Day 1! Hopeful and terrified

Hi everyone! I am here because I am hoping to find a way to get rid on my hands weakness and chronic pain.

I used to be a classical violist; four years ago a sudden excruciating pain showed up in my left arm while I was practicing... and never left. It has been a nightmare since then!
I stopped playing for a while and then started to reintroduce viola slowly (5 minutes per day) while doing physio with a docotr specialized in classical musicians and dancers, but it never worked. The familiar weakness kept showing up again, followed by pain if I didn't stop.
My musical career used to mean everything to me... and for a while I couldn't even brush my hair because of the pain. I've done multiple test MRI and ulstrasounds, after which I got diagnosed with De Quervain Syndrome and a beginning of osteoarthitis (not enough to justify the pain, they say)

Itried so many different thing I lost count!!

- Ice, warm patches
- osteopathy
- acupunture
- cortisone injections (ew)
- mesotherapy
- Physio for three (3!!!!!!!) years

...nothing worked. Autoimmuno diseases just got ruled out last week and no inflammation whatsoever shows up in my blood work!

On January 2020, after 3 frustrating years, I decided to quit my musical career.
Now I am working as an illustrator, and boy I love it so much! It brought a lot of joy and satisfaction in my life, because it comes so easy to me!! Music wasn't as easy. I just started and I am already illustrating a book!
HOWEVER: the weakness keeps showing up and I am scared I am going to need to stop my current occupation as well...

I spoke with a TMS doctor in the us and he recommended omeopathy which hasn't worked and muscle energy ostheopathy, which I still have to try. I thought I would give this program a shot as well. I also read The Divided Mind by Sarno, and I saw myself on every single page!!!
Still, a big part of me thinks this isn't TMS and I am hopeless. That I will never be able to do what i love the most (drawing) for a living.

This was so long. Sorry about that, and thank you for reading....

 

I am crying while reading the stories of people who psychologically are so similar to me (goodist, extra hard on themselves, etc), and went through astoundingly similar path! Yet I am almost too scared to think that might be me one day..... I am a little mess.