been reading and listening quite a bit about "alignment" - when your mind, spirit, and soul are simply all lined up and the peace it brings. It allows you to take the next steps with some peace. The work you are doing, practicing allowing yourself to sense your emotions, to trying to occupy your mind with interests and talents, to imagine the future of when you can listen to music and talk to your friends again - all from a place of interior emotional safety is working towards that alignment. It's when things shift, the work subtly changes and we can work on a new level. It takes time, and as much patience as you can manage even through the hard days. Someday will feel hard and impossible, other days will feel like we have bridged some sort of new next level. The point is you are still there working though it all.

Good work @Mani! Remember that one of the hardest things for you to work though in the past has been resistance and persisting with your practices and mindset, yet now you are doing it. Every day you show up for yourself. Even if it feels everything is working against you, you show up for you. Excellent!