Day 1, ish :)

Hi everyone- I posted my full story on the General sub if anyone is interested in checking it out.

I have been studying TMS for several weeks now, but have began the program on here today!

my story in a nutshell- I have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, I believe it was brewing due to a lifetime of being mostly in fight or flight, believing negative and fearful thoughts, and my body responding to "threats" that weren't really a threat for the majority of my life. At the time, I was physically healthy, but I had very recently went through a stressful and deeply disappointing event with my father. My knee started to hurt with exercise, it was on and off, but then the even with my father happened and other joints began to flare up and hurt. My knees and a few other joints have been puffy and painful since.

Recently, on a weekend getaway, I was SO AFRAID of the constant walking in fear that my knees couldn't handle it (they certainly did). I thought about it quite a bit during the trip, but didn't let it stop me from walking so much. My spirits remained high. One day, after walking a ton and having knee pain all day- we were on a lovely beach, in the evening, just my family and I. I was overcome with calmness and joy and walking around on the beach I noticed, I had no pain. I HARDLY noticed it. I thought- this has got to mean something. My pain is always better when I am distracted, but this was almost non existent.

What level of acceptance am I at? I am still accepting. I don't know who to believe. Some people say autoimmune IS TMS and I tend to believe that. Where I get hung up- while I am doing the work, I fear that more damage is being done to my body. RA is destructive. So, I will be on the right path for two weeks, wake up, still have pain, and be overcome with fear and anxiety and frustration that "it isn't working yet, what is happening to my joints? how much damage is being done?"- terrible, fearful thoughts that perpetuate the cycle.

Another thing, if I am going to be vulnerable- in a way, I am afraid to heal. My whole life, I have attributed fear and anxiety with feeling safe. It sounds strange- but- when I feel afraid and vigilant, I feel as though I am protecting myself. I am fearful that if I fully let go, THAT is when something horrible will happen and the universe will say "see! you should have stayed hyper vigilant!"

Secondly- I think it's become an identity of mine to have a problem to fix. worrying has become an identity in a way. There is a part of me that feels like I am losing my identity, even though I know how glorious the other side will be. I haven't become very comfortable with joyous feelings, I am too used to anxiety.

That was WAY MORE than I wanted to type but honestly, so very therapeutic. Thank you all so much for reading, I look forward to responses. I am so excited to be connected to this community!

 

Hi Jan! I was looking at her podcast yesterday and I saw your episode on there- I plan on listening to it today! Thank you for reaching out!