Day #1, hope in the middle of the storm

Hi. I am a 41 y/o physician (internal medicine specialist) (sorry about my English, 2nd language). I have been working since I was 16 y/o at a grocery store. The first time I had back pain was at 16-17...my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and by the end he was on hospice care, and I helped him bathe, stand up, eat, gave him his meds, I cared for him ( i thought my pain was because of that). Unfortunately, he passed in 1999. I was the one who found him (trauma); it was super hard for me. After that, like, everything changed, the family was a mess, he was the rock of the family. Family secrets came out, family started to fight (sometimes physical fights), problems with the inheritance, etc. (more trauma).

After college, I went to Med school, went to a completely unknown country to me, where I didn't know anybody, didn't have a place to live when I arrived. I only had the money my grandmother had lent me, and 1 suitcase full of clothes. Anyway, after 4 years I graduated med school and came back home. That was in 2009. Life was good then, no pains, no limitations, played tennis, basketball, loved road trips in the Island.

In 2015 I decided to move to NYC and start my medical residency training. I was offered a position starting immediately (2 weeks away) or I had to wait 2 months, obviously I took the position that started immediately, I was very eager to start. Unfortunately, I got really sick after the flu shot. This is where things started to get bad. Like 2-3 days after the shot, I started with tachycardias, ups/downs in blood pressure and pulse with movements and position changes, I couldn't even walk 10 steps because of the shortness of breath and my heart rate would go up to 150's, I was so dehydrated as I couldn't even eat. because of the symptoms I needed to call 911 almost every day, and EMS took me to the hospital where I was doing my training. Everyone saw me, and thought it was anxiety, because I moved to NYC alone, was starting to work in a new place, etc. I knew it was not anxiety. The chief of cardio told me it was POTS, but the chairman of the department I was under, did not believe that and so I had to resign my position as they denied me a leave of absence until I got better. Again, came back home.

Recovery took monthssss..I was prescribed anxiety pills (which did not work), I started seeing a psychologist, Multiple cardiologist and electrophysiologists, but symptoms stayed. The only thing that made them better, was breathing, continuing with my life and a beta blocker i was taking.

By 2017, Again I started My residency training, and finished it in 2020, symptoms free, but with a lot of trauma (especially in 2019-2020).

After graduation I was offered a big position at a nearby hospital by my best friend at that time, unfortunately this did not last, friendship was over (which broke my heart) and I resigned to avoid seen her (she was like a sister to me). By that time, I started having back pains, muscle pains, especially in upper back, hypersensitivity on my skin, sometimes even the softest stroke would hurt, half of my scalp would hurt...but i just thought it was stress, so i just kept going.

After that, I started working more than ever, I was working at 2, sometimes 3 hospitals at the same time, all of my weekends, sometimes I would only had 2 days free a month and sometimes I worked 2-3 months in a row. Plus, i had to care financially for my mother, sister and niece.

By December 2023, I started getting these really bad headaches in the back of my head, which I thought was stress, took all muscle relaxants, anti-inflammatories, steroids, you name it, and nothing. head CT, MRI brain and labs all normal. Vision was perfect as well. As I have a past history of intracranial hypertension, I went to see a neurologist, I was worried I was getting another episode (even thought I KNEW it wasn't, pain was completely different), keep in mind I AM a physician and known symptoms!
Still, the neurologist recommended a lumbar punction to check the pressure.... This was on December 22...Christmas was 3 days away... Anyway, I had the LP, and bear in mind, I HAD A FEELING THAT DAY DEEP INSIDE ME, I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD THE LP, still, I accepted because a close friend of mine was coming to do it, just as a favor to me.

5 days later I was admitted to the hospital because of dizziness, headaches, palpitations. 2 days later I developed right eye pain (eye socket), blurred vision ..I was started on medications that made all the symptoms worse. I was discharge and all labs and studies were normal. Keep in mind, The Lumbar puncture was NORMAL!

