Day 9 Critical Thinking

I have always been extremely over critical of myself. Most of this critical thinking has to do with an extreme drive that everything I do must be perfect or the best possible. I just recently turned 30 and with this significant age marker came even more criticism. A whole lot of "you didn't expect to be in horrible pain still at 30 years old," or " great, you are a 30 year old that is only able to get through the day because of the pain medication and muscle relaxers you need to take everyday." Of course I don't want to be in pain or on daily medication that causes side effects so this type of critical thinking just makes me feel worse about myself. I think I think this way because I feel the need to be perfect, always have. I also think I think this way because I am always comparing myself to others, like "none of my other friends are 30 and in horrible pain and on pain meds so therefore there is something wrong with me and I am not good enough," or especially comparisons of physical appearance. I weigh more now then I ever have in my life and I beat myself up over it almost everyday. This kind of thoughts are not new though, I have been thinking this way my entire life so it is hard to catch the thoughts when they are going through my head but I am trying to become more aware of them and convince myself that this kind of thinking is not beneficial AT ALL and is actually harmful to myself. I think a lot of this journey towards living a pain free life is going to require learning the art of self love and self care, stomping out the critical/perfectionist thoughts and simple being able to be comfortable sitting with myself as I am.

 

Excellent revelations! You are well on the road to recovery.

 

I agree with @Ellen, very good progress!

Your words are very well phrased and everything in the whole post sounds insightful. Now, how do you feel about the way you are treating yourself? This voice always comparing with others and telling you you are not good enough, that you have to do better? The perfectionism. It sounds exhausting. Do you have any emotions about that?

Do you think you deserve being treated like this by yourself? I don't.

Are you going to stand up against your inner bully?