Day 31 Current anxiety

I was chatting to my edmr therapist today and going through exercises, and the thing that had the biggest emotional pull today, was that I feel unlovable. Saying those words made me extremely sad. Why do I feel this way? Sure, there were events at the age of 12 led to a critical event. But what came before that? Why was I insecure enough that I cut out current friends in my life, and abandoned them, then moved to ‘better’ friends? There must be other times that lead me to feeling insecure before the age of 12. In between primary school and intermediate school. I was a real individual at the time, some sort of big change must have happened before the age of 12. I really can't recall.

Fuck I felt like a real loser inside, always terrified that people would find out just how unlovable I was, and not 'like' me. I carried this all through school. Deeply with me. I was living in fear from the age of 12, that I was a fraud and carried it will me all the time. I still feel this way today. Feeling I’m not good enough. Waiting for the moment people find out that I’m unlovable, and so I abandon them and judge them too harshly before they ignore / reject me. And I carry this fear with me from interaction to interaction, knowing I’m better than this yet somehow always wanting approval from others and complete strangers. Like a wounded dog that just wants to be kicked. And I get kicked and rejected because I’m always feeling vulnerable. Even with mundane events like going to the shops, I feel anxiety. It’s fucking ridiculous, I know I have so many good traits and I shouldn’t feel this way but it’s always there. I have a few good friends and am married, though I feel the low-self esteem with me to lesser or greater extend constantly. I put on the brave mask most of the time than I'm totally fine and happy in the world. I think that's why I have chronic fatigue. My brains knows I'm lying to everyone, and myself.

 

It's a common theme for us with TMS. I always feel like I'm annoying people if I need to ask them a question at work. Or if I'm with friends I really wonder if they like me or just tolerate me. It's basically your description of being "unlovable." I find it amazing how we all may have very different symptoms and a different healing timelines-but our personalities and thoughts are very much the same!

I'm working on rewiring my brain now. If a negative thought pops up like this-I try to correct myself by saying the truth. I tend to be hypervigilant with my surrounding and of reading people. It's a hard habit to break because this has been my truth for many, many years.

 

Thanks for sharing. I posted this as part of the journaling exercise for the days and it's more raw for that. It's amazing how regular people can carry around this baggage of not being worthy. I act as if it's not the case, but I still feel it.

Keep up the good work with the brain retraining! It's encouraging to hear others with similar issues doing the work.

 

@Mando
I’m very sad to read your post. And I relate to it completely. I could have written every word. I think @Joulegirl is right. It is very common with TMSers. Usually because we weren’t given what we needed when we were young. But just know that it’s not your fault. You are lovable!

 

@Diana-M I appreciate the kind words. That's stuff I have never said out loud but thought it was important to be honest somewhere, for once. I guess at the heart of it all, it's a very common feeling for those in our situation. I know am lovable on an intellectual level, though not feeling worthy runs much deeper. For decades my brain has told me that I couldn't admit to that to anyone because then it would be true. The time has passed for such self deception

 

You’re brave!

I know this might be silly, but it worked for me earlier this year. I discovered it accidentally. I wrote, “I love you, Diana,” on a piece of paper. Just seeing that written once, with my name, gave me such a surprising emotionally-charged good feeling, I thought “what if I fill a whole page with this?” Then, every day for about three months I filled a whole page with it. I’m not sure if it did anything long term, but it really did feel good. (Who knows, maybe it sunk into my subconscious?) I really should resume that habit.

At the same time, I was reading this book called Feeling Good, by David Burns. It’s a great book! And it directly addresses that low self-esteem is what leads to depression. He teaches you how to correct your abusive thoughts toward yourself. I think it helped me. (I recommend this book a lot, so forgive me if I’ve already recommended it to you! lol)