Day 2 Day 02 TMS article by Kim Ruby. Very helpful

This is the most helpful article about TMS I have read so far. The subtle feelings of "not being good enough" has really hit home. This is probably my main emotion, formed in early childhood from which my mother told me an important detail: When I was about 2 years old my father was supposed to watch me while she was out. My father, a journalist, worked from home and was trying to write an article while I was crying for attention. He got so mad and spanked me brutally on my behind to shut me up. I probably thought he would kill me. The marks from his beating were still quite visible when she came home and got quite angry when she saw it. Apparently after that I developed a slight stutter, which I only lost much later in adulthood. The stuttering was embarrassing in school, especially when I had to read in front of the class. My upbringing in school was very strict and still quite vividly remember the teacher slapping me or yelling at me when being caught talking or when I hadn't done my homework. All this must have created my feelings of not being good enough and probably formed my personality, which is thriving, perfectionist, compulsive, responsible and controlling. Always eager and willing to take on new responsibilities. All typical for a TMSer. This personality has served me very well in my engineering and project management profession.
My personality must have enraged my inner child, which probably wanted to be pampered, have fun, take it easy and play, really the opposite of my adult personality. My TMS really started after my retirement.
Not feeling good enough is a feeling I would not advertise to my friends or employer and I fully understand why I tried to avoid this "unworthy" feeling. Now that I brought it into the open, my pain actually got worse. I now try frequently to connect to this feeling and tell myself that it is perfectly OK to have it.
Is this enough to convince my subconscious mind?? Your comments will be most appreciated

 

Wow, Elbe - this is a wonderful post. Beautiful work of uncovering old memories and trauma. I find also that when I unearth a feeling or part of me that I've repressed, I get a flare up of TMS. That's when I know I'm doing the healing work. Not a lot of fun to go through and I need to stay close to TMS recovery forums and reading to remind myself that this is part of the process. I think there is so much work that goes on in our subconscious - this line

really sums up the healing beautifully. Even though at times, I want the connection to the subconscious to happen QUICKER, I get the evidence that the information and belief that its okay to have that feeling has been received and processed. Looking forward to hearing more from you!

 

Thank you nowtimecoach. I always enjoy your posts. The following sentence from your post "Trying to break the cycle" Mar 2 "I refuse to let my mood, self perception, my feelings about the future be determined by how much pain I am in" I have included in my daily reminders and read frequently and has helped with my recovery. Thank you.