Day 1 Day 1...I can do this! :-)

I'm 67 years old and I feel very limited and depressed because I've been in almost constant pain for close to six years. This isn't my first encounter with TMS. In late 2009, I discovered Dr. Sarno's books and devoured three of them within a couple of weeks. I had been struggling with low back pain (severe stenosis) for over two years and I had tried everything except the recommended surgery. I could see that my lifelong pattern of pain and other physical issues was rooted in my emotions. I started journaling and filled out some forms I found online that helped me see the connections. I am a perfectionist and a people pleaser and I am angry. But then I stopped doing the work. I had and still do have fear about digging into my anger and where that could lead me, even though I accept the TMS diagnosis.

I'm still in pain, now with carpal tunnel syndrome in addition to my back. So I dusted off Dr. Sarno's books and revisited TMS on Google where I discovered this Wiki a week ago. Yesterday a doctor told me I should have surgery for CTS, but I don't even want to consider that. So, here I am, starting Day 1. I hope that having a structure and feedback will keep me going this time. Rather than diving in and scaring myself, I want to slow down and follow this program one day at a time.

 

Recognizing you are angry is a big deal. I had no clue of feeling anger. In a nanosecond it passes through my mind into my physical body as depression and pain. Even now I don't feel anger. I have to journal to bring it to my awareness.

I had Scoliosis surgery when I was 16 years old. All my life my pain has been blamed on my back: low back pain, stenosis, bulging disc, disc degeneration, bone spurs, neck pain, hip pain, IT band pain, tailbone pain, shin splints and on and on. Now the pain is mostly gone. When the pain returns it is an alarm bell telling me to manage my thoughts by journaling which I have to do every day.

You are going to do great. You already have some awareness. Welcome to an amazing journey.

 

Thanks so much for your welcome and encouragement, Stella. Your experience is really helpful.

Yesterday, I was thinking about what could have been the psychological cause for the severe back pain that started suddenly in March 2007. I had been sitting all weekend at a conference, and originally I thought that triggered it. But yesterday, I remembered that I had run into someone at the conference that I hadn't seen in several years. It was a happy reunion, but when I had last seen her she was a very troubled young woman. I had gradually withdrawn from her, because her issues overwhelmed me. Even though she wasn't truly my responsibility, I felt that I had abandoned her! When I saw her again, she was doing great, and thanked me for the help I had briefly given her. But I remember that in the midst of my happiness about seeing her again, feeling so guilty and angry at myself for "letting her down." The next day, the pain erupted. I had never made that connection before! Wow!

I will go see what Day 2 has in store for me.

 

One of the feelings I am try to have a better handle on is guilt. Dr. Schubiner says guilt is a more powerful force than anger in TMS (Mind/body pain). It certainly is for me.

I have started a TMS Support Group in Kansas City. In July we will be talking about guilt. I am no expert but have gathered information from books and off the TMSwiki to help me understand the significant role it plays in my life. Here are some of the points I have gathered. See what you think.


As Dr. Schubiner, UnLearn Your Pain, believes guilt is more powerful than anger in Mind/Body pain. Dr. Brene Brown believes guilt drives perfectionism. When you feel guilty it is because you do not feel that you were perfect enough. Guilt also surfaces when you have such powerful negative emotions (hate or anger) toward parents, a spouse, children, or siblings, etc. Guilt is the reason we repress our emotions.

Forest (TMSwiki) - One reason that caretakers have such poor health is that they compare their needs and problems to the person they are taking care of, which leads to a ton of repression and guilt. Who am I to complain about not being able to go out, when my father, wife, child, or whoever is lying in bed with cancer. It is very easy for this to make one feel guilt and shame for having any sort of resentment towards the person.

In Eric Sherman's patients in Pathways to Pain Relief, real progress came from truly incorporating the idea that a feeling (hate or anger) is just a private, personal internal experience, and that it is completely normal to both love and hate people in our lives. In fact, the truly dangerous sign is when someone claims to only have love to the people close to them, rather than accepting the negative feelings which naturally arise.

Congratulations on connecting your friend's situation and your guilt.

 

"As Dr. Schubiner, UnLearn Your Pain, believes guilt is more powerful than anger in Mind/Body pain. Dr. Brene Brown believes guilt drives perfectionism. When you feel guilty it is because you do not feel that you were perfect enough. Guilt also surfaces when you have such powerful negative emotions (hate or anger) toward parents, a spouse, children, or siblings, etc. Guilt is the reason we repress our emotions."

Thanks for your thoughts on this, Stella. This all resonates with me, but especially the part about guilt driving perfectionism, and surfacing because of negative emotions. I think that as I delve deeper, I will find that guilt is a bigger deal for me than I realized. I also struggle with depression and anxiety, and I'll be interested to see how this is all intertwined.