Day 1 (sort of)

Hi everyone

Thank you first of all for this resource, I think it's amazing there is a community to tap into. It's actually exactly what I've been needing and it's already giving me some sense of support and hope.

Today is day 1 in the sense of the structural programme. However I've been listening to dan at pain free you on YouTube for about a week and just listened to claire weeks' book so I've been trying to consider my issues in this context for a few days already.

I have had tms since my dad died when I was 16 when I started getting recurrent utis and horrific pain. I wasn't able to grieve his loss in a healthy way as my mum was abusive and it was just a really bad situation.

Around this time i was in my first proper sexual relationship and stayed the hormonal birth control pill (this is relevant)

I ended up getting diagnosed with chronic fatigue a year later and then fibromyalgia a few years more. I typically had fatigue, migraines, flu like feelings and joint/bone pain.

I've lived with anxiety many years too and tried various medications. This is when the gastro issues started and I ended up developing gerd or reflux. It was usually quite mild and came and went but was on pipe for years.

2020 I went through some major trauma (all 3 of my big sisters died within 3 years, i lost 2 cats and a dog and my husbands step dad died of lung cancer). This is when I started experiencing what I described as 'surges' at night when I am trying to sleep. It's like I am trying to drop off and suddenly my stomach lurches, like an adrenaline rush. It happens over and over again and can be really horrific. Naturally I developed insomnia.

This has waxed and waned over the years, usually managed with sleep meds. But my anxiety increased.

I got married last year which was wonderful but extremely stressful, really effected my sleep and since then my reflux worsened.

I decided to discontinue my hormonal birth control in Feb of this year due to heavy periods and really had pms. My husband said he'd heard loads of stories of women feeling alot better for coming off the pill.

Over the past few months my stomach worsened, it's gone up into my throat, it's deeply uncomfortable and my stomach was churning all the time. I felt empty, gnawing feelings that made me feel like I needed to eat all the time. I got really distressed about it and then eventually 6 weeks ago the crash came.

Since then I've been on a very restricted diet, lots of burping, reflux, burning throat, horrific insomnia with the surges and also a recurring sensation of utis or bladder cramps (somewhat similar to when I first went on the pill and when my dad died).

The restrictions of my diet have caused me a lot of emotional distress because I miss eating the things I love. I feel a loss of identity and being so tired and uncomfortable all the time has not helped.

I'm back on ppis and they have helped a little and started an anti depressant again. I know this is not a solution and masks some elements but it was getting too much for me to manage purely psychologicaly so this is a temporary tool to help me to do this work with a view to stop the meds eventually. I did have an endoscopy years ago that only showed mild gastritis. I have a ph monitoring test to look at the acid in a month's time but I suspect there won't be much to report.

Anyway, since starting this journey my bone and muscle pain has significantly improved and I've been able to walk so much further than I have for a long time. While this is amazing, the stomach issues are the ones that are upsetting me the most.

I do believe it is all tms from trauma and my negative thinking patterns. I understand that I have probably repressed a lot of grief and I have recently discovered in therapy how I havent forgiven my mother for how she was.

I know I need to teach my body that I am safe and that this needs to be symptom independent. I am however impatient and desperate to be able to have my morning coffee and go out for meals again. I know I must accept this for now.

I guess, if anyone does read this, what do you think about diet mods? Should I continue restrictions? I've been on ppis just under 2 weeks. I guess I have some subconscious fear that I will delay "healing" if I expose myself to something too soon.

That's where I'm at right now. Thanks again if you've read this. Hopefully my consistent work on this will help me to have some peace.

 

You are in the right place and you are onto the solutions. I’m so sorry you’ve been through all this. it’s a very similar pattern for all of us. it seems like things were going wrong before the pandemic and then the pandemic hit and made things much worse. The night terrors you describe I’ve had since the pandemic. you’ve had some terrible tragedies. I think you’re right that you probably haven’t processed those at all. The structured educational program will help you systematically go through all the issues that are behind your TMS. Try to think psychologically. Don’t focus on the physical. Claire Weekes can be your salvation. Read her books over and over —she has more than one. She also has some of her books on YouTube where she reads them. Let all that information soak in. You have a highly sensitized nervous system—it is blown out, so to speak. It needs to heal and it takes time. You have everything you need to get better it’s just going to take time —you’re on the right track!