Chaos....

I just wanted to share something that was brought to the surface during my therapy session yesterday. I presume many of us have had less than an ideal childhood. Mine was particularly chaotic and unpredictable. My adult life has also been on the hectic and crazy side. I have often looked at my friends that were able to somehow enjoy a less dramatic and conflicted life and been a little envious. I felt that somehow I was creating the drama, the conflict, it was just part of who I was. I have always said with pride "I am good in a crisis." Of course I am, I was raised in one crisis after another. Well, what my therapist pointed out was that although I am drawn to chaos because that is what is familiar, I do not create the chaos. I have been drawn to it and then spent my life mediating the consequences. This perhaps will only make meaningful sense to others who have been blaming themselves for all the drama and chaos in their lives. It is important for me because I can now consciously learn how to be calm and settled. It is going to take work because I don't know what calm and secure feels like. And hopefully then it will feel good to be in my body!

 

Hooray for insight! I've literally had times in working this program that the realization is so striking that I've felt almost as if I've been hit by a brick.
Sometimes it takes someone outside the sphere of our pain to lead us to a new conclusion.
Your insight is one of strength. Congratulations on accepting that you can be the calm amidst the storm that you are not responsible for creating!

 

I had a really great childhood, but a seriously dysfunctional family. I see now how my dad's anger issues, and my mom's depressive/anxious attitude did a number on my psyche.

 

Thanks for responding Forest, and sorry to hear about your mother.

I think I may be repressing anger because I was always too afraid to express my anger towards my father. I also picked up my mother's depression/anxiety. The only issue I had as a child was worrying about things. I started getting depressed around 10th grade, and that same year I took LSD and had a bad trip. I was in a post-traumatic, high anxiety state for over a year before I finally calmed down in my senior year of high school. I can see now that I had TMS symptoms ever since the bad trip including anxiety, depression, IBS, insomnia, seasonal allergies, neck pain, frequent urination, dry/sore eye, etc. Things were manageable until this year though when the pain really hit hard. I'm glad I've found this site, it feels like I'm not alone.