Day 1, redoing the program

Hi again. I'm going to redo the program, because
I have a feeling there's more in it for me, if I try again and be more honest with
myself and my emotions. I'm still not at a 100%-level of acceptance, probably
because I tried so long and am being a bit pessimistic all the time.
When I watch TMS as one of many ways of solution in my life I've walked already
to get rid of my pain, it's really hard to believe this is actually the route to a painfree life.

 

Hi Imagyx,

I too tried a lot of things but TMS was the only thing that worked long-term. For me it is a slow process. I feel like I'm in a new phase now where I'm not experiencing pain but I'm working on feeling feelings and being kinder to myself.

I'm glad you're back!

Veronica

 

Welcome back.

 

I'm a just under half-way through my first time through this program and I'm already expecting to have to do it again. I think it might be another way our mind tries to "protect" us. I'm thinking I may have way more repressed than I could possibly cope with in just over a month. If an entire lifetime of repressed emotions surfaced in such a short period of time I'm sure it would be more than overwhelming. Maybe this is a possibility for you as well. I wish you well. I'm sure you will find the time you spend very beneficial.

 

Thank you all.
I'd be glad if I returned here under different circumstances, but maybe next time I can help as well.
It's Day 8 for me in the SEP and here's a brief post about the past days.

I'm feeling a little better again, doing the mindwork and telling myself during every activity: "You're gonna be fine, it's TMS and
everything aside from that is fine."
This forum feels like a safety-net for me, I was on my way down again and you stopped me.
Well I stopped myself a bit by redoing the work.
I'm doing better with the SEP this time as well, I take it more seriously trying to do every bit of the program and
not jumping back and forth. First time in the SEP I did the things I liked more, first.
This time I'm going exactly after the plan.

Working out worked a bit better for me the last days and doing stuff on the computer wasn't that
bad either compared to the last 4 weeks.
Still it's very hard for me to identify my emotional problems and difficulties.
I need to unpack so many more boxes in terms of what Dr. Z. said in the podcast of October 31, 2012.
This is a hint for anybody else here who struggles like me. I found this podcast absolutely amazing,
in my opinion the best so far.

Have a nice day.

 

Day 8: I wrote many lines of text and made a mistake in the browser resulting in a loss of all the text I'd written.
At first I was very sad and also angry with myself for being so stupid, but after a while I thought:
All I wrote gave me some insight into my emotions which I certainly wouldn't have if not written down.
Also the task was to write about being overly critical with oneself and that is exactly what happened after losing the text.
Paradox I think.

Now for day 10: How am I doing currently ?
I still have fear and insecurity when the pain sets in resulting in stopping any action that seemed to have caused the pain.
I get many trigger points between my breast and shoulder, something that is called thoracic outlet syndrome I guess, but
also only part of TMS. Is it wrong to soften these muscles with a massageball once in a while, because it feels better
afterwards and my blood seems to flow more freely... Has anyone experienced these problems and took a different approach.
For example if I ignored these muscles, would it go away all by itself ?
Or is it actually helpful in your opinion?

 

Qtp: Think of a person in your life from whom you hide your emotions.

It's still all people I hide my emotions from except from my girlfriend.
I even don't get anything out when talking to the psychologist or the PT.
But I get really tense inside and I feel it, but there's only smiling on my face...
Even if I try, I cannot force it.

 

I have experienced the muscle tightness you're referencing. I don't know whether it would go away all on its own, I guess that might be dependent on your ability to ignore (and I'm still in the early stages of developing that talent). I have a foam roller that I find very useful for getting the blood to flow and reducing the tension. I worried about it being counter-productive to my recovery, telling my mind I was focusing on the physical and being a victory for the TMS so I created some rules for myself that seem to be working because the thought to use the roller occurs less and less and the pain is going along with it. Maybe this will help you. I only use the roller if I can feel tightness or "knots" in parts of my body that have NOT been TMS sites. My TMS site is primarily my left shoulder and can extend to include the left side of my neck or my left arm. So, if I feel tightness in my right thigh, along with the TMS stuff, they I would let myself use the roller. I will also start with using it on the right leg, then move it to the left leg and go up my body from there. I am VERY careful NOT to start at the TMS site, I actually do that area last and I also watch the clock and make sure that I do not spend any more time massaging that area than I have spent on any other. I'm only on day 25 of this program so this could be a very wrong approach I'm taking here but for me it seems to be reinforcing the message that I am trying to send to my mind, I am using the roller to increase blood flow to all of the muscles of my body and for relaxation.

 

I bought the Trigger Point Therapy Workbook. I found it extremely helpful. when I hurt on my rib cage below my breast the book indicated it was coming from my lower back. I would massage the lower back wth a Body Back Buddy which then the pain in the front would go away. It was like one big jig saw puzzle. This is before I found Sarno and the wiki. But it did give me temporary relief for a number of painful areas.

Both are found on Amazon.

 

Both of my Trigger Point Therapy Workbooks (the first one and the one for headaches), along with the Theracane and all other massage tools are put away and have been ever since I found Dr. Sarno nearly a year ago. What a relief! That was hard work! In fact, I should probably just throw them all away.

Anything that you do for the pain physically only reinforces the unconscious mind's belief that you believe the problem is physical, right?

 

Day 11: Armchair Linguist's Success Story:

This story describes my problems in nearly every detail, I feel very much the same.
But I have one problem with the whole TMS theory in that case compared to mine:
I didn't have any direct success with Sarno's books and my pain didn't move around according to the
symptom imperative. At least not that much. I've had some pain in other body parts, but
it was not instead of arm pain but rather together with it and in my opinion not directly connected to
any extra problems emotionally.

And I've had my pain far too long to be able to just do all the stuff that AL did without fear.
I'm really thinking about going all the way through, risking to have more pain than ever before,
but getting to the end of the pain tunnel eventually. It's just so hard to start somewhere.
And as you can see, I'm not 100% sure about TMS, because if I were, I'd just do it.

Honeybear, I know what you mean, triggerpoint massage is not thinking psychological but physical again.
It's some kind of fighting against the fear and trying to believe that everything is allright.
SandyRae, you used ways against the triggerpoints, too. Is is because you thought, that it
would help to get better bloodflow and avoid mild oxygen deprivation ?
That is what I tell myself when massaging the trigger points, trying to think the sarno-way about it.
Leslie, you have another interesting way of thinking about trigger points. Doing something that makes your whole
body feel better and casually massaging the painful parts of your body at last like it wouldn't be necessary at all,
but rather thinking "I massaged everthing else, why should'nt I massage my painful parts as well ?!" I like that.

What do I fear most ?
I have recovered so far, that I'm able to live somewhat independently again.
Like in AL success story, I was at a point where I could'nt do even the simplest of things, like opening a bottle.
I can do that now. I fear of losing the ability again when going straight through the pain and just doing everything again.

 

Day 15: Has my pain moved around ?

Not at all. I still have pain only in my forearms.
This may be due to the fact that I'm already on the second journey through the program and
my TMS is not able to concentrate on other bodyparts to distract me, because I would doubt that
immediately. So I guess it's only the fear left, that keeps TMS focusing on my arms and still be effective with it.
Actually I'm kind of jealous reading other peoples stories where they tell about pain moving wildly around, because
with equal experience I'd be a lot less fearful if I'm doing the right thing.
I can remember hurting other bodyparts myself earlier to have pain in a different kind of place for once.
I just couldn't bear it anymore and concentrating the painful feeling onto my legs for example was
somehow relieving, as sad as it sounds now.

 

I'm on Day 31 of my first time through this program. My pain has not moved around either. My anxiety and depression have lessened throughout the past few weeks but the physical pain hasn't really changed all that much. There was however, one blissful approx 15 hour period (9 of which I was asleep) a few days ago where nothing hurt! I can't even describe how I felt. I learned a lot in those hours, mostly about myself and reality. Apparently I had a really strange smile on my face that my husband noticed. He asked me what I was so happy about and I told him that I had been pain free for almost 35 minutes. The significance did not register on him right away. There I was lost in my own little blissful state, ready to sing from the rooftops and feeling that all was right with the world....and the first external feedback I received was "what's the big deal" (mind you this was not even close to what my husband actually said - he was far kinder but the gist of his message was that he did not understand the significance of 35 minutes of life without pain). A few weeks ago I would have been totally defeated by his lack of knowledge. My mind would have immediately set out on a journey about how I was wrong again, 35 min w/o pain was not worthy of excitement, my reaction was in appropriate, he doesn't pay attention to me at all, and on and on - all sorts of untrue thoughts I would have easily believed. This day was different, this was the day I had a glimpse of reality (and it was wonderful) - the reality I found was: 1) life without pain can be just as much a reality as life with pain, 2) my husband was not trying to defeat me, he was asking a sincere question -- he does not suffer from chronic pain and until that day he never fully realized that my pain had been constant (degrees varied, but never completely gone) for 18 months straight, and 3) if I just focus on truth of the actual words and not let my mind translate them into a weapon for self-destruction there is no pain added.

I wish I could report that the pain left that day and never came back. The reality is that it returned after 15 hours and 2 days ago it got really bad for a while and with it came fear. Fear is a powerful motivator, one of the strongest I'm aware of. Even if it is just for a few seconds, can you try thinking about what your life would be like without fear. I have to work at it constantly, but I am trying to use that thought myself and it does seem to help a little.