Day 1 - Brother's Death Triggering event?

I am about 99% certain that I have TMS. My brother died last May and that's when I started having all these wild pain symptoms. It started with Tennis/Golfer's elbow in both elbows. I am a potter, so my job is pretty intensely physical and requires the use of my arms and back extensively. I have also lifted weights for 12 years.

I also have a lot of guilt, shame, resentment, and pain associated with my brother who is 4 years my senior, but had quadreplegic cerebral palsy, and was suffering his whole life. I was responsible for his care (including diapering and feeding), attended the same school, rode the short bus together, and monitoring him for aspiration/dehydration/seizures etc. during the summer months and sometimes in the evenings when my parents went out.

One time I complained, after I was prompted, and told my parents that I was jealous of all the attention he received (I was 10 or 11) and my father made me sit completely motionless in a chair for hours until I wet myself and my father then hurt me pretty bad, so I learned to stuff emotions and lie about my feelings.

After he died, it was a very conflicting experience, because when I told people he lived 5 years longer than expected, they acted celebratory, though I knew he had such a low quality of life filled with pain, so I felt relieved and happy for him, which made me feel ashamed and alienated. This, and a few other reasons, are why I think I have TMS.

I went to the doctor and she gave me a steroid pack which made me have a panic attack (I haven't had one in 8 or so years) which completely derailed any progress I had made in my mental health journey, and the pain persisted in my elbows and transferred up to my traps and neck. The night of my panic attack, I was watching a movie with my husband and suddenly felt this agonizingly painful sharp sensation in the sides of my neck. I thought I was dying. I was convinced that I had dissected an artery and was going to bleed out, or that the discs in my neck were slipping, and I was going to be paralyzed like my brother.

I got counselling for the crazy health anxiety, and that helped a lot, but it was expensive and I convinced myself that I was well.

I went back to the doctor with the neck pain and she sent me to PT, which helped somewhat. I then went on a trip to Ireland which was miserable, because I got an ear infection on the flight there, contracted norovirus, and then Covid.

I went back to the doctor who preceribed me antibiotics and that cleared the ear infection which helped, but she wanted to sonogram my lymph nodes. All was well with that, but the neck and trap pain lingers, though it has improved.

I have stopped all of my PT stretches and it actually feels BETTER. I am taking a break from working out and just giving myself a break, rereading Dr.. Sarnos' book, and now doing this program, because I am ready to be well, and stop letting shame manifest itself in my body. There is nothing physically wrong with me. All my blood tests are fine, my x rays are fine. I just need to stop the incessant googling and convince my own mind that I am not in danger.

Thank you so much for reading and I look forward to reading all of your stories too!

 

Your emotions are so valid and always were.
My father also suffered from disability from his 20's until his death and his death was his blessing and an end to his suffering AND MINE. I suffered to see him not be himself, and to have no control over his situation.
Like you, when I complained about anything in my younger years, I was punished.
You had so much responsibility, FAR TOO MUCH responsibility as a child and teenager. My goodness, you were responsible for another human life while you were supposed to be living your own life.
Big HUGE HUG!
Keep working on the program and see what you uncover and refer back to Dr. Sarno's work to look at where he says to look for emotion: RAGE We can have more than one set of emotions at once.
Heck, I read your story and I am ENRAGED at what you and your brother had to go through.

 

Thank you so much for your kind reply.

I am so sorry that you and your father suffered so, but I am also so grateful that you shared your story with me. I have felt very alone for a very long time and your experience really hit home for me.

You are absolutely correct that I have a lot of RAGE and need to make sure that I acknowledge that because it cetainly does contribute to this pain.

Big hug right back to you. Thank you again. I truly do appreciate your guidance and the time you took to reply.

 

Hugs to you!
Glad you found this site!
I am back after 4.5 years away.
I'm here restarting the SEP program and on Day #3