By January 8, 2024, I had terrible photophobia, eye pain and upper back muscle pain which worsened when i stood up. Went to see 2 different ophthalmologists, the 2 of them said everything was normal, referred me to a neuro-ophtalmologist, who again said everything was normal, but gave me steroids thinking it was a trochleitis (which is super rare). The back pain worsened, by mid-January the pain in thoracic area was so bad, I even thought I was having a rupture aneurism, ended up in the ER, admitted again, all images and labs were normal as well.

by February 2024, the back pain was so bad, I had a nerve block. day after the nerve block, I woke up EXTREMELY WEAK/FATIGIGUED, I could not move my arms, they felt so heavy, I was so fatigued I felt shortness of breath and thought I was going to die. Again, ended up in the ER, admitted for the 3rd time in 3 months. Again, all labs, images, everything was NORMAL.

By the end of February, I went to the Rheumatologist and diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia and prescribed me Lyrica and Cymbalta. I was hesitant to take them, as I was sooo sure I had something else. How come FM can be so debilitating? Give a fatigue so bad? Give the worse pain ever?

By March I was in so much pain, I decided to take Lyrica; It helped me a little. But I started Meditating, Mindfulness, and overall, then pain gradually improved, not a lot, but at least I got back to work. The Fatigue stilled persisted, I only could work like 3 hours/day. Could not sleep, maintain sleep, woke up with tachycardias as well.

I started walking (30 min.), trying to get back to normal, Until April 28, 2024. I was feeling so low, so depressed because of the fatigue , I decided to take Cymbalta. What a mistake!!!!!
April 29, 2024 I was sitting on the couch, watching TV, when suddenly felt like I was being burned alive!, my throat, tongue, arms, chest, back, arms! It was horrible!!!. Went to the ER, again, nothing wrong. Next day, i woke up in terrible pain, severely fatigued, could not move, could barely open my eyes!!. Again, went to the ER and found nothing wrong. By then, I was crying all day due to pain, burning sensation on my face, arms , weakness in arms, wasn't able to eat for 2 days.

3 days ago, May 1, 2024, went to a neuromuscular specialist who refers All images, labs (tons) done and physical exam does not suggest I have a condition that requires any specific treatment, but i should consider a chronic pain diagnosis.

After that visit, I still felt fatigue, weak and with pain.

For me, to be able to diagnose a disease, condition, I must have physical proof that it exists, like an MRI (abnormal) or an abnormal lab. Thats why it was so hard for me to accept that I have a condition that no medication will cure, only I can Cure it. Thats why I am here, Thats why i became a member of this fantastic forum.

Yesterday I started to change my way of thinking, I am pushing through the pain and fatigue (which is horrible) and I am doing the program. I will conquer this, with your help, your advice on how to fight this fatigue and pain. And most important, I will change my way of helping my patients, because no one deserves to live in pain and with fatigue. No medication can cure this, only ourselves.

Thanks

 

Really interesting reading your story as I have nothing in common with you professionally , but everything else? Spot on exact....we could be twin brothers (except I am way older than you)

In every single paragraph you wrote there was something I forgot I even experienced. Lumbar Punction? I had a Myelogram...good God, it felt like I got hit in the head with a Baseball bat...it took 2 huge hospital orderlies to hold me down (LOL) Hands and skin sensations? I used to draw elaborate pictures for the dumb pain clinic..."What is your pain today" (they meant a number)
"It is 17 daemons from hell holding me over a smoldering kiln fire till my blue black innards roast , turn to liquid and spill out and onto an ice cold floor....How are YOU doing today?"

There are actually quite a few Mds who have embraced the work of Dr. John Sarno and Co. Even Sarno said in an interview once that many Doctors and staff at NYU who spoofed him secretly, came to him privately when they were stuck with their pain.
And yes, Drs like You who can embrace and heal themselves tend to be the most powerful voices in Public...

One reason "Healing Back Pain" by John Sarno md appealed to me was his scientific rational approach to the problem.... not just 'its all in your head'. I still use his materials 25 years this year since my initial recovery.... Actually have to to stay healthy and working my job in construction and playing baseball, though I had virtually every issue you listed...All better now!

and Yes, we are all here to support each other. Welcome. We are glad to have you!

 

Welcome! I bet that felt good writing that all out.
Best wishes on your TMS journey.

 

well. Consider me you twin sister here ! Jaja.
I know very well thenpain you were describing. And I really Do believe i will heal with all your support.

 

Yea.