Day 31 Boss-Anger

The day 31 suggestion was to share about how my professional relationships may be changing because of this program. I think this may be one of the keys to my rage. I'm the boss of a 13 person company. I never expected I'd be responsible for managing people. After all, I started my company because I love making the work (the classic small business conundrum).

The thing I hate about being a boss is that, like a parent, I have to maintain rules and structures, and most importantly my composure (when I'd sometimes rather yell!). If I don't set clear rules and have actual repercussions, the order falls apart. And, most enraging, people often start doing things you don't expect, like watching movies at work, or playing games, and then you need to create new rules for these behaviors. Or fire them. And firing people – especially ones you really like – is incredibly emotionally draining.

I worked with a consultant last year to help me learn how to manage better. It's getting better now that I have a plan, but it still takes so much of my time and willpower to be in this role. If I were passionate about managing, I'd just go all in and make this my only sole focus. But like any business owner of a company this size, that's currently impossible. I still need to wear a number of hats.

So I'm feeling rage towards my employees often when I'm having to spend so much energy parenting them and watching what I say. And I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to be a "good" boss because I'm a perfectionist. And I've been having this existential dilemma for over a year about whether I even want to be in this position. Whether downsizing and simplifying may be better, even if that means the company may fail.

At the turn of the year I decided to put extra attention into these issues until I feel more peaceful about my situation. I'm hopeful that I can get there in 2018, and that it may be part of the key in solving some my pain issues.