Day 1 - Rectal & Pelvic Pain

I'm approaching 2 years of rectal and pelvic pain. Been through 20+ doctors, multiple pelvic floor PTs, got hip surgery for a labral tear, dealt with depression and massive amounts of anxiety.

This all kicked off when I tried using a prostate massager and felt pain. That snowballed completely out of control into a massive forest fire within my pelvic floor and rectum. When I look back at where I've come from, I have improved in many ways, but my life is still completely dominated by trying to heal.

Just yesterday I had a bowel movement that I attempted to push out, and felt horrible pain in my rectum/sphincter (the same area that has been injured in the past). And I'm thrown back into the depths of hell immediately. On day 2 of a massive flare of pain. My whole day revolves around trying to heal. Currently my routine is 1-2 hot hot hot baths a day, usually dilate the rectum (which provides some relief) ~10 minutes, wim hof breathing 2-3 times a day, sit on heating pads throughout the day.

I've seen a great colorectal surgeon, have had 2 colonoscopies, biopsies of the rectum taken. My rectum wall thickened massively - first MRI it was at 14mm, 2nd MRI a year later and it was down to 4mm. But they don't find anything when they in there with a scope. All MRIs are clean.

Hip surgery helped a lot of SI stability and back pain.. maybe helped with some of the pelvic pain, but it's hard to say at this point.

I've been through the ringer. I've lost who I am as a person. I am failing as a partner, skirting my work responsibilities, and I'm extremely depressed all day. Flare ups like the one I'm experiencing send me into a fit of terror, rage and sadness - a 38 year old man on the phone with his dad crying and slobbering.

I am in pyschotherapy doing EMDR once a week. Just started this recently and it has been interesting going over somatics while talking through trauma. We've barely touched the surface though.

I'm ready to change. I'm ready to accept that my mind is playing a massive role in my pelvic floor tightness and rectal pain. My sphincters are tight. I use the smallest dilator I have (less than my pinky in size).

I have an appointment with Mayo Clinic in May. But I am also ready to start going down the TMS path seriously. I've read two of Sarno's books, so I have a good idea of the basics. But, I've never truthfully put all my energy into following through on a TMS program. Today I'm changing that. Starting the SEP. I will do all 42 days. I want to get my life back